I usually am the person that is the "caregiver". With the passing of my Mom and all the drama around that , my involvement in caring , surprise at her death, finding her everything. I am empty. I lost not only my "Mommy" ( thats what I called her and I am 50 ) but a good friend, a loyal friend a person that sometimes knew me better then I do.
I share this because I can feel everyones pain on these pages but have little to offer. Selfishly I am seeking help rather then giving it. Which is so out of my ways...I am just weak though. Sometimes I ask my husband if this is just a bad dream and I'll wake up to find her. I know all the postives when it comes to her, she is at peace, in a better place , didn't suffer all of the postives its me who is in need not her.

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Jeanie,
I understand the pain, numbness, emptyness, and hoping you will wake up from the bad dream.
I'm sorry for the loss of you (mommy) I know you will miss her every day.. but the sadness and pain will get better. If you focus on what she went thru before dying and the sadness it will be hard. So when the sad times hit you try and get busy with something even if it's just a walk and change your focus with good thoughts. I know it will take time but you can do it.
Quite frankly, I hate the platitudes when people tell me my dad is in a "better place" etc. Really? How do they know? It was pretty good here with a family who loves him ... and I want him back. I understand wanting it to be a bad dream. How many times have I wished the same? I can't even tell you.

I was my father's caregiver. I miss taking care of him. I feel such gratitude that I had that time with him. I do not believe it is selfish to ask for help. I contend that there is never a more important time to put yourself first than while grieving.

Sometimes the world acts as though we should just expect our parents to die when we/they get older. Maybe it is that way for some -- but for me -- deep down I never really thought I would be in the world without them. It is six months now without my beloved daddy and it still feels like it cannot be true. The pain hasn't gotten better but it has gotten slightly easier to bear.

I don't know if our words might help you -- but do know this: you aren't alone. I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet mommy. Truly and deeply sorry.

Kathryn
Kathryn said:
Quite frankly, I hate the platitudes when people tell me my dad is in a "better place" etc. Really? How do they know? It was pretty good here with a family who loves him ... and I want him back. I understand wanting it to be a bad dream. How many times have I wished the same? I can't even tell you.

I was my father's caregiver. I miss taking care of him. I feel such gratitude that I had that time with him. I do not believe it is selfish to ask for help. I contend that there is never a more important time to put yourself first than while grieving.

Sometimes the world acts as though we should just expect our parents to die when we/they get older. Maybe it is that way for some -- but for me -- deep down I never really thought I would be in the world without them. It is six months now without my beloved daddy and it still feels like it cannot be true. The pain hasn't gotten better but it has gotten slightly easier to bear.

I don't know if our words might help you -- but do know this: you aren't alone. I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet mommy. Truly and deeply sorry.

Kathryn
Jesus Kathryn you know EXACTLY how I feel . Thank you. ANd I am sorry about your Daddy . Seems we had very similar expierences and now feelings . xoxo jeanie

jeanie said:
Kathryn said:
Quite frankly, I hate the platitudes when people tell me my dad is in a "better place" etc. Really? How do they know? It was pretty good here with a family who loves him ... and I want him back. I understand wanting it to be a bad dream. How many times have I wished the same? I can't even tell you.

I was my father's caregiver. I miss taking care of him. I feel such gratitude that I had that time with him. I do not believe it is selfish to ask for help. I contend that there is never a more important time to put yourself first than while grieving.

Sometimes the world acts as though we should just expect our parents to die when we/they get older. Maybe it is that way for some -- but for me -- deep down I never really thought I would be in the world without them. It is six months now without my beloved daddy and it still feels like it cannot be true. The pain hasn't gotten better but it has gotten slightly easier to bear.

I don't know if our words might help you -- but do know this: you aren't alone. I am truly sorry for the loss of your sweet mommy. Truly and deeply sorry.

