Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tamarah1271 on January 19, 2010 at 2:05pm

Hi Maria,

Sorry for the loss of your Dad. The hurt, loss and emptiness will never go way because you have so many memories of your Dad and you will always miss him. I loss my Mom 9/1/04 suddenly. Five years later and I hurt more now then I did the day or week she passed. My heart is broken and I am not the same as I was prior to her death. So much has changed and I will never be the same.

Your Dad loved you and does not want to see you angry and hurt. I always hear in the back of my head my Mom saying okay now stop crying before you make yourself sick. That's something she would always say when I was going through something and crying alot. Nothing like this but just the same I hear her telling me those words.

Please don't think I am saying you will not get better or learn to cope a little easier because I am sure someday you will but there is no time frame in which we can say today the pain will disappear. It takes time and from some of the posts I am reading it's a life-time process.

You are not alone though because we all need some help which is why I am here. I just joined yesterday and just by reading and knowing that there are others out here who share my same exact thoughts and feelings have made me feel a bit stronger today. BUT today isn't the day I can say I am "normal", just a little better than I was yesterday.

I hope that you continue to get online and read the posts and share your stories/memories of your Dad. These are things that might help. I find it helpful because I love to write and I get to tell people about my Mom. I don't want her memory lost and I don't want anyone to forget her so although no one knows me or her in the forum personally through me everyone who reads my notes, blogs will know my storey. Her legacy will live on. This helps me tremdously.

Again, am I better... no way, not by a long shot but I know this is my road to recovery and happiness. I will never forget her but hopefully through this outlet I won't feel so angry and alone. I hope you find peace in that as well. Take care!

Tamarah

Permalink Reply by JunePeony on January 19, 2010 at 4:41pm

Maria,
I am so sorry to hear about your father. My mother passed away from cancer over the holidays and just a month before that we were going for 2 hour walks every day! It all happened so quickly. She also battled a chronic illness for over 50 years and I was both her caregiver and friend. Your relationship with your father sounds similar to the one I had with Mom who was my adviser and confidant, my biggest fan and cheerleader. She could cheer me up no matter what and I sure need her right now to do the same. I wish we could all have our loved ones back. I know what you mean about the empty feeling inside. All I can say is post here when ever you feel the ache. We are all in the same situation and there is some comfort in that. We can hopefully provide support for each other.

Lisa

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on January 24, 2010 at 11:24am

Maria-

I lost my father on 22 August 2009. Although it has been five months, I can honestly say that I still cry every single day. As a matter of fact, I am crying right now. My father had parkinson's disease -- but was fully functional. I had been his primary caregiver for several years -- and had taken him to the doctor the day before he died. Ironically the doctor said he had many great years ahead of him. I refuse to pay that bill, btw.

My father was truly my hero. He was my greatest supporter, role model, and source of security. I miss him so much that it actually causes me phyiscal pain at times. I never knew the depths of the sorrow that I would feel on a daily basis. Like Tamarah describes, I sometimes cry so hard that I can hear my daddy's voice internally telling me that I have to stop, take a breath and move on. However, when other people tell me that my father wouldn't want me to cry all the time, I respond with "then he shouldn't have died." I am not angry with my father -- but I do get angry at people telling me how I should grieve. I lost my dad... if I cannot cry about that, then what CAN I cry about?

I have come to accept that my life will never be the same. I don't like it --but I accept it. I understand the "hole" in your heart. I am walking around with a gaping one, too. I have tried to take positive steps such as archiving my father's photos, published articles, and life as well as establishing a scholarship in his name. These things bring some small comfort but don't stop the tears from flowing daily.

There have been times that I have envied friends who had distant relationships with their fathers -- because they seemingly recover from their dads deaths so much more easily. But, then I think about all the wonderful things that I would have to give up -- all the wonderful memories with my dad -- the love we shared. It occurs to me that my love for him is the one thing even death cannot take from me. That love is even worth the price of losing him and feeling the hole.

Anyhow, I won't ramble any longer. Also, like Tamarah, I joined today because sometimes I need some help and reading other people's journey somehow helps me. Perhaps we can all help each other in this miserable journey.

