Does time heal?

It’s been 10 months today since my Mother died. I haven’t posted for a long time although I sometimes read the comments on here for comfort but for some reason I felt the need to write about Mom today. The last several months when I have read posts from others about their loved ones who have passed away I always wondered if it were really really true what they said… about how much they missed their Mom or Dad months and months or years after they passed away. Well…10 months later, I know it is true now what everyone says! I miss my Mom as much today as I did the first days and weeks after she died 10 months ago. But the pain of missing her is what is different! The pain I felt the days after her death was like a gaping open wound that was bleeding and oozing. It was a hurt I couldn’t describe and I didn’t ever think I would feel better. I couldn’t imagine my life without Mom in it! I couldn’t imagine getting through each day knowing I could never see her again! Or take her shopping or just hanging out together or talking on the phone 10 times a day. I just couldn’t imagine her not in my life! We had so much unfinished business we always talked about waiting for us to do together. From trying to label old pictures she had of family and friends who I didn’t know to going Christmas shopping for her new Great-Grandson that was arriving. There was so much to do and so much to look forward to with her. How could it be over? I just couldn’t believe it! No more Mom to spend my days with! The hurt was unimaginable!

Somehow now the pain or hurt I feel is still there but it’s more like a wound that has started to heal over like I’ve always heard … no longer a gaping hole that is bleeding & raw just a sore that hurts. Although l hurt so much at times I know I will continue to get through each day without Mom as I have the last 10 months. I don’t know how it has already been 10 months when it feels like last week sometimes that she died. How could it be this long already? For some reason when I walk into a store now that I used to take her shopping in I don’t leave crying like I did in the beginning after her death. Sometimes I have a thought of… I should get that for Mom or Mom would like that outfit or whatever. I still do that but now I say it out loud to her when I see something I know she would have liked or enjoyed….as if she was standing right next to me. Crazy how it makes me feel better to say aloud whatever it is I see that reminds me of her and I always say I wish you were here with me Mom. People must think I am nuts but that’s okay at times.

Sometimes I think of how hard it would have been if she had to survive my death. That seems morbid to say but I’m so glad she never had to deal at 80 yrs old with another child who died especially me as we were so close and I was her only daughter. If her death hurts me so much what would my death have done to her? She got through my brother who died 10 yrs ago but it was so hard on her. I don’t think she would have been able to get over mine. It would have broken her heart for sure. So I’m glad I am the one to deal with her death and not the other way around…morbid but true. I guess what I mean is I would never have wanted her to hurt the way I did and still do.

Sometimes I wonder what she would think of the things I’ve written about missing her. If I know my Mom she would have said “For God’s Sake Honey…get on with your life and don’t be sad because of me!” She would scold me if she knew I have these crying days but deep down I know she would understand. She would not want me to be sad or in pain... that I know for sure! So I do try really hard to be happy because I know that is what she would expect of me. To have a happy fulfilled life which is what I'm trying to live. Some days are just sad though when the reality hits me when I wake up in the morning knowing she will never be sharing this life with me now. That’s the reality! It sucks! I want her back! I wish we could go back in time before she fell down and everything changed with that one little accident that ended with her death 4 months later. I know it sounds like a childish to say this, but this is how it feels to me! When I have a sad day I try to think of all the times we did have together and make myself stop the sadness if I can. The 55 years she loved me and how much I loved her till the day she died at 80 makes me stop feeling sorry for myself but….boy I miss her so much still that my heart just hurts. Will I ever stop missing her? The one thing that I’ve noticed is how nobody really wants to mention her now. Perhaps they think it will make me sad. I’ve read posts before about this as if not speaking of your deceased loved one will stop the sadness. It’s not true people. Talk about them! Relieve the good times. Just the other day I took one of my Granddaughters who is a teenager shopping and said something about remember when Granny took you here all the time. She smiled and said yeah I remember and then dropped it. Not a hint of missing her it seemed. I’ve told her before I don’t want all of you (Grandkids) to forget her. I’m not one of those people who will bring it up all the time but occasionally when something reminds me of her when I am with them, I do try to keep her memory alive by talking about her. The other day the 8 yr old Granddaughter asked me to make cinnamon toast the way Grandma used to make it. Just hearing that made me so happy and I said did ya hear that Mom?? I never really thought about all the little things she did for the kids but when you spent time with her she always made them a milkshake or some little treat they loved.

