Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nannette Sherman on November 28, 2010 at 8:42pm

Hi Vickie, I also just found this site today. My mom's birthday was August 7th; she passed February 23rd this year. My first grandchild was born November 9th-so she got to see him and hold him but it wasn't long until she was gone. She had several great grandchildren. I think this site will help-after all we at least can relate to this loss and how severe it is. Our blessing was having such great mothers and now it is also our cross to bear as we must survive without them. I hope you stay on the site. It helps me to not feel so alone.
Vickie Kollaja said:

Hi. My Mother died July 17, 2010---- I have already gone thru her Birthday Aug 26, and now it is after Thanksgiving..thank God..we prepared dinner with all her favorite foods that she liked and would make on TG. Now the holidays are coming..but a 1st stop...my birthday is dec 7---would always get a special gift from her on my birthday..she always did that for us 3...children..now on to christmas--she would choose the best gifts for keepsakes and bought for everyone....we gave her 4 grandchildren and my kiddos 2 of them gave her 3 great grand children..one who was born March 2010---so needless to say--he was born the year she died...so keeping up with the years won't be hard...my dad has been gone for 33 years and he passed when i was 18...i dont cry often for my daddy--but my mother is different...i cry constantly....I feel crappy and depressed is more like it. Hoping to get better and soon...I try to keep busy, but that does not help much...I found this site by accident today---and decided to sign up..but it may make it worse...we will see....so for those out there....I am so sorry for your loss..my MOTHER meant the world to me....

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on November 29, 2010 at 12:20am

Nannette....you are not alone. My Mom died 2 months ago today and her birthday which was Oct 12th was 2 wks after she passed. It seems like she died yesterday or today for that matter. I miss her every hour of my day and it hasn't eased up at all. I miss the phone calls...the shopping...the hugs..everything....the time we spent together every single day. I just miss her so much! She was such a huge part of my life! Even though she was 80 and everybody tells me she had a full life it still hurts she is gone. I would give anything for one more day or even one more hour with my Mom. I only got through Thanksgiving because I did something I've never done before on a holiday. I went hiking with my husband. If Mom were alive we would have been cooking all day just like we always had all my life. As for being surrounded by death, I know exactly what you mean. My good friend from work lost her Mom tragically in July this year. My best friend I grew up with lost her Father this Sept before I lost Mom, he was like a Dad to me all through my childhood. Another really good friend lost her 84yr old Mother Oct 4th and another friend just lost his baby to SIDS a week ago which was unbelievable. The roommate of my Mom's at the hospital who I had befriended died 2 days after my Mom. I really loved talking with her and she always told me how much my Mom loved me. I don't know why this is happening but its just adding to the sadness I feel. I agree with you.......so much pain to get through.

Permalink Reply by Nannette Sherman on November 29, 2010 at 10:57pm

Dottie's Daughter, Thank you for your kind words. What a wonderful change to hike on Thanksgiving rather than repeat the old pattern without your Mom. This first year of all the firsts will hopefully be our hardest year. So far I had my first Mother's Day, first birthday (mine), first birthday (hers), first Thanksgiving...I managed to get through these but Christmas will certainly be the biggest one. Right now I feel as though I am just scraping by, just surviving. I want to get to the point where I can talk about her and not feel the pain and loss; I want to be able to feel light in my heart instead of this black abyss. I wonder at times how long it will be before I can be with her again. I wonder if she knows how much I miss her. I go to another funeral on Wednesday........more pain-as I have to watch a family bury their father, husband, and son. I know too well the journey that they are starting.
Dottie's Daughter said:

Nannette....you are not alone. My Mom died 2 months ago today and her birthday which was Oct 12th was 2 wks after she passed. It seems like she died yesterday or today for that matter. I miss her every hour of my day and it hasn't eased up at all. I miss the phone calls...the shopping...the hugs..everything....the time we spent together every single day. I just miss her so much! She was such a huge part of my life! Even though she was 80 and everybody tells me she had a full life it still hurts she is gone. I would give anything for one more day or even one more hour with my Mom. I only got through Thanksgiving because I did something I've never done before on a holiday. I went hiking with my husband. If Mom were alive we would have been cooking all day just like we always had all my life. As for being surrounded by death, I know exactly what you mean. My good friend from work lost her Mom tragically in July this year. My best friend I grew up with lost her Father this Sept before I lost Mom, he was like a Dad to me all through my childhood. Another really good friend lost her 84yr old Mother Oct 4th and another friend just lost his baby to SIDS a week ago which was unbelievable. The roommate of my Mom's at the hospital who I had befriended died 2 days after my Mom. I really loved talking with her and she always told me how much my Mom loved me. I don't know why this is happening but its just adding to the sadness I feel. I agree with you.......so much pain to get through.

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on November 30, 2010 at 1:32pm

Hi,

My name is Lori Sherry.

I miss my dad everyday. This was the first Thanksgiving without him. We celebrated it on Friday as we weren't sure when my brother from Houston, Texas would arrive. We knew it wasn't going to be Thursday though. He actually went to a football game so, that's why he wasn't home. I hate not getting his hugs, not talking to him and not hearing his voice. I am 32-years-old now. I hurt, and cry sometimes.

I know that he is at peace now. I just miss him SO much. I have lost my brother, my former co-worker and other family also the last few years. I also have a friend who lost her brother.

I just broke down and cried over the loss of my co-worker. I waited until I came home then I cried.

The holidays are really hard for me but, I'll get through.

My dad's birthday is January 16th so, that will be a really hard day.

I do have reason to be Thankful though.

We had Thanksgiving at our preacher's house so, that made it a little bit easier.

His birthday and my birthday which is in February will be really hard. I would always get special gifts from my parents. They choose the best gifts which we tell them what we want and they get them and other surprises.

I have cried some for my dad. I feel depressed. I know that it will get better someday as I really believe that. I work at two WONDERFUL jobs but, that doesn't help very much.

My brother passed away on February 25th.

My dad was a HUGE part of my life.

I would give everything to have one more day with my dad.

I'm truely blessed though.

Permalink Reply by Debbra B on December 1, 2010 at 12:25am

Hi Nannette, I've been boycotting the holidays for the past couple of years since my mother-in-law passed away. She was "mom" to me for 13 years. I was planning to avoid the holidays again this year except some colleagues from work literally invited themselves over for Thanksgiving. I was wondering when the holidays would get better. It's taken over two years, but as we reengaged this year in making the time special with our friends, creating new traditions and keeping some of the old ones (like sharing Mom Hazel's favorite recipes) it was better this year. I finally put up a Christmas tree this year and made it a special memorial to Hazel. You can see