Kat

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 25, 2010 at 1:04pm

Hi Maria,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father on 12/30/09. The pain that I feel is overwhelming. I sometimes wonder if I will survive this. But, I have 3 children, one with special needs, and a mother who need me. I don't know if you have children, but they are my strength to move on. I will always love and miss my father dearly, as I know you will. But I am so glad that I found this group. Maybe we can lean on eachother for support. Take care and god bless you.

Permalink Reply by Melissa Britt on January 25, 2010 at 1:27pm

I lost my mom on June 12, 2009. A day that plays over and over in my head. I miss her more and more everyday and the pain seems to get worse over time rather than better. I am 28 years old and she became sick when I was 21. The worst thing about it is that we never knew what was wrong with her. It all started with a back surgery. She slowly deteriorated and since 2005, was bed ridden and on a feeding tube. I always had hope that she would get better. As a teenager, I took my mom for granted and at times even as an adult I did. She did so much for me. I had my oldest son at 18 and now I have 6 children, the youngest who are twins. She was always there for me through it all. When my husband left me. No matter what choices I made. Throughout her sickness I would visit her but my dad took care of her so I didn't help much. I took each day that she was here for granted thinking there would be tomorrow, but that day finally came when tomorrow never came. I have so much regret in my heart. I didn't get to say goodbye. My mom, my rock, my best friend, my sister, is gone and I have a big hole in my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her or miss her. The only thing that helps me is telling stories about her or listening to the music we listened to, and remembering those good times.

Permalink Reply by Maria on January 25, 2010 at 9:32pm

Thank You for responding. It helps so much to read other peoples stories and all the relys. I am so glad I found this site because I found a place where people truly understand what I am going through and how hard it is. I think and cry about him everyday. There are days like you said it physicially hurts.Sometime the people around make me feel like I am taking to long to deal and that I should be over it, like its easy.Here people make me feel okay. I handled today and lets hope for a better day tomorrow. You werent rambling. Feel free to ramble anytime. I ramble at times too and we all need it to get through another day.


Kathryn said:

Maria-

I lost my father on 22 August 2009. Although it has been five months, I can honestly say that I still cry every single day. As a matter of fact, I am crying right now. My father had parkinson's disease -- but was fully functional. I had been his primary caregiver for several years -- and had taken him to the doctor the day before he died. Ironically the doctor said he had many great years ahead of him. I refuse to pay that bill, btw.

My father was truly my hero. He was my greatest supporter, role model, and source of security. I miss him so much that it actually causes me phyiscal pain at times. I never knew the depths of the sorrow that I would feel on a daily basis. Like Tamarah describes, I sometimes cry so hard that I can hear my daddy's voice internally telling me that I have to stop, take a breath and move on. However, when other people tell me that my father wouldn't want me to cry all the time, I respond with "then he shouldn't have died." I am not angry with my father -- but I do get angry at people telling me how I should grieve. I lost my dad... if I cannot cry about that, then what CAN I cry about?

I have come to accept that my life will never be the same. I don't like it --but I accept it. I understand the "hole" in your heart. I am walking around with a gaping one, too. I have tried to take positive steps such as archiving my father's photos, published articles, and life as well as establishing a scholarship in his name. These things bring some small comfort but don't stop the tears from flowing daily.

There have been times that I have envied friends who had distant relationships with their fathers -- because they seemingly recover from their dads deaths so much more easily. But, then I think about all the wonderful things that I would have to give up -- all the wonderful memories with my dad -- the love we shared. It occurs to me that my love for him is the one thing even death cannot take from me. That love is even worth the price of losing him and feeling the hole.

Anyhow, I won't ramble any longer. Also, like Tamarah, I joined today because sometimes I need some help and reading other people's journey somehow helps me. Perhaps we can all help each other in this miserable journey.

Kat

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on January 25, 2010 at 10:03pm

I am glad I found this site, too.

While I would never wish anyone else this sorrow -- it helps to know that I am not alone in the intensity of my grief.

I hope today was a little easier than yesterday.

Kathryn