Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 1, 2010 at 2:45pm

Sandra,
I'm sorry for the passing of your dad. I think if I were your friends and I knew that your Bday were coming I'd want to make it extra special to try to make you feel better. In doing so I'd probably feel better to so please don't be to rough on your friends. I believe that your Dad was very blessed that he brought you into this world and maybe your Bday will help give your Mom something to look forward to too. It will get better for you.. but special days and anniversaries are going to be hard the first few years. God bless and be with you ur in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Christy on March 1, 2010 at 3:45pm

Sandra,

I too just lost my Dad on January 31st. He fell down the steps at my parent's home and died of a head injury. He and my mom were married for 43 years. I can relate so much to your feelings. It feels cruel sometimes that life just seems to go on without them. I get mad at God myself but then I realize that he has a plan and purpose and although I don't know what the heck it is, I still have to trust Him. My birthday is also coming up in March and my Dad always called me and gave me these great cards. It will be hard for both of us but I think it will be hard for my dad in heaven to see me in such pain so I just go on...sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed but I do. Just talk to him out loud and listen to what he says to you and listen for God's voice too. He loves you Sharon.

Christy

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on March 1, 2010 at 3:56pm

I recently had my first birthday without my father. Like yourself, I didn't want anything done for it -- for me it was a miserable first that I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy. I told everyone that I wanted a quiet day -- no cake, no party, no presents -- and mostly, people respected that. It turned out to be a relatively peaceful, albeit sad day for me.

At my father's memorial service, I spoke with a man who had lost his mother and wife in the previous six months. He gave me the best advice of anyone in the first few weeks... he said, "while you are grieving allow yourself to be selfish. It is your journey -- it can only be traveled by you -- so put yourself first." I have taken that advice many times and it has helped me greatly. Thus I would say, it is your birthday. Do whatever it takes for you to get through this first birthday without your beloved father. You do not have to pretend to be happy for anyone else because you have the right to be selfish on your grief journey. Kindly tell the people you love that you appreciate that they want to make your birthday special but you would prefer to have a quiet day without any acknowledgment.

As far as the platitude statements... such as "He is in a better place" or "life goes on" etc... I simply tell people that I know they are trying to help and don't know what to say but that those statements are unhelpful and to please keep them to themselves. It has worked for me.

It has been six months without my wonderful dad -- and I have yet to have a day that I don't miss him and cry. The pain doesn't go away but it has become slightly more bearable. I never hold back my tears or apologize for crying. I figure that if I can't cry at the loss of my beloved father what CAN I cry about?

I am so sorry that you share the misery of losing a great dad. Truly and honestly sorry. I hope it helps in some way to know you are not alone.

Kathryn

Permalink Reply by Sandra on March 1, 2010 at 5:58pm

Thank you Kathryn. I'm so glad I came accross this site, and to know that I am not alone. I know everyday gets a little better, but the loss is so fresh.

Kathryn said:

I recently had my first birthday without my father. Like yourself, I didn't want anything done for it -- for me it was a miserable first that I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy. I told everyone that I wanted a quiet day -- no cake, no party, no presents -- and mostly, people respected that. It turned out to be a relatively peaceful, albeit sad day for me.

At my father's memorial service, I spoke with a man who had lost his mother and wife in the previous six months. He gave me the best advice of anyone in the first few weeks... he said, "while you are grieving allow yourself to be selfish. It is your journey -- it can only be traveled by you -- so put yourself first." I have taken that advice many times and it has helped me greatly. Thus I would say, it is your birthday. Do whatever it takes for you to get through this first birthday without your beloved father. You do not have to pretend to be happy for anyone else because you have the right to be selfish on your grief journey. Kindly tell the people you love that you appreciate that they want to make your birthday special but you would prefer to have a quiet day without any acknowledgment.

As far as the platitude statements... such as "He is in a better place" or "life goes on" etc... I simply tell people that I know they are trying to help and don't know what to say but that those statements are unhelpful and to please keep them to themselves. It has worked for me.

It has been six months without my wonderful dad -- and I have yet to have a day that I don't miss him and cry. The pain doesn't go away but it has become slightly more bearable. I never hold back my tears or apologize for crying. I figure that if I can't cry at the loss of my beloved father what CAN I cry about?

I am so sorry that you share the misery of losing a great dad. Truly and honestly sorry. I hope it helps in some way to know you are not alone.

Kathryn

Permalink Reply by monica on March 2, 2010 at 8:34pm

sorry for your loss Sandra i do know what your goint through. lost my father in nov.15th 2009/diabetes a;lso. i miss him alot too and i know what you mean when people say hes i a better place..not true whenyou want them here..may god bless you and make you stronger..monica