I had express how it was the year anniversary of my mom's unexpected death and how I wasn't dealing with it still. I just wonder if you were by your mom's bed side at the hospital and all was stable and you know in your heart that something that was done was what triggered her death and you have nightmares and can't find closure because of this, how would you handle this. I am trying to find in my heart to let go but I can't do it. I am so confused! I wake up almost every morning at the time this took place and can't go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted! When will it stop! How do I move on!

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Dear Janet,

I am so sorry for your pain. Do you feel a mistake was made in the hospital with regard to your Mom’s care?

I have so many nightmares about Mom’s final days and what triggered her decline. She passed away Jan 2 of this year and Dec 7 we had gone for what turned out to be our last 2 hour walk! How did everything happen so fast? I blame myself for ‘triggering’ her passing often. I took her to a new specialist who changed her medication. He had an excellent reputation. But what if I hadn’t done that? Would she still be here with me today?

Then when she was in the hospital she got changed to an isolation room. The other woman there it turned out had pneumonia although they didn’t know for sure. I told the hospital staff I was very unhappy with this as I was worried about Mom. They said they would look into it but nothing was done and we were discharged the next day instead. Within a couple of days Mom was back in the hospital again where she passed away. Did she get pneumonia on top of everything else? Or did they just think because she was dying anyway that it didn’t matter? I am heart-broken worrying I didn’t do enough for Mom.

People mean well and tell me I did my very best but the end result is that Mom is not here and when she looked so good before that I have to ask myself what happened in between. Could I have prevented it?

I know what you mean when one minute someone seems fine or stable and then they are gone. I have nightmares too! But mostly they are during the day when I am awake, if that makes any sense at all.

Lisa (Junepeony@gmail.com)
All i can share with you is only prayer will remove the confusion, hurt and pain. It time God will give you "peace". He is the author of our destiny. Therefore, it's all in his plan the time in which we go and how we go home peacefully home to our lord and savior. I pray the lord give you the strength and comfort you so deserve. My mother passed away January 10th and prior to that i watched her health decline for over a month. One minute she was talking and the next her health took a decline for the worst. All along with me by her bed side, therefore, i can honestly truly relate and feel your pain
In my heart I feel and believe with my own eyes there was a mistake but I know it want bring her back. I am sorry about your pain and I appreciate your response. I just was in shock and wasn't expected her to die. It all took place within 19 hours of her arriving at the hospital. I have talked with the hospital but I don't know what to do or if I have the strenght to sit and talk to them. I am just confused and still hurting. I pray and tell myself it wil get better with time.

JunePeony said:
Dear Janet,

I am so sorry for your pain. Do you feel a mistake was made in the hospital with regard to your Mom’s care?

I have so many nightmares about Mom’s final days and what triggered her decline. She passed away Jan 2 of this year and Dec 7 we had gone for what turned out to be our last 2 hour walk! How did everything happen so fast? I blame myself for ‘triggering’ her passing often. I took her to a new specialist who changed her medication. He had an excellent reputation. But what if I hadn’t done that? Would she still be here with me today?

Then when she was in the hospital she got changed to an isolation room. The other woman there it turned out had pneumonia although they didn’t know for sure. I told the hospital staff I was very unhappy with this as I was worried about Mom. They said they would look into it but nothing was done and we were discharged the next day instead. Within a couple of days Mom was back in the hospital again where she passed away. Did she get pneumonia on top of everything else? Or did they just think because she was dying anyway that it didn’t matter? I am heart-broken worrying I didn’t do enough for Mom.

People mean well and tell me I did my very best but the end result is that Mom is not here and when she looked so good before that I have to ask myself what happened in between. Could I have prevented it?

I know what you mean when one minute someone seems fine or stable and then they are gone. I have nightmares too! But mostly they are during the day when I am awake, if that makes any sense at all.

Lisa (Junepeony@gmail.com)
I know what you mean Janet about having the strength to talk to them and being confused.

Like you say it all happened so fast. When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer it was by a doctor who had the worst bedside-manner we have ever encountered. He was rude and abrasive and humiliated Mom. We were both so stunned and unable to think straight. We had waited over a long time for this specialist appointment. After he examined her practically yelled, "It's cancer!" no softening the blow. We didn't believe him he acted like such a quack--he didn't even base this on a biopsy but on a spirometry test. Sadly it turned out he was right about the diagnosis but he was still the worst doctor I have ever seen. There was no need to humiliate Mom. I wish I had done more at the time but I am always intimidated in these situations because I know how little I know. They seem to have all the knowledge and the power. And like I say we were both in shock at the way he was acting. I wish I could get that moment back or that we had never ever seen him.

For Mom's sake I know I owe a letter to the Medical Board and I pray I have the strength to write it some day soon, but right now I am sick at heart and sick to my stomach at the thought. It's painful to relive that day in any detail.

My thoughts are with you, Janet I hope you get some clarity of mind and strength to do what you feel you have to do. Believe me, I know first-hand how hard that is! If you need a sounding board just email...