Kathryn
I also hate the platitudes. I don't care that my mom is in a better place, etc. Although I am a Christian and so was she, I have not been able to "picture" her there in my mind and I've started having doubts that it eve exists. I never believed in burial, thinking it a waste of time and space and emotions. After all, the person isn't really there-but I wonder if it would help (or not) if my mother was buried close to here so I could go anytime and see the tangible proof that she is gone. I don't know. It is not selfish to seek help when you need it.
Its amazing so many people know how I feel. My Mom wanted to be cremated ( sp ? ) and I agree JAC I wish there was a place to go to visit and see proof she is gone. Although I was with her or found her when she died. I was in shock to really comprehend what was happening to her and to me. I get frustrated because I feel like people believe I should be "ok" by now and its only been 9 months. I had her for almost 50 years and I'm suppose to get over that in a month ! WTF.

jac said:
I also hate the platitudes. I don't care that my mom is in a better place, etc. Although I am a Christian and so was she, I have not been able to "picture" her there in my mind and I've started having doubts that it eve exists. I never believed in burial, thinking it a waste of time and space and emotions. After all, the person isn't really there-but I wonder if it would help (or not) if my mother was buried close to here so I could go anytime and see the tangible proof that she is gone. I don't know. It is not selfish to seek help when you need it.
Jac,
My Mom is buried here near by and I can go to her grave.. but I hate going. It's not comforting to me knowing that she's below me in the ground under that head stone. Yes I know her spirit isn't there, but the sweet womans body that held me when I cried and was there for me for 46 years is there. I know that Mom is with Jesus, and one day that body with be changed but I don't think it helps having her nearby. It only makes me feel guilty when my husband wants to go to her grave on Memorial weekend and I don't. When he goes I feel like I should too and that he's doing what I should be doing. So I go and I'm reminded once again that she's gone.
Yvonne, I should think if its your Mom your feelings should be the lead if you go to the graveside or not. I don't think there is any easy answer on how we want to "Visit" with our lost one . I am not comfortable that my Mom was cremated but I don't know if Id want to visit her grave side for much of the same reasons you say. The death of our parent just is not easy in any way shape or form. I am so tierd of being sad and depressed thats for sure. But I can't seem to help myself. How long has it been for you? Jeanie


Yvonne Hess said:
Jac,
My Mom is buried here near by and I can go to her grave.. but I hate going. It's not comforting to me knowing that she's below me in the ground under that head stone. Yes I know her spirit isn't there, but the sweet womans body that held me when I cried and was there for me for 46 years is there. I know that Mom is with Jesus, and one day that body with be changed but I don't think it helps having her nearby. It only makes me feel guilty when my husband wants to go to her grave on Memorial weekend and I don't. When he goes I feel like I should too and that he's doing what I should be doing. So I go and I'm reminded once again that she's gone.
Jeanie,
My Mom passed in 1997 on her 64th Bday. She had been ill for 14 years with her heart. But the last summer she had 7 heart attacks and the bottom part of her heart wasn't working. She couldn't do anything for herself so I was with her every day that last year and half. The pain of that day has gotten somewhat better, tho I grieved for 5 years. I hate that I had to watch her get ready to go and lose weight daily, and be brave knowing that any day her heart was going to stop. The doctor had given her 6 months. She died one year later. A few nights before she died she cried she was hurting so bad and she was frustrated. She ask me why God was taking so long to call her home. I told her that the mansion that he was preparing for her wasnt ready yet and she needed to wait a bit longer.
Jeanie My Mom hated the thought of cremation. Her sister died a few months before her and her family did that. Mom didn't get over it. I think as a Christian she believed that you boby needs to be whole for the resurrection. I personally think that if God can raise the body from the grave it doesn't matter what shape it's in it's going to rise too.

When did your Mom pass?.. what is your age and her's? If you like you can write me here or Vonniebooboo@aol.com

jeanie said:
Yvonne, I should think if its your Mom your feelings should be the lead if you go to the graveside or not. I don't think there is any easy answer on how we want to "Visit" with our lost one . I am not comfortable that my Mom was cremated but I don't know if Id want to visit her grave side for much of the same reasons you say. The death of our parent just is not easy in any way shape or form. I am so tierd of being sad and depressed thats for sure. But I can't seem to help myself. How long has it been for you? Jeanie


Yvonne Hess said:
Jac,
My Mom is buried here near by and I can go to her grave.. but I hate going. It's not comforting to me knowing that she's below me in the ground under that head stone. Yes I know her spirit isn't there, but the sweet womans body that held me when I cried and was there for me for 46 years is there. I know that Mom is with Jesus, and one day that body with be changed but I don't think it helps having her nearby. It only makes me feel guilty when my husband wants to go to her grave on Memorial weekend and I don't. When he goes I feel like I should too and that he's doing what I should be doing. So I go and I'm reminded once again that she's gone.

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