Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tina M Martin (Perry) on May 12, 2010 at 7:48am

I can SOOO understand how you feel. I am currently going through the very same thing. I lost both my parents in 2008, mom in January and my dad followed that following June.
I am one of only three children. The oldest being very financially set and really doesn't care what he ends up with and the other who suffers from the "I'm the kicked to the side middle child" syndrome. He snaked right in and took over my parents portion of the house effectively chasing my son and I out of our portion of the house by making it completely unbearable to live there. Just after my dad passed that June all I asked of him was that he NOT TOUCH mom's room, that I wasn't ready to go through it yet having only have been six months.....but he completely disregarded my request and that was the beginning of the end.
Let me mention that the house in question has been our "family" home since I was a child. My parents helped me add on to the house not only to have a place for my son and I to live but to be close so I could be there for what ever they needed. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.
And that all changed once they had passed away. I don't know what makes people/siblings do what they do. I only know that it's a shame that our family has split apart. My son only had his two uncles on my side of the family...and now even HE doesn't want anything to do with either of them. All over what? Possessions? Money? I'd rather have my parents back!!!
But I have faith that the world will right itself. "Do unto others" as the saying goes......and be prepared for the repercussions of wrong doings. My brother can tell himself what ever he wants to help him sleep at night and justify what he's done....clearly he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong in all this - and that alone scares me about him. There's obviously bigger issues with him that he should seek help for, but since he feels justified he doesn't believe he has any type of problem.....oh well, all I can say is I tried.
It is what it is...the way I see it, he can accuse, he can insult me, he can say what ever he wants, I KNOW that my mom and dad appreciated my being that close to them both physically and emotionally and my brother will NEVER be able to take those memories away from me.
I was hurt, I was sad that all of sudden he was so against me.....but now I'm at peace with my decision. The move, the retaining a lawyer so that they(both brothers are executors of the estate) do the right thing.
It does ease up emotionally speaking in time. All I can say is it's their issue. It's awful they way they went through your mom's things, as my brother did the same thing. I have NO idea what he's already taken and sold for himself and his wife. I have to trust that what items they put in storage was all of my parents possesions.....and that's all I can do.
Karma will settle things...trust me. I've seen it before....and I hope that it balances soon.

Take care

Permalink Reply by LG on May 12, 2010 at 4:01pm

I think a lot of us can relate to this. It is very sad, nevertheless.

I live in a different state from the ones where my mother and mother-in-law lived and was not nearby when they both passed. My sister-in-law has already thrown out most of my mother's things without consulting anyone else in the family. Most of the stuff wasn't valuable, just had sentimental value. My brother-in-law has told me several times that he was too busy for me to come down and go through his mother's things, but he has already tossed some of them before I have visited there. So I have very little that belonged to either of them, and it really hurts. I sent my brother-in-law a list of things i want to keep or give to other family members, but I hope he hasn't already gotten rid of those items.

I just want something material I can look at and remind me of my relatives. I can't have them back, so at least I could have the memories. Everyone in this predicament has my sympathies, both on your losses and on your family situations. I am praying things will improve with time.

Permalink Reply by S. Gardner on May 18, 2010 at 10:32am

Forgiveness. . .I lost my Mom six weeks ago and one day after she passed, the problems began. While we all live in different states, my daughter & I were the closest to her and prior to Mom's move, my brother-in-law came twice to load up his truck. I can only say that I feel sorry for them. The money is not what is important. Your family has to live with their actions and you with yours. You can go through time with the knowledge your beliefs are more true toward respect and honor of your Mom. I continue to work on forgiveness and its not easy. You're not alone in this. Be well and gain personal strength each day.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Champlain on June 5, 2010 at 3:04pm

Something REALLY stranges happens within families when someone dies. My dad just passed away May 11th and crazy things were happening while he was sick with cancer, before he died.

There is something called "anticipatory grieving" and of course there is "grieving" after a person dies. I believe that grief someone causes A LOT of people to act irrationally. What was once a reasonably close family is now a wreck.

I'm going to do some research on this. Death should bring families closer together, not tear them apart.

