Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
Struggling after 5 years
Hi to all and I want to start of by saying I am sorry for all of your losses. I lost my Mom 09/01/2004 suddenly. Suddenly because although she had been sick for 25years with ALS the day she died was not expected. It was a normal day for us and by sunset she was gone.
To go back in time .... My sister at age 18 (I was 13) when my Mom was placed in the hospital and on a respirator (1989) After being there for months my sister basically gave up her child hood and brought my mom from the hospital and took care of her and helped my mom from her bed raise me.
We were trained how to care for her 24/7 and at such young ages we managed and did so well that she was able to live for such a long time. Most ALS patients don't make it past 3years so from the start although a traumatic change happened in our lives we were blessed. We never looked at it as a bad thing as long as we had our Mom and we were still able to be a family to us we were lucky.
When she died 5 yrs ago I was 33yrs old. In 2008 I had a baby who just turned 2, I have a wonderful life and my sister and I are closer than we have always been. Life is good... or is it!!
However the past 3 or 4 months I have found myself dealing with the loss as if it just happened. I think it was because my Mom always told me I would be the strongest between myself and my older sister when she died. I wanted to prove her right so I let my sister grieve and I took care of all the arrangements and I moved forward. I gave away her things to her sisters and my bf and I held on to the things that were dear to her for myself and sister. I find myself going in the totes to revisit her memory. I listen to albums and songs she loves and it helps soothe me. I cry myself crazy but in some way it relaxes me.
Last month I felt like dying because the grief was so heavy that I felt I could not breathe. I just want to be near her so bad. I remember I would see my Mom crying and I would ask her what's wrong and she would say she was thinking about her Mom and I didn't understand and now I do 10 times over. I never imagined being in this world without her and I still don't know sometimes how to go on without her. When my nephew was 4yrs old he told me that my Mom told him to tell me she was watching over me and that she would always be with me. I still find comfort in that because how would he know anything about her coming to him at age 4 so I know he saw her.
She had come to my sister and my Dad when she passed but not to me. I couldn't understand and thought she was upset with me. All my dreams of her she is just there but she never talks to me directly and we are always in the home I basically grew up in until we moved in 1997. Still she never really speaks directly to me she seems to be in the background, if that makes any sense. I don't know what it means if it means anything at all.
At times I am so depressed that I just cry and the mention of her just makes me shut down and cry. I feel guilty for trying to move on because to move on would mean I have forgotten her and that I am letting go of her memory. I never knew I could hurt this bad and feel this sad. I never knew that in my happiest time I would feel like I am betraying her love. I know she wants me to be happy but how can I be happy and my Mom is gone. I spoke with my Doctor recently and he suggested i see a therapist but all I see myself is talking and crying. I am suppossed to be the strong, that's what my Mom told me before she died so there's the cliche' .... being strong is something I was proud of being in my Mom's eyes now that I am not feeling so strong makes me feel weak and as if I am disaappointing her.
My mind just replays the tragic day of me watching them rush her to surgery and because there was soo much blood and so many doctors and nurses around her I was speechless. I never got to say I love you and goodbye to my Mom. I feel so mad I didn't speak, I know she saw me because I can never foreget the look on her face, the fear, the emptiness in her eyes. How can I move on when I can't get that day out of my mind. I need help bad and I know it.
I just don't know how to be or how to feel normal again. I don't think I can ever be normal because a big part of me is missing.
To go back in time .... My sister at age 18 (I was 13) when my Mom was placed in the hospital and on a respirator (1989) After being there for months my sister basically gave up her child hood and brought my mom from the hospital and took care of her and helped my mom from her bed raise me.
We were trained how to care for her 24/7 and at such young ages we managed and did so well that she was able to live for such a long time. Most ALS patients don't make it past 3years so from the start although a traumatic change happened in our lives we were blessed. We never looked at it as a bad thing as long as we had our Mom and we were still able to be a family to us we were lucky.
When she died 5 yrs ago I was 33yrs old. In 2008 I had a baby who just turned 2, I have a wonderful life and my sister and I are closer than we have always been. Life is good... or is it!!