So I guess I am surviving..healing...somehow…getting by each day…keeping busy…living life…one day at a time… living on the memories I have with her till I see her again. Some days I cry for her, it just hurts so much and I can’t help it and it doesn’t ever feel like it will be okay no matter how much I pretend it will. Those days aren’t as frequent I’ve noticed as they were before which I guess means the wounds are healing. To all of you who are missing your loved ones so bad it hurts, maybe we can all let our memories get us through the bad days if possible and the memories we do have sweeten our future to live without them! That’s how I’m doing it or trying to. So it is true….what is said…time is healing…somehow….I can’t understand how I actually believe this but it seems to be true for me at least. It’s not that I miss her any less…it’s just I am trying to live life like she would tell me to I guess. I have no choice, I can’t go back, so I must keep moving forward. I hope everyone who felt like I did 10 months ago will also be feeling better every day that goes by. Thanks to all of you for the comfort you give to people like me on this site. It really helps the heart to know you are not alone. There is hope! Remember all the good times you had with Mom or Dad. Cherish all the memories I've made is my motto. Ten months and counting. Seems so long but also so short!

I still miss you so much Mom!!!

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Permalink Reply by Casey s on July 29, 2011 at 3:24am

it's funny when i saw the name of your post I decided to read it and comment in hopes that I could help you and instead your post has helped me :) It was a great reminder of how time is healing...perhaps slower than some would like but notheless it does. My dad has been gone almost 2yrs and my wound hurts still as well but I am at the same point as you. I have crying days and times were I would give anything to hear/see him. I think that never goes completely away. But now at least I can smile and be happy when a memory pops up. Sure sometimes I get upset that we didn't have more time together ( He was only 48yrs old) but he was an awesome person who taught me a great many things and I will always be grateful for what time we did have. so thanks for the reminder, I am sorry for your loss and I glad this group is able to help you. :)

Permalink Reply by Taurus Duncan on July 29, 2011 at 10:00am

Thank you for your message. I just got to work and saw it here on the screen. Normally, I probably wouldn't have read it, but I did. My brain has been dull since my Mom left me on June 24th. I hear you and thank you for letting me know that it is not crazy to grieve as I do. I am constantly upset that I can't change what has happened. That I can't feel, smell, or see her response to my questions. There is just so much that I feel that I can't do anymore without her. I miss hear sweetness sooooo much. Again, thank you.

Permalink Reply by Taurus Duncan on July 29, 2011 at 10:00am

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on July 29, 2011 at 11:06am

I know that I haven't written for awhile but, I have been meaning to. It has been a year since my dad passed away. I do read the posts but, I have been meaning to write but, I just haven't. The last few months and even I read through old emails and it has comforted me to hear that people think of me. I know how much they much miss their mom or dad.

Well, I really miss my dad alot. I think of him alot and the pain is so intense sometimes. I know that it'll get better. I have felt intense pain before but, it's different when you miss your parents. I'm really having a hard time and I couldn't express it but, I'm able to express my feelings now. I was hoping that I would have more good times with my dad. We had alot to talk about. Seeing old pictures of my dad is really hard but, I do enjoy it though. The holidays are really hard also. There is so much to do. It was really hard.

When my aunt and cousing went shopping awhile back they bought some curtains and they were really nice but, they weren't the right color so, we took them back. I was really upset by that and cried alot. The pain is not as intense but, it still hurts alot. I will continue to get through it but, it's been hard. I don't cry in public places sometimes but, I feel like it but, I do cry alot in other places also. Sometimes, I think oh my dad would really like that. I then go home and start to cry. I cry when I talk about my dad but, it always makes me feel better and I don't mind talking about my dad. I sometimes think and I say how much I miss my dad and it just makes me cry.

I know that my dad was sick and I wouldn't want him to suffer as much as he did. He had a time of it with me also. We were close.

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on July 29, 2011 at 5:41pm

Lori Sherry said:

I know that I haven't written for awhile but, I have been meaning to. It has been a year since my dad passed away. I do read the posts but, I have been meaning to write but, I just haven't. The last few months and even I read through old emails and it has comforted me to hear that people think of me. I know how much they much miss their mom or dad.

Well, I really miss my dad alot. I think of him alot and the pain is so intense sometimes. I know that it'll get better. I have felt intense pain before but, it's different when you miss your parents. I'm really having a hard time and I couldn't express it but, I'm able to express my feelings now. I was hoping that I would have more good times with my dad. We had alot to talk about. Seeing old pictures of my dad is really hard but, I do enjoy it though. The holidays are really hard also. There is so much to do. It was really hard.