Permalink Reply by Dianne What is wrong with familys when we loss someone we love on June 6, 2010 at 6:18pm

Sarah I know what you mean about your family,been there done that. Tomorrow my mom will be dead for seven years and its hard my dad died three years ago.My older brother took over my mother was all so a private person.There was nothing taken out of the house untill dad died.I have not been able to go to their home.But I was told I better stay out of mom and dads house or I would go too jail.But any way I will try too write more next time this is bringing up old feeling I cannt deal with right now.

Permalink Reply by Jan Hoyle on June 7, 2010 at 2:05pm

Sarah, The EXACT same thing happened to me when I lost my dear Mom! Her will specifically stated that the household "stuff", including her personal things, would be split evenly, 3 ways. My sister, who was named executor & lives in South Carolina, called me at the very last minute & said she & my other sister were at Mom's house NOW & I needed to get there NOW to go thru & divide things. I was at the mechanic getting my car worked on & told her they were almost finished & I should be there withing 30 minutes. She "grunted" & said that would be OK. I got there 25 minutes later. As I started walking thru Mom's house, my heart was breaking. I finally asked the "executor sister" if it was ok if I took the couch, where Mom "lived" after she got sick. Mom & I had sat on that couch so many times, talking, holding each other, & crying. I was told that she had already spoken for the entire room of furniture!! SPOKEN TO WHO? I bit my tongue & asked about something else. Well guess what - that was spoken for also!! I said that I thought everything was to be split 3 ways. She said, "Well, if you'd been here on time, you might have been able to get something you wanted!! When I asked for 1 item, I was told THEY had decided to give it to someone's FATHER-IN-LAW!!!!!! Needless to say, i was beyond angry! And worse than that, I was so hurt & betrayed!!! The sad part is, we have ALWAYS been a very close family & ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER!!!! WHAT HAPPENED - POWER & GREED!!! I left that house with a chair & my mother's Bible (which for me, was more valuable than the entire house!!!) I can't tell you why families get this way at a time when they should draw close to one another. My sisters told me soon after that they had decided I was no longer a part of their lives! If they had to contact me, it would be thru email!!!! I can't offer you an answer but I will be glad to talk to you in more detail if you want to. Our situations sound somewhat alike & it's so very sad - you have to grieve AND deal with greedy, selfish people that you (or I was) were once as close as families can be! My email address is: Janrrscl@aol.com. Please write me if you want. Jan Hoyle

Permalink Reply by Bobbie Herrera Bellacetin on June 14, 2010 at 11:48pm

Hi Sarah,
I'm reading how your family is fighting over money after your loss. I know how this feels and I never knew this would really happen to me.
When my father passed this year it was the worst time of my life. But you know I could not believe how my sisters and brother were at the time of our grieving. You see my family lives in Northern Calif. (Bakersfield), where as I live in the valley of Calif. which is about 1hr and half so I had to travel back and forth. I couldn't step foot in my parents house cause it hurt me so much to know my dad wasn't there anymore.
When it was time to make funeral arrangements I let my sisters know that I could not do this,(because I had already lost two grandsons) it was hurting me inside because they were making such a big thing of it. So my sisters were angry with me because the way I was behaving? I was there with my mom the first day until everyone started coming over and expressing their sorrow for our loss. then around late evening I let my Mom know that I had to travel back to L.A.
Well anyway making it shorter, my Father told me a couple of months before he passed that I could have his collection of pens, and this was all I wanted, well my younger brother told me no. Well I left it at that, and then my sisters were so upset with me because of the arrangements, and then we parted after the funeral. Well this story is very long. But in short I haven't spoken to my sisters and brother since then, it will be 3months. So in a way I feel your pain. god Bless