However the past 3 or 4 months I have found myself dealing with the loss as if it just happened. I think it was because my Mom always told me I would be the strongest between myself and my older sister when she died. I wanted to prove her right so I let my sister grieve and I took care of all the arrangements and I moved forward. I gave away her things to her sisters and my bf and I held on to the things that were dear to her for myself and sister. I find myself going in the totes to revisit her memory. I listen to albums and songs she loves and it helps soothe me. I cry myself crazy but in some way it relaxes me.
Last month I felt like dying because the grief was so heavy that I felt I could not breathe. I just want to be near her so bad. I remember I would see my Mom crying and I would ask her what's wrong and she would say she was thinking about her Mom and I didn't understand and now I do 10 times over. I never imagined being in this world without her and I still don't know sometimes how to go on without her. When my nephew was 4yrs old he told me that my Mom told him to tell me she was watching over me and that she would always be with me. I still find comfort in that because how would he know anything about her coming to him at age 4 so I know he saw her.
She had come to my sister and my Dad when she passed but not to me. I couldn't understand and thought she was upset with me. All my dreams of her she is just there but she never talks to me directly and we are always in the home I basically grew up in until we moved in 1997. Still she never really speaks directly to me she seems to be in the background, if that makes any sense. I don't know what it means if it means anything at all.
At times I am so depressed that I just cry and the mention of her just makes me shut down and cry. I feel guilty for trying to move on because to move on would mean I have forgotten her and that I am letting go of her memory. I never knew I could hurt this bad and feel this sad. I never knew that in my happiest time I would feel like I am betraying her love. I know she wants me to be happy but how can I be happy and my Mom is gone. I spoke with my Doctor recently and he suggested i see a therapist but all I see myself is talking and crying. I am suppossed to be the strong, that's what my Mom told me before she died so there's the cliche' .... being strong is something I was proud of being in my Mom's eyes now that I am not feeling so strong makes me feel weak and as if I am disaappointing her.
My mind just replays the tragic day of me watching them rush her to surgery and because there was soo much blood and so many doctors and nurses around her I was speechless. I never got to say I love you and goodbye to my Mom. I feel so mad I didn't speak, I know she saw me because I can never foreget the look on her face, the fear, the emptiness in her eyes. How can I move on when I can't get that day out of my mind. I need help bad and I know it.
I just don't know how to be or how to feel normal again. I don't think I can ever be normal because a big part of me is missing.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JunePeony on
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Dear Tamarah,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Your Mom sounds like she was like my Mom—a strong, capable woman. In my own life I have to realize that though my Mom was strong—she couldn’t be that way all the time. I know I can’t. And neither can you. Over the years, Mom confided in me and relied on me too, and I know and hope I helped her through difficult times. You have been strong for your mother (and sister) for so long and it’s okay that now you are feeling vulnerable. I spoke to old friend last night. Her mother passed away from cancer 30 years ago. Yet, my very, very strong, talented friend told me that 10 years ago she experienced what she called a second “wave: of grief. It came seemingly out-of-the-blue and was what she described as another layer of emotions that she hadn’t dealt with at the time of her mother’s passing. It confirms what I already knew in my heart and reading comments on this website has given me insight into—it’s a life-long loss and it’s going to be with us always. I have haunting images of my Mom’s final days, the expression in her eyes, things the doctors said in front of her assuming she couldn’t hear them, and so many painful emotions that I can’t process right now. I am terrified and in anguish at the thought of that journey. I’m struggling after 3 weeks with the simple physical reality of Mom not being here. You are strong like your Mom said and reaching out for help in a way that makes you feel better wouldn’t let her down. She would understand. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you on your journey and contact me if you need to ‘talk’—Lisa (JunePeony) -
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Permalink Reply by Tamarah1271 on
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Hi Lisa,
I am very sorry about the loss of your Mom, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
Thank you soooo much for your kind words.
It's seems a little easier when you can talk to others who know exactly what you feel and mean. It's like when I talk with a family member I get the impression they are thinking ..here she goes again or that they think they understand so they try to convince me that they feel exactly what I feel and it's impossible because one they either still have both parents or two they can't possibly feel your loss because although they loved my Mom she wasn't thier Mom so it's a big difference. I get so tired of that battle so I just keep things to myself.