When my aunt and cousing went shopping awhile back they bought some curtains and they were really nice but, they weren't the right color so, we took them back. I was really upset by that and cried alot. The pain is not as intense but, it still hurts alot. I will continue to get through it but, it's been hard. I don't cry in public places sometimes but, I feel like it but, I do cry alot in other places also. Sometimes, I think oh my dad would really like that. I then go home and start to cry. I cry when I talk about my dad but, it always makes me feel better and I don't mind talking about my dad. I sometimes think and I say how much I miss my dad and it just makes me cry.

I know that my dad was sick and I wouldn't want him to suffer as much as he did. He had a time of it with me also. We were close. He didn't want to see me sick either. I felt like crying when I was sick also and my parents couldn't do anything about it.

My brother passed away awhile back and my parents got through it but, my mom still has a hard time but, she's making it. I was his only daughter. I hurt so bad.

I think about how my dad feel about the stuff that I'm writing about missing him. If I know my dad he would say "Don't Cry" or "I don't want you to cry". He would comfort me as I cry in his arms. He would want me to get through it but, he knew that it would be hard for me. He wouldn't want me to be sad or be in pain. I know that. I have my times when I cry but, I'm a happy person and that's what my dad would want. Some days I just want to cry alot and I do. It's what I have to do right now and I accept that. I do want him back but, I wouldn't want him suffering. I wish that I could go back to before he had his surgery and he was doing O.K. but, still very sick. Everything changed that day and I'm not sure it should've. He just got sicker.

When I have a sad day I think of my dad and I just cry really hard. The 32 years that I had with him were alot of struggles but, I always loved him and he loved me. He passed away when he was 67-years-old. I do have times that I feel sorry for myself but, that's not part of it. I will never stop missing him. My heart aches for him. People do mention him though and I sometimes break down and cry. I do relive the good times though but, even those make me cry.

I think of my dad when we go to an Italian restaurant and have cannolis or at work as we worked at the same places for awhile. It makes me cry but, I'm able to talk about it.

I am learning how to survive without my dad. I'm healing slowly. I try to get by each day without her. I TRY to keep busy but, I'm not always busy and that's when it hits me. I'm learning to live life without my dad. I have had plenty of hard days where I just want to cry and I'm able to laugh and smile also. I think of him often. I cry often but, I know that it'll be O.K..

I pray that you all will be comforted as I am.

I miss you so much dad.

Lori Sherry

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on July 31, 2011 at 12:40am

Thanks for your thoughts Casey. I have found as you have that time does help heal. It is such a common thing to hear that... I really didn't know if it was true. You hear it all the time but when you are in the throes of sadness and grief it doesn't seem possible that time could heal. You said it best....a memory pops up that makes you smile but there are days I would give anything to see her or give her a hug and hear her voice. So the memories make it okay! I'm sorry for your loss as well and hope all the wonderful memories you have of your Father bring you as much comfort as mine do of my Mom. I just wanted you to know how reading your post helped my heart today! Thank you Casey

Casey s said:

it's funny when i saw the name of your post I decided to read it and comment in hopes that I could help you and instead your post has helped me :) It was a great reminder of how time is healing...perhaps slower than some would like but notheless it does. My dad has been gone almost 2yrs and my wound hurts still as well but I am at the same point as you. I have crying days and times were I would give anything to hear/see him. I think that never goes completely away. But now at least I can smile and be happy when a memory pops up. Sure sometimes I get upset that we didn't have more time together ( He was only 48yrs old) but he was an awesome person who taught me a great many things and I will always be grateful for what time we did have. so thanks for the reminder, I am sorry for your loss and I glad this group is able to help you. :)

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on August 1, 2011 at 10:17am

Taurus....I know exactly how you feel. I was upset I couldn't change things either. I finally understood nothing I could do would have changed the outcome. I too believe I was numb for a long long time. It just hurt so much! Time has changed alot of that feeling. Now I go to the places I used to take her that I couldn't before. Her favorite little grocery story she had to go to at least twice a week that used to drive me crazy as she wouldn't go to any other stores. I couldn't go in there for months and months without leaving in tears and now I go there all the time to pick up a few things and somehow it brings me comfort. I walk in there and have so many memories that make me smile the minute I walk through the doors. I can see her going from vegetable bin to the fruit bin and now I smile and recall the conversations we had there. So many little memories that made up our lives and now instead of these memories making me cry and hurt they make me smile and recall the times we spent together doing unimportant things like picking up some veggies. I never thought I'd feel that way months ago but now my memories are what get me through my days. I hope your memories of your Mother help you in the months to come and you are able to think of all the good times you had instead of how much it hurts in the moment. Hang in there and let the past (memories) help you into the future. Hugs to you and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Take care!