Permalink Reply by ali on June 18, 2010 at 10:03pm

I am so sorry for your loss and dealing with this. I am in the same situation. My dad passed away in 2007 and my brother and I handled it so well together. Then in December of 2009 my mom passed away. Well she had 5 of us, only 2 of us shared the same dad (thank God), and I am the baby. I have always protected my mom and tried to protect her belongings when she passed. I took care of her everyday for almost 6 weeks before she lost her fight with cancer. Then the day she passed away, my brothers and my sister who is the oldest went to my mom's and started throwing things away and rearranging everything. When I walked into the house I almost collapsed. I was so not ready to let go and to know that they were in such a hurry to finalize everything hurt. Everyone deals with death differently, but families should be able to talk about it. Now my sister and my oldest brother no longer speak to me. I lost my dad then my mom and now my 2 oldest siblings won't speak to me. I really needed my sister when my mom passed and it hurts a lot.
I wish I could provide words of encouragement. I think that a persons anger plays a big part when dealing with death. My 2 older siblings were not with my mom like I was. They kept their distance and I think it hurts them to know they lost the opportunity to know my mom like I did. I feel blessed to have had my parents in my life for 30 years. Many people do not even get that long.
Best wishes to you through this tough time.

Permalink Reply by Mary J on November 10, 2010 at 8:55pm

I can relate to all of you. My Mom passed away last July and the only one I keep in touch with is my next to the oldest brother. We are the only ones who got nothing. My oldest sold her house and didn't give us a dime and the youngest yard saled all of her things and offered no money. He spent most of that on booze and the big party he threw in my Mom's house. The drinking part was the most disrespectful thing since my Mom didn't allow drinking in her home. I have been though a local support group that helped allot. Although I have separated myself from those 2 brothers I only have one. I didn't see this one for almost 17 years. I love him and he has been a great support for me. Just realize you didn't do anything wrong they did and they have to live with what they did. That is what makes us special and our love we gave them is what's important. Those that do these things didn't have that and they will answer for that mine did. They have no other siblings left someday they will need us and then they will realize.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Champlain on December 16, 2010 at 1:19pm

Well, I've done a lot of research and found that certain areas of the brain are effected with grief.  It causes our memory to go and our perception to be off.  This can be dangerous because if you don't know this happens, you'll think YOU are fine and everybody else has an issue.  Please, everybody handles grief a different way, be compassionate with family and friends. They are doing the best they can. For more info, see the "grieving" section at www.wedontdie.com

Sandra Champlain said:

Something REALLY stranges happens within families when someone dies. My dad just passed away May 11th and crazy things were happening while he was sick with cancer, before he died.

There is something called "anticipatory grieving" and of course there is "grieving" after a person dies. I believe that grief someone causes A LOT of people to act irrationally. What was once a reasonably close family is now a wreck.

I'm going to do some research on this. Death should bring families closer together, not tear them apart.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Champlain on December 16, 2010 at 1:22pm

Well, I've done a lot of research and found that certain areas of the brain are effected with grief.  It causes our memory to go and our perception to be off.  This can be dangerous because if you don't know this happens, you'll think YOU are fine and everybody else has an issue.  Please, everybody handles grief a different way, be compassionate with family and friends. They are doing the best they can. For more info, see the "grieving" section at www.wedontdie.com

Sandra Champlain said:

Something REALLY stranges happens within families when someone dies. My dad just passed away May 11th and crazy things were happening while he was sick with cancer, before he died.

There is something called "anticipatory grieving" and of course there is "grieving" after a person dies. I believe that grief someone causes A LOT of people to act irrationally. What was once a reasonably close family is now a wreck.

I'm going to do some research on this. Death should bring families closer together, not tear them apart.

Permalink Reply by Michael Munsterman on January 14, 2012 at 6:08pm

My father died at 25 when I was only 7 and my mother died 2 years ago at the age of 46, I was 30. She talked all of the time about leaving me something in her safe deposit box that if anything ever happened to her she wanted me to have it. I handled all of the arrangements because my stepfather wasn't up to it. He wanted my help on everything until it came time to go to the bank and get in the lock-box!! And as I'm sure you've guessed, nothing there for me. There was lots of fighting and drama over who gets what. Money wasn't the center of the fighting but was still pretty nasty. It really bothered me.. what was in the lockbox. so I created a site to maybe make this stuff better for my children.......   MemoryNow.com It has helped me already.