I don't like to talk to my sister because I don't want to make her have to think about that day and talk about it because she was home with her when everything suddenly went tragically bad. I was at work and on the phone as it all started to happen so although I was not there I heard everthing and by the grace of GOD made it to the hospital at the same time as they did to catch the tail end. I just can't get the image out of my head, the look on her face haunts me. I know you know exactly what I mean.
I was reluctant about joining a grp so before I joined I read alot of the posts and thought .... this is a wonderful outlet and maybe I can find peace here being amongst people who know exactly what I am going through.
I agree, it's a life-long loss and that's because we have life long memories. Our Moms and the memories will always be with us. One thing though, it gives me great peace to know I will be with her again someday.
Again, thank you so much and good luck to you!
JunePeony said:Dear Tamarah,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Your Mom sounds like she was like my Mom—a strong, capable woman. In my own life I have to realize that though my Mom was strong—she couldn’t be that way all the time. I know I can’t. And neither can you. Over the years, Mom confided in me and relied on me too, and I know and hope I helped her through difficult times. You have been strong for your mother (and sister) for so long and it’s okay that now you are feeling vulnerable. I spoke to old friend last night. Her mother passed away from cancer 30 years ago. Yet, my very, very strong, talented friend told me that 10 years ago she experienced what she called a second “wave: of grief. It came seemingly out-of-the-blue and was what she described as another layer of emotions that she hadn’t dealt with at the time of her mother’s passing. It confirms what I already knew in my heart and reading comments on this website has given me insight into—it’s a life-long loss and it’s going to be with us always. I have haunting images of my Mom’s final days, the expression in her eyes, things the doctors said in front of her assuming she couldn’t hear them, and so many painful emotions that I can’t process right now. I am terrified and in anguish at the thought of that journey. I’m struggling after 3 weeks with the simple physical reality of Mom not being here. You are strong like your Mom said and reaching out for help in a way that makes you feel better wouldn’t let her down. She would understand. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you on your journey and contact me if you need to ‘talk’—Lisa (JunePeony) -
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Permalink Reply by Kathryn on
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Tamarah -
First, I want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman who raised an intelligent and compassionate daughter. I related to your post because of the similarity in your mom's and my father's passing: my father had parkinson's disease but died very unexpectedly. Sometimes, I think that the "unexpected" part makes it even harder to mourn purposefully. Does that make any sense? One book that has been particulary helpful for me is entitled I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. It deals with some of the issues of an unexpected death and grieving.
One of the hardest things for me is the tragic replaying of final events and finding my father dead. It is like some horrible video is on a horrifying loop playing over and over in my mind. It is especially hard on Saturdays (the day he died and I found him) and my husband calls Saturdays the "bad days" here at home. While nothing is as terrible as that first day -- that first week -- I have found that it has not yet gotten easy. I don't think it ever can. I am living in a world without my beloved father. How can that ever be right?
Anyhow, I just wanted to touch base with you because I relate to so very much of what you write. I don't know if it helps you -- but it helps me to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I don't know if we will ever be "normal" again -- but I am hoping for a new normal that doesn't include crying every day -- and hopefully smiling instead when thinking of my dad.
Today, I will be content to cry, I suppose.
Love to you.
Kathryn -
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Hi Kathryn,
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. Yes, I think we relate in alot of ways. People sometimes I think believe because she was sick for so long that "suddenly" does not apply to her passing.. It does because even though she was sick she survived a very long time so at no point did I expect that she would be gone so soon and so fast. That day replays over and over just like you said like a loop. I can't get the images out of my mind and that is what makes me sooo emotional and sad. I often wonder was she scared or if she felt alone. We were there watching her go to the surgery room but my sister and I were both speechless because of the chaotic scene. So I hurt because I didn't say anything. I didn't say good-bye or I love you!! I just stood there motionless.... I wish I could get that moment back.
