My father and I always had a strong bond. We were best friends. Growing up my mom was in and out of my life due to her life style...drugs & drinking. With the help of my amazing grandparents my father raised me on his own. I cant say things were always easy for me and im sure dealing with an emotional teenage daughter was not always easy for him, but we got through it okay. He had a few girlfriends here and there but in the end it was always me and my dad. Through out my teenage years i became very aware of my fathers drug habits, I never thought it was anything that would take his life. I wouldnt classify my father as your "typical" addict. He always went to work, always kept the house clean, always took care of me, you couldnt tell by his appearence that he was using cocaine. It always seemed like just a recreational thing. When i turned 22 I decided to move out of the house for the first time, I wanted to see what being an adult was all about. After a few years of trying that out i decided that being an adult was too expensive, over what would be our last meal together I told my dad I wanted to move back home, he couldnt of been happier. I woke up the morning of oct 31, 2009 I immediately started packing and waited for my father to come with the uhaul. When he didnt show up or call I knew something was wrong. I drove to his house, opened the door and found him face down in our living room. My father passed away October 30, 2009 he died of a drug overdose, he was only 48yrs old. I feel such a mixture of emotions on a daily basis. Im so sad and depressed i no longer have my best friend , I feel angry for the way he left me. Im confused as to why this had to happen this way. Why on the day that i was supposed to move back home? Although im not super religious i do believe in god, or i used to, if there is a god i dont understand why he would do this? Im a 24 year old kid, i dont do drugs, i dont do anything illegal, im a nice person, im just trying to figure out what to do with my life?I dont feel like i deserve this. I feel guilty for not knowing how bad his drug problem really was, maybe i couldve done something and he would still be here. I feel lonely. Im only 24, most of my friends have never experienced something so tragic. ALthough i have a great support team nobody really knows what im going through. I try surrounding myself with pictures and memories but sometimes that just makes me more depressed. I have nightmares often, I cant get the image of his dead body out of my head. I replay that horrible day in my head over over. I just miss him so much.

Views: 28

Replies to This Discussion

Nicole,
I'm sorry for your loss. First of all you need to understand that God didn't do this, your dad is the one that chose to use drugs. God gives us all the right to choose for ourselves even back in the garden of eden. It must have been a real shock to you that he left you the way he did. My brother who took his life two years ago did medications from doctors and abused those and he smoked pot. Like your dad he tried to keep his drug use away from his kids. His Daughter is now going thru what you are. Your life has been very much like hers. First my brother overdosed on drugs on purpose when he had a fight with her in June of 07, then in Nov. they had another fight by phone and he shot himself in the chest. I don't pretend to know why people do the things they do. I know my brother had some kind of demons that kept him from enjoying life. Please don't feel guilty that this happened on the day that you were to move in, it sounds like he made a mistake in taking what he probably took more often than you were aware of. Try to think on your good, happy times with him when the pain comes and reach out to God he's right there for you. It will get better. Try to find a prefessional to talk to if you feel you need to. Perhaps a pastor or someone. I hope things start looking up for you very soon. My thoughts and prayers are with you. My brother was 49.
you are not alone, you are doing the right thing in surounding yourself with pictures, hold on to them and remember the good times you had with your dad..he is watching over you in heaven..i can tell you that it doesnt get any easier, just try and take one day at a time..and keep your head up. i to lost my das on nov.15th 2009 to the terrible disease of diabetes, not a day goes by that he isnt in my mind.. i visist his grave every sunday..i know he hears me when i talk to him..god bless you, and take care of yourself..
I spent the day before my father died with him -- and that day he finally agreed to move in with my family. We discussed all it would entail and before I left him that night, I told him I would call him in the morning. The morning came -- he didn't answer the phone... and like yourself, I am the one that found him in his home. That is a very hard mental picture to erase. I have said many times that it has played like some sadistic video loop in my brain.

You did not deserve to lose your father. And, I didn't deserve to lose mine, either. Your father didn't deserve to die -- and he didn't choose to leave you. He chose to use cocaine but he didn't choose to die. There is no point in blaming him and even less so to blame yourself. Although our situations are different, one of the similarities is that our father's death was not in our control. We couldn't have predicted our father's would die when they did. We cannot predict anyone's death.

I have used some of the energy and sadness I have for my father to create a scholarship in my father's name (my dad was a noted professor and author) -- which helps me to feel like I am preserving my dad's memory. Reading your story gives me the idea that perhaps you could work with a charity, educational, or rehab program that helps with cocaine addictions. Perhaps channeling some of your wishes for your father into helping others would give you an outlet to give your beloved father a voice? It is just an idea. It does help to find something to change your focus.

It has been six months for me. Six months without my dear father -- and I have yet to get through a day without crying. I am sorry we share missing great dads.
Kathyn I had the very same relatioship with my father he was the first person I talked to each morning and the last person I spoke to at night.
i can't believe he is gone it hurts every part of me.
iam not even sleeping how about you
monica said:
you are not alone, you are doing the right thing in surounding yourself with pictures, hold on to them and remember the good times you had with your dad..he is watching over you in heaven..i can tell you that it doesnt get any easier, just try and take one day at a time..and keep your head up. i to lost my das on nov.15th 2009 to the terrible disease of diabetes, not a day goes by that he isnt in my mind.. i visist his grave every sunday..i know he hears me when i talk to him..god bless you, and take care of yourself..
I don't even know how to begin. I, too, am 24 and like yourself, lost my father. July 30th of last year. I know exactly how you feel: nobody DOES really know what we are going through. To lose a father at our age is such horribly unique thing. Something most people don't experience until they're at least middle-aged. I know that it can't be easy to lose a parent at any age, but...experiencing it so early on...you truly do feel alone. I wish I could erase that horrible image from your mind. I can't tell you not to feel angry with him. But you must know that he didn't make a conscious decision to leave you. It sounds like you two had a really close father-daughter relationship....and I can't imagine that he would intentionally leave his baby-girl behind. I understand what you mean as far a pictures and memories...I'm surrounded by my Dad's things, but it's like I have blinders on. I can't bear to really look at them. I, too, lived with my father-more than once. I'd give anything to get that time back with him. People say "You must go on and make him proud". I guess that's the only thing we can do...but it's just so horribly awful to look to the future without him there. Many hugs and kisses...

RSS

Latest Conversations

Theresia Wolf-McKenzie updated their profile
yesterday
Aimee M Gallagher is now a member of LegacyConnect
Tuesday
Profile IconSally Parkman and SUSAN GORDON joined LegacyConnect
Nov 22
Ledia V. Portalatin is now a member of LegacyConnect
Nov 18

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2021   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service