Today marks one month since my dad passed away unexpectedly in a car accident. I feel like I have done too well coping with the loss. Like posts I've read here, I feel like he is just out of town, he's not really gone. Yes, I cry daily, but some days it’s just once and I move on with what I was in the process of doing. I graduated college last December (2008) and moved back in with parents, who have been happily married for 29 years - June would have been their 30th Wedding Anniversary. I have always had an exceptional relationship with my dad. I was always athletic and involved in numerous sports - I can probably only count on my hands the number of games he missed in the 14 years I played competitively. He was always involved in my athletics and anything else in my life. He was a loving father and husband and left a lasting impression with friends and acquaintances for his genuine character and ability to make people laugh.
I’m still living at home with my mom…doing my best to be strong for her. She has been my best friend since I moved away for college. I guess I just feel numb with my emotions. I’m not really sure how I should be reacting right now, but I figure everyone copes in their own way. I’m terrified that one day it’s all just going to hit me and it’s going to be an overload of emotions and depression. As I said, it doesn’t feel like he’s really gone, and I feel like I’m being selfish somehow…guilty. I also work at the same company my dad did. It’s hard being here and being reminded of him, waiting for him to walk down the hall and visit me for a minute. However, it’s also a positive, because I think to myself that he has been here, he walked through these buildings and doors, he’s eaten in this kitchen, etc.
I am also in a long distance relation with my boyfriend of 2+ years. He lives 2 hours away. I only get to see him for 2 days on most weekends. Then my heart re-breaks every time I have to leave him and have to go another week without him. It’s also stressful being out of town on the weekends and coordinating schedules so we can see each other as much as possible. We were hoping to be in the same city by March, but under the current circumstances and the economy, it may be much longer. I feel so much pressure about not leaving my mom but also the heartache of not being able to be with the love of my life and the only person I feel I can talk to and trust. I confide in my mom as well, but don’t want to burden her or cause her any more pain than she’s already going through. I don’t really have the desire to talk to my friends about it, although I do keep in touch with them. I’m considering grief counseling but not sure I want to do it or make the time for it.
I think I’m just confused and overwhelmed. I’m trying to get back to my “normal” life. I’m constantly tired and sleep 10 hours per night or have restless nights where I only sleep a few. I work a second job and have nightly commitments each week so I can’t find the time or energy to get back into exercising – which I desperately want to do, but can’t find the motivation to wake up early when I’m not able to go at night. And when I do have time after work, I just don’t want to. No one prepares you for an unexpected loss - obviously. I don’t want special treatment but at the same time want to ask to leave work early every day or to cut back my hours – but I never do and also don’t want the pay cut. I just feel…lost. And the person I always went to for life advice is the man I buried a last month.
I wasn’t sure about writing my feelings here but I thought it would be good to get them off my chest and that it couldn’t hurt. I pray for everyone else that unfortunately joined this group and hope you find ways to get through the pain and eventually find some sort of happiness or contentment in life. I’m so thankful I had such a wonderful 23 years with him and that I don’t have any regrets – I’m just not ready for life without him, his advice and his guidance. I told him a few months back that he is role model – I’m so blessed to have at least gotten to know him and have the wonderful memories I do…he could have been taken away when I was younger and left with nothing. Thanks for reading. Best of luck to you.