I know it must be especially hard for you since you found your Dad. I am so sorry. The pain that I know you feel tears at my soul right now. I ache for you. You are so right, we will never be "normal" again but to look for a new normal makes alot of sense. I pray at sometimes Saturdays won't be bad saturdays in your house, I pray that great memories of your Dad bring you peace and comfort and that Saturdays will turn into bearable Saturdays ...
Thank you so much for thinking of me and at anytime you want to talk please contact me. No need to feel alone anymore, know that you have a kindred friend here ... peace and love to you!! Also I will look for that book, thanks!!
Tamarah
Kathryn said:Tamarah -
First, I want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like a wonderful woman who raised an intelligent and compassionate daughter. I related to your post because of the similarity in your mom's and my father's passing: my father had parkinson's disease but died very unexpectedly. Sometimes, I think that the "unexpected" part makes it even harder to mourn purposefully. Does that make any sense? One book that has been particulary helpful for me is entitled I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. It deals with some of the issues of an unexpected death and grieving.
One of the hardest things for me is the tragic replaying of final events and finding my father dead. It is like some horrible video is on a horrifying loop playing over and over in my mind. It is especially hard on Saturdays (the day he died and I found him) and my husband calls Saturdays the "bad days" here at home. While nothing is as terrible as that first day -- that first week -- I have found that it has not yet gotten easy. I don't think it ever can. I am living in a world without my beloved father. How can that ever be right?
Anyhow, I just wanted to touch base with you because I relate to so very much of what you write. I don't know if it helps you -- but it helps me to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I don't know if we will ever be "normal" again -- but I am hoping for a new normal that doesn't include crying every day -- and hopefully smiling instead when thinking of my dad.
Today, I will be content to cry, I suppose.
Love to you.
Kathryn -
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Permalink Reply by VLynne on
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I'm sorry for your loss. I truly understand. I lost my Mom to pancreatic cancer December 18, 2009. That was the worst day of my life. She too always told me I was strong. I try to be the strong one and I hurt too inside. Now the stress of the last month is taking its toll on my health. So, I will be going to a therapist, going for walks to clear my mind and spirit, writing in my journal my memories and feelings about my Mom. Because I just lost my Mom, I don't know how I will be in 5 or 10 years from now. I do know that Mom would want me to continue on. I believe that those who have left us want the best for us and want us to be happy and continue to live and love. One day we will see our loved ones again... but until that time, keep healing, loving and living.
Be Blessed and take care.
VLynne -
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Hi VLynne....
Sorry about your Mom... Thank you for your thoughts and kind words. It's through this forum that I know my heart will really start to heal.
I am glad you are going to seek help because your health is most important. I also think walking and writing will be great tools to use to help you clear your mind. I know that when I write my thoughts down I feel so free yet so connected to my Mom.
It gives me great comfort just knowing I will someday be with her again. I miss her so much. Her smile, her wisdom, just the simple way she said my name. I miss walking through the door and seeing her sitting in her chair smiling at me ... ready to listen to me in regards to my day. I miss watching t.v with her. I haven't watched a basketball game or game show in 5yrs. I can't it just brings back memories of us laughing and shouting at the tv for a score or a answer. I miss our long talks. I miss my friend and mommy... I miss simply just saying "hi mommy!!"
I pray that you are able to live, love and be healthy. I have realized that although I will someday be able to live, love and move forward that I will mourn her passing forever.
Again, thank you and good luck to you!!
GOD bless,
Tamara
May God bless you.
VLynne said:I'm sorry for your loss. I truly understand. I lost my Mom to pancreatic cancer December 18, 2009. That was the worst day of my life. She too always told me I was strong. I try to be the strong one and I hurt too inside. Now the stress of the last month is taking its toll on my health. So, I will be going to a therapist, going for walks to clear my mind and spirit, writing in my journal my memories and feelings about my Mom. Because I just lost my Mom, I don't know how I will be in 5 or 10 years from now. I do know that Mom would want me to continue on. I believe that those who have left us want the best for us and want us to be happy and continue to live and love. One day we will see our loved ones again... but until that time, keep healing, loving and living.
Be Blessed and take care.
VLynne -
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