Taurus Duncan said:

Thank you for your message. I just got to work and saw it here on the screen. Normally, I probably wouldn't have read it, but I did. My brain has been dull since my Mom left me on June 24th. I hear you and thank you for letting me know that it is not crazy to grieve as I do. I am constantly upset that I can't change what has happened. That I can't feel, smell, or see her response to my questions. There is just so much that I feel that I can't do anymore without her. I miss hear sweetness sooooo much. Again, thank you.

Permalink Reply by Taurus Duncan on August 2, 2011 at 10:31am

Dottie's Daughter said:

Taurus....I know exactly how you feel. I was upset I couldn't change things either. I finally understood nothing I could do would have changed the outcome. I too believe I was numb for a long long time. It just hurt so much! Time has changed alot of that feeling. Now I go to the places I used to take her that I couldn't before. Her favorite little grocery story she had to go to at least twice a week that used to drive me crazy as she wouldn't go to any other stores. I couldn't go in there for months and months without leaving in tears and now I go there all the time to pick up a few things and somehow it brings me comfort. I walk in there and have so many memories that make me smile the minute I walk through the doors. I can see her going from vegetable bin to the fruit bin and now I smile and recall the conversations we had there. So many little memories that made up our lives and now instead of these memories making me cry and hurt they make me smile and recall the times we spent together doing unimportant things like picking up some veggies. I never thought I'd feel that way months ago but now my memories are what get me through my days. I hope your memories of your Mother help you in the months to come and you are able to think of all the good times you had instead of how much it hurts in the moment. Hang in there and let the past (memories) help you into the future. Hugs to you and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. Take care!

Taurus Duncan said:

Thank you for your message. I just got to work and saw it here on the screen. Normally, I probably wouldn't have read it, but I did. My brain has been dull since my Mom left me on June 24th. I hear you and thank you for letting me know that it is not crazy to grieve as I do. I am constantly upset that I can't change what has happened. That I can't feel, smell, or see her response to my questions. There is just so much that I feel that I can't do anymore without her. I miss hear sweetness sooooo much. Again, thank you.

Permalink Reply by Taurus Duncan on August 2, 2011 at 10:42am

Thank you. I know that it will get better. I am old as heck and I am trying not to be a baby about this. I know that so many people have lost someone special to them. I know that my Mom is now a part of the big picture. Does anybody have any advice about sleeping at night. I have not slept a full night since my Mom died. I don't know if it is because of our special circumstances related to her illness, or if this is simply normal. I know that I was in shock the night that it happened. I don't know how to deal with trying to find a normal exsistance. If you have any ideas, please share.

Thank you for your kind words. I am also sorry for your loss. As I read your words my heart is sad. \ hugs / and God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Altier on August 3, 2011 at 9:25pm

Not sure that I will ever get over my fathers death! It has been 8 years and I still find myself asking him for help, why can't he just be here to help! My cherished memories have been made bearable by turning one of his shirts (that I happen to make him too), into a bear. This helped me because now I can look at the bear, hug it, talk to it! I have helped many others too by making them bears. Now my friends and family said it was time to have many, so if you would like, please take a look at my website and perhaps I can help make your memories bearable. WWW.LIFETHROUGHTHEEYESOFABEAR.COM

Permalink Reply by jessy on August 4, 2011 at 12:05am

Glad I am not the only person reading this and missing my dad still 5 years out. Sure it gets easier, but the holidays never stop coming, those special days are always hard. I miss Sunday morning breakfasts together. I miss someone who was so unconditional in their love of me. I still miss him, and I still have regrets. I know I should let that all go - he would. I guess it really is true for some people , like me, that sometimes you don't TRULY know what you have until it is gone. I adored my father, but never thought I would feel sick on Father's day 5 years after he died. Those days , like Father's day are brutal. It is strange how my body knows the dates. I don;t even have to look at the calendar, I feel that little black cloud settle over me and then look at the calendar and realize a date of significance is here. It is like it is cellular. Well Here I am again, so a date must be approaching - yes these are the months he began to fail. Crazy word to describe someone so healthy all of his life, but cancer will do that to a person.

I cared for a patient in the hospital the other day and he had cancer. His beautiful loving daughters were all strewn around his room I wished I could have shaken them and told them to hold every single moment dear - because before you know it he will be gone forever and the void will be like nothing you could have ever anticipated. Of course I just looked around the room lovingly and when they apologized for being so insistent about asking questions I told them that if it were my father I would do the same and I was happy to help them in any way. As I walked out of the room I thought yes if it were my father I would do it differently. I would sit more, I would not worry about details that are insignificant. I would be present for the important things in life..... yes a good place to start, maybe now.

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