Lisa (junepeony@gmail.com)
Aloha Janet! My name is Ka'ai from Hawaii. I so sympathize with you because I felt the same way about the loss of my grandfather. I was his caretaker for two years. It was a very difficult time being that he had Alzheimers. Eventually he would have passed since he was 90 years old and dwindling away. But there is always that thought in my head thinking that I could have done something more since some people live longer, even though most people told me he was old. He was such a lively person, young at heart and fiesty! I miss him so much everyday! And ,yes, it drove me crazy! I think we all feel some sense of responsibility when someone we love dies, especially when they're in our care. Death is never an easy thing for anyone to accept. But the Bible holds out a hope for those we have lost. In John 5:28,29 it says, "Do not marvel at this because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, those who di vile things to a resurrection of judgement." That is the promise of the resurrection that I hold on to. To know that, no matter what I may feel, my Papa is promised of this hope.Jesus WILL perform this miracle as he has done in the past. So, prayers can help you get through this cause it will draw you close to our Creator. Whom you know is the only one that can take this grief away. Beating yourself up is not the answer nor is it the solution. You did the best that you could with all that you had! The fact that you're still thinking about her is saying how much you will always love her. So, my friend, be strong for yourself and those who are alive around you. The living are the ones who need us! I hope this helped a little. Aloha and take care!!
Janet,

I am going through the exact same thing - thinking I didn't do enough within the last month of my Mom's life, the morning she was rushed to the hospital, and in the emergency room. You probably want to talk to your Mom to sort it all out. I know I do. You are probably letting this feeling of guilt overshadow your whole beautiful life with her. I do that at times every single day. And there are so many people with the same awful feelings saying, "I could have and I should have... " "If only I had......she would still be here. " Not necessarily true, but that's what we think.

I know we want to control everything. We want to keep our Moms alive and well and happy. We love them so much.

This is what my beautiful mother would tell me right now if she was here and saw me suffering:

"Little one," (she had started calling me Little one - very cute) -
"The Lord had a time planned for me, and if things didn't go wrong in some way, I wouldn't have gone at that proper time. Whether it be a hospital mistake, a prescription mistake or my body just wearing out. Whatever sequence of events took place, they needed to take place, because it was my time to go."

Then she would say, "The Lord now wants to work on you, Little One - molding you through all this pain of not having me, to be an even finer person than you already are. To really get you ready for heaven. He doesn't want you to depend on having me with you. He wants you to now depend totally on Him. After He is done with your journey, He will bring you to heaven and you will be with me again -forever - and you will say with a huge smile - wow, I understand it all now - why this all happened.

Then she would say, "I am watching you and cheering you on every day. I am excited for your journey. I'm partnered with the Lord. We are involved in your life and want you to move forward with excitement for what what He is planning for you.
Everyday, something lovely will happen to you. A kind word...even a tough moment...something that will teach you something, make you just a little stronger, kinder, wiser, more loving, more generous than you already are. It will be hard sometimes....my own journey was hard......But, I can't wait to see you again. It will be a glorious day."

Janet, your mom might tell you, "I am so happy here and guess what - I am taking those two mile walks with the Lord now until you come to heaven when we can both walk with Him."

Janet, the reason I believe all of this in my heart is because my mother was a believer in the Lord and her belief molded her into such an incredible person - an angel on earth. Her amazing example makes be believe it is all true.

When those horrible, sinking feelings come on, rememer what my Mom, and I am sure your Mom would say to you, "Trust.....trust.....trust.....He will turn it all into incredible joy for you in the end and we will live happily forever together. It's all in the plan." You can do it! Keep in touch, if you want. Love, Cheryl
I to have gone through the same thing you are experiencing. My Mom died on Friday, June 3, 2005. It was very unexpected death as she had gone through and make it ok from quadrupel heart surgery in April 2005. Came home after 1 months hospital stay. Developed a complication in her bowels, and was returned back to the hospital and bowel surgery in May 2005. She seemed to go downhill from there. Lost her energy and stamina to get up out of bed. Even though I was trying to encourage her to fight and get up and move as doctor had ordered, she opted to lie in bed, have nurses wait on her hand and foot...bathe, change her adult diapers, etc. Hardly ate any of her food at each meal. I begged and pleaded with her to react and get better so she could go home. Her gandson and wife just had her first great grandson, whom had complications at birth and nearly died. However, the little tot pulled through and was coming to visit great grandma in 2 days time. It has been over 4 1/2 yrs now, and I still am dealing with her death. It was such a shock to me. After going through heart surgery and bowel surgery, she actually died not from the surgeries, BUT FROM aspirating back into her lungs. In other words, she choked on her own saliva....... She had caught a cold and had drainage the 2 days I had been away from the hospital. See I had to leave her after 2 months of staying with her in the hospital to return to my job to RETIRE. I was retiring to take care of my MOM rather than have her placed in a nursing home. I had car trouble and had to have repairs made.
When I walked into the room, she got sick, nurse lifted her from the bed to a bedside chair. Nurse turned away from her, Mom slid out of chair, nurse caught Mom put her back in bed....then she died.....CODE BLUE...they revived her and rushed her to the ICU....she CODE BLUE the second time shortly after ICU...they revived her. Then the doctor came out and told us of her 2nd CODE BLUE. I was shocked.....
by that time, my Sister and niece had arrived at the hospital. When her heart doctor informed us of Mom's condition and that they had put her on life support for her breathing....they both spoke up "Mom/Grandma does not want to be kept alive on life support.....I was too shocked to say anythink...just stared at doctor....so he said "OK, if she code blues again...we will DNR.....well with myself, Sister, niece and nephew(Father of the new great grandson) standing at her bedside in ICU at 3:57Am on Friday, June 3rd, MOM DIED.......
as I said....if doctor had not issued the DNR order and left MOM on life support, I believe in my heart that she could have lived.....I am also confused and hold a grudge towards my Sister and niece....I finally told them both last year how I felt that death day.....I also lost my Father in 1988 on a Friday at 4:04 AM.

So every day I wake up either 3:57 AM or 4:04 AM time of their deaths. Especially bad is on a Friday of each week.
So I do know what you are going through. Thought I was the only one who had experienced this phenomeal...I do go back to sleep most morning...somedays I stay away for hours.

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