My Skylie's 1 year anniversary is coming up on Dec, 4th. At this time last year she was sick which we thought was a flu but of course turned out horribly. I have not written anything in a long time because it's so hard for me to do anything. I don't call my friends anymore, I don't do anything, I can't get up on time for work so I always wind up working on Saturdays to make up my time. I don't care about anything, I don't like feeling like this but I can't seem to shake it. I miss Skylie so much the pain is just horrific. Lately I am having so many flashbacks of that night, I don't want to do Thanksgiving. That day everyone was at my house, I put her pj's on and she was so sick. I was very close a few times in taking my own life but something stopped me. My son and daughter-in-law who's baby it was is expecting in March with another girl. I am happy for them although I really believe it is too early.  I am scared to death about everything. One of the kids at an afterschool program I work at was sick for 10 days and I couldn't get it off my mind because I thought he had what Skylie had. My daughter is expecting a boy the same week. I have such mixed emotions about these babies. Not sure how to love them when all I want is Skylie back. Skylie was with me almost every weekend and a few days during the week so I was extremely close with her. I can't sleep, I don't eat right, I am in counseling but having great difficult using the tools I am giving.  My daughter-in-law said she doesn't want to bring the new baby back into my house, my house is up for sale which is going nowhere. Skylie died in my room in her playyard and the mom and I tried giving her CPR but it was too late. More than anything in the world I want her back. I would give my life is she could just be here. It's so hard, I want one more kiss, one more hug, a wave, I just want her back so badly. I don't want to be here with new babies I want her back!

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Teresa....I'm not one to say to many people "I know how you feel" but I really do understand. My son and daughter-in-law lost our sweet Addison at 3 mo 9 days. She aspirated in her sleep at her other grandmothers house. There are so many aspects of your story I can relate to.. My daughter had found out in January, before we lost Addison in March, that she was expecting again. This was an extremely difficult time for our family because she has already lost three by miscarriage, gave us the two she did have because she didn't want to raise them. My son, loving his daughter so much couldn't understand why she would just keep having children and not wanting them. Then he lost his daughter and really got angry that she would be given another chance to not want a child when he wanted his so badly and had her taken away. The month after we lost Addison we found out she was having another girl which hurt him again. It was a very hard time for me, trying to keep the peace in our family while dealing with everyones hurt, including the two small ones we had who played with Addison all the time, now dealing with her being gone. I had absolutely no feelings for this new little miracle, none at all and it scared me to death. I don't know about your relationship with God or even if you have one or believe in God. But my faith was truly tested at these times. How could I claim to love my children and grandchildren and not feel one ounce of anything for this one......everything changed when she had to be delivered nearly 8 weeks early and didn't do very well....she was in NICU for nearly 2 weeks. I went into the delivery room with my daughter and everything changed when they showed us that sweet, tiny, tiny baby for the first time....I found out right then how our hearts are made to house the sweetest joy and the most horrific sorrow all at the same time. She was struggling for life and I knew in that moment the same love I knew for Addison and my other grandchildren. I knew I couldn't bear to lose her either. All the feelings I wasn't allowing myself to feel came instantly. She looked into my eyes and I seen my beautiful grand daughter needing my love and my help right then and I couldn't deny her. I truly believe God showed me this in my daily devotional that very night....I felt guilty for feeling such joy at a time when my heart was just broken into a million pieces. I felt like I was betraying Addison for loving this new baby. But wouldn't Addison really expect me to love this new one like I loved her? Yes...she would expect no less from a NaNa that loves her with every fiber of my being. I hate to take up so much room here but feel I need to share with you what my devotional was that night...maybe it will help.

Sorrow was beautiful, but his beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the woods. His gentle light made little pools of silver here and there on the soft green moss of the forest floor. And when he sang, his song was like the low, sweet calls of the nightingale, and in his eyes was the unexpectant gaze of someone who has ceased to look for coming gladness. He could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to him.

Joy was beautiful, too, but hers was the radiant beauty of a summer morning. Her eyes still held the happy laughter of childhood, and her hair glistened with the sunshine's kiss. When she sang, her voice soared upward like a skylark's, and her steps were the march of a conqueror who has never known defeat. She could rejoice with anyone who rejoices, but to weep with those who weep was unknown to her.

Sorrow longingly said, "We can never be united as one." "No, never," responded Joy, with eyes misting as she spoke, "for my path lies through the sunlit meadows, the sweetest roses bloom when I arrive, and songbirds await my coming to sing their most joyous melodies."

"Yes, and my path," said Sorrow, turning slowly away, "leads through the dark forest, and moonflowers, which open only at night, will fill my hands. Yet the sweetest of all earthy songs the love song of the night--will be mine. So farewell, dear Joy, farewell."

Yet even as Sorrow spoke, he and Joy became aware of someone standing beside them. In spite of the dim light, they sensed a kingly Presence, and suddenly a great and holy awe overwhelmed them. They then sank to their knees before Him.

"I see Him as the King of Joy," whispered Sorrow, "for on His head are many crowns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of a great victory. And before Him all my sorrow is melting away into deathless love and gladness. I now give myself to Him forever."

"No, Sorrow, " said Joy softly, "for I see Him as the King of Sorrow, and the crown on His head is a crown of thorns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of terrible agony. I also give myself to Him forever, for sorrow with Him must be sweeter than any joy I have ever known."

"Then we are one in Him," they cried in gladness, "for no one but He could unite Joy and Sorrow." Therefore they walked hand in hand into the world, to follow Him through storms and sunshine, through winter's severe cold and the warmth of summer's gladness, and to be "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing."

Does sorrow lay his hand upon your shoulder,

and walk with you in silence on life's way,'

While Joy, your bright companion once, grown colder,

becomes to you more distant day by day?

Run not from the companionship of Sorrow,

He is the messenger of God to thee;

and you will thank Him in His great tomorrow

For what you do not know now, you then will see;

He is God's angel, clothed in veils of night,

with whom "we walk by faith" and "not by sight"

2 Cor. 5:7

I know it is hard to see why something so terrible is unthinkable and horrific to live through. I just look at Addison's picture now, since some time has passed and want to make her proud. Proud that I was her NaNa. I want to learn all the lessons she was put on this earth to teach be more compassionate when someone else is hurting, to take time to love on my other grandchildren, to make sure I tell everyone I know about her God. The God who took her to a place to beautiful to imagine. She would expect no less from me than to love all of my other grandchildren as I love her. Her mommy and daddy just came to us and let us know that they are expecting a brother or sister for Addison....again, I wonder, can I love this one with as much passion as I did Addison....I will love it, like I love all of my grandchildren, the same yet different.

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope something I've written or shared helps in some little way. Please know I will be praying for your family....Kalyn


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