Hi, I don't really know if this will help but at this point i am willing to try just about anything. i don't really know what to say on here. so i guess that i will just start with saying that my dad passed away a month and a half ago. it was a very fast. he had just turned 70 and we all thought that he was in the best of shape. about a week after his birthday my step-mom talked him in to going to the doctor because he was having pain in his legs and blurryness in his right eye. The doctor found a mass in his lunges and wanted him to get a mri and a cat scan done. but a couple of days latter he woke up and could not see at all out of his right eye and was really confused. my step-mom and step-sister took him to the hospital and called me. Me and my husband drove down that day (we live about 250 miles away). When we got their it was really hard to see mu dad like that. he was having a really hard time getting the right words out. He had had a stroke. they did the mri and cat scan the next day and found alot of masses on his lungs. they went in and did a biopsy of one of them and was told that their was a good chance that it was cancer. but that it would be a few days befor they found out if it was and what kind and how bad it was. At this point we were still hoping for the best. He had gone in to the hospital on monday and on firday we found out that it was cancer and that their was nothing that could be done the whole left side of his brain was black with it. The doctors told us that if he had another stroke it would be for the best. He was in alot of pain. By sunday they were talking about letting him go home because their was nothing that they could do for him. Me and my husband had to go back home then and pick up are three kids from my moms. By thursday he had taking a turn for the worse he had had another storke and was thier but not thier if you know what i mean. He just looked like he was asleep. They put him in hospice on friday and me and my husband showed up late firday night and spent the whole weekend with him. That was the hardest thing that i have ever done. But it gave me the chance to tell him how much i loved him and to say goodbye. I'm glade that i got to do that. we went home on sunday and hospice called me at 1:00 a.m. that night to let me know that he was getting ready to go and they could not get ahold of my step-mom. luckly i got hold of them and they went to be with him. I am happy that he was not alone when he went but i should have been their with him too. He passed away that night at 3:30 a.m. Two weeks after he went in to the hospital. It has been so hard. I have always been a daddy's girl and i just don't know how to deal with this. I get mad at myself alot because i have not broke down yet. I mean i did so much crying when it was going on and that first night he passed away. but i haven't really let it all out and for some reason every time i start to cry i hold it in and stop myself. Is their something wrong with me. i don't know what my problem is.....

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Replies to This Discussion

CDevers26, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Dads are special as well as Mom's are. I had loss my Dad 3 years ago not long after Mom had died. I did get to say goodbye to Dad and had 3 weeks with Dad, which I am very grateful for. It was a stressful time and I only cried once during those 3 weeks. The tears come later though after he died. I do not think I ever cried for Dad the way I did for Mom. Sometimes I think it was because I got to spend the last 3 weeks of Dad's life with him. Where as Mom I/we were not there when she died. I had seen her a couple weeks before that and was planning on seeing her the next weekend. I believe my grief over Dad was more spread out and different. Grief has many sides and it is hard to tell how one grieves, or what to expect when one grieves. God Bless and Take Care of Yourself.
When I lost my dad(in 2007) I just lost the plot pysicaly and mentaly and could not control my self, when birthdays come around it's difficult as me and my dad was in the same month so I always think of him and when the sad day come I was so angry and so mad. Why did he have to go he was only 71 but he had a bad medical history and when the end was near he was loosing a lot of body weight and mass I was so scared and shocked at how he had got so weak and fragile I had such a dificult time coping with it and I felt unable to talk with anyone because the thought of letting myself talk about it would just bring a uncontrolable stream of tears and incoherant speach.But I always remember the last time we were together and the whole family was there so this is how I remember him at his best as he would have liked us to remember.When my mum passed away(2010) it was such a shock it was so quick one day she was there all was well and we had made plans for our holidays and the next she was not this is something quite different from my dad I was preparing my self for what was to come but the true fact is that I have not been able to say goodbye so easily and I have forced my self to cope and cary on but the true facts are I wish to take myself away some place and just scream my heart out somehow I think this will ease the pain but This kind of pain is a different pain one that stays in my heart and makes me feel that I wish it would just burst and let me be with her. A million things run through my head every day but not a second goes by that I don't think of her and wish that she was here.....
Iam so sorry about your Dad's sudden passing. I too lost my father (he was 58) and I miss him every day. I think it's so important to talk about the experience of his illness and his death to anyone who will listen. And don't worry too much that you haven't broken down completely. Let it come. Create a time each day to just remember your Dad and think of how much he loved you. Look at his pictures and connect. In time, you will grieve the way that only you can. It is so individual and not a one size fits all. I heard something wise that helped me so much this year when I recently lost my Dad: grieving is not in stages as they say, which would indicate that there is an end, it is a growing process and ever changing. The tears will come and there is nothing wrong with you at all. Everyone is so different. My sister and I grieve differently as well. When one is weak, the others are strong. If you find that you are always being the strong one, take some time and allow yourself to feel, connect, and be vulnerable. Living far away has its challenges too as you can't stop into the house and touch his clothing or sit in his favorite chair. I framed a 5x7 of my Dad and put it in my kitchen so I could see it every day. Which was good for me to feel close to him.

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