It seems like we are all going through the same thing. I lost my mom (dad and brother died 15 yrs ago) on Nov 18/09. I am living in guilt, at the hospital the doctors kept telling me to take her of the breathing machines as she was breathing 80% on her own, every day they would tell me to let her go, they had to resusitate her...I asked my sister what she thought we should do (I don't know why, she has never been there for my mom or me since she was diagnosed with Altzeimers 5 years ago) and she agreed with the doctor that if she was in pain (was she?) we should let her go peacefully. God help me I finally caved in and am suffereing every moment because I feel that we let her die.....I have the one sister and we have not spoken for 2 years other than hi and bye. I'm living in my mom's home - there was no will so eventually we will have to sell. My life is a mess! I don't know how to cope anymore and don't see the point of going on - I have no one and am so alone. How do you go on????

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Joanne, The key to your post is "God help me". Your decision was based on information provided by professional people. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful abilities we possess. Forgiving ourselves first is the hardest. Please open your heart & let the Lord fill you with His love & you will trust is Him & ease your pain. Take one thing at a time, it will all work out. There is a plan for you going forward. God bless you.
Thanks Jennie for your comforting words. I just wish I stuck with my first instinct which was to leave her on the breathing machine, but things can't be changed and I guess you have to take it one day at a time, it helps to hear positive re-inforcement. Thank you and God Bless
Joanne,
I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. The choice that you made to remove your mom was probably the right one. The last few years of Altzeimers is the worst and in the end the patient forgets to breath. The hospital would have kept at you until you did it. They wouldn't have stopped, they and insurance only cover life support just so long. If the hospital thought it was the right thing to do then please be at peace, it was. The end of altz is death.. it seems this was merciful and peaceful. I never want to be on lift support it there's not a chance for me a future in which I can care for myself, and it's in my will. God bless and be with you and give you the strength that you need to get thru this trying time in life. The point in going on is your Mom would have wanted to see you have a full and happy life. Try to make peace with your sister, you really need each other. Try to do what your Mom would have wanted and honor her memory.
I went thru this with my grandmother only it wasn't life support.. she was having kidney failure she had a hole in her stomach and she was 80. My Dad was her power of attorney and he refused to allow surgery. So they started an IV morphine drip on her. She would come to and be very upset.. I believe she was hallucinating from the toxins building up and the medication. The doctor told us to push the button on the machine every 3-4 hours to keep her sedated. When we'd back off she'd come to. A nurse came on shift the night before she died and she got after us for doing what the doctor told us to do. She said we were killing her. OMG.. I hadn't thought of it that way. So we allowed her to go 5 hours w/o the meds, and the nurse got a dose of what we'd been dealing with when Grandma came to scared to death. I was so upset I ran out of the room. The nurse called the doctor and he confirmed what we'd told her. She told us she was very sorry. Well sorry didn't cut it and the damage was done. I have a picture in my mind of grandma sitting up in the bed looking scared to death unable to focus and shaking her head. My brother's and sister's and I to this day believe that we helped kill my grandmother. So I understand how you feel about your mom. Sometimes there are things in life that we just have to give to God. We ask for forgivness if we feel that we've done wrong and we ask for His help and guidence and strength to go on. I do believe that you did the right thing. As for me, I'm not so sure, I wish that I had been the one with her power of attorney, things would have been very different.
i am very much sorry for your lost i just lost my dad on january the 13th i thought i was going to stop breathing i mean it felt like someone pnched me in the stomach but time will heal it i just have to remember he is in a far better place things will gett better trust and i know it does not seem that way but it is true things eventually get better good luck too you and remember your family is with you everyday in ur heart and if you ever need to tlk i am here ok
Hi Yvonne, thanks so much for your email - it really helped. But, please don't you feel guilty. I guess when someone you love dies it doesn't matter how old they are, there is always guilt on what you should or should not do - maybe that's one part of the mourning steps. I guess all that really matters is that we have loved and respected our mom/grandmother in life and that' the best that we can do.

So stay strong.

Regarding my sister, you are right my mom kept saying to forgive that she is all I have left..but right now I can't. My mother deserved better from her and it will take a long while for me to forgive and forget. She has not made the effort and the way I feel right now, I don't think I can be the one to take the first step.

Wow, when did life become so difficult?? Wouldn't it be wonderful if they had just peacefully drifted to sleep?? But, we can't change anything. Hopefully, soon, we'll have more good days than bad.

Thanks, and God Bless
Kayla and Bebe, thanks for your words, I'm so glad that I came on this website, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but it is!! It always helps to talk to others that are going through the same pain. Thank you all.
Joann and Kayla,
I just want to say this to you. Both of my sisters are in their 50's, and have been addicted to pain killers and other medications since they were teens. When my Grandma, my Mom and then my Brother died they sucked. They sat in their houses on their rears hiding in their their lives of hell and abuse. They have both been on life support from OD and both have have been in rehab countless times. They can't be trusted in my home, they will steal and lie and do anything to get their fixes. I gave them both money to help out with bills etc to find out it wasn't helping and was going on meds. These girls can take up to 80 or more different pills a day. They live to take a pill and sleep and they will tell you that they aren't happy and have nothing to live for but drugs.. addiction has given me to (dead) living sisters. If they were to get clean and stay that way and stop talking about their drugs when we talk, I'd be more than happy to have my sisters back.
I say that to say this.. we, none of cope with life the same way. Because they are weak doesn't make me better.. just stronger. I'd mend any fence possible to have my sisters back even if they wronged me or my parents. I've always been the kind of person to put others first. I know for fact that my niece helped drive my brother to take his life, in fact they had a fight right before he killed himself. Yes he made the decision but she pushed knowing he was ill. I had a choice to make. Forgive her for hurting him and pushing him.. or stay angry and write her out of my life. Even though it hurts at times still.. I chose to love her, because my brother loved her and he would want it this way. Sometimes it's not about us but the bigger picture.. God's picture. We have to forgive in order to be forgiven. It's ok to be angry for a bit then you must let it go for yourself to heal. In the end it's not about me but what does God want for my life. In learning to overcome my feelings with her, I'm blessed to know her 3 little girls and have them in my life. God bless you two.. help you to forgive and move on, because you really do need to heal. It could be like my sister's and your sister's could be gone on drugs because they didn't have your strength to help them thru. If at all possible try to make ammends. Your the one that will be blessed by it.. I promise you.
Joann I'm a Photographer.. and own a business with my youngest daughter. I'm almost 59 and I'm a Christian woman who's lived a lot of life. I've always believed that what we put out there comes back to us and I need the good stuff. I think that you and your sister will be okay because I believe that in your heart beneath the anger that you desire it to be. Just keep an eye on her she may not be actually doing as well as you are. I'm around anytime you need to talk. (hugs)

Joanne said:
Yvonne, you are too deep - what line of work are you in? you should be a councelor! You make a lot of sense, but I guess I'm not ready right now. Believe me I don't like the situation, it would be great to have a loving sister - but realistically, she was never a giver always a taker and I guess with time who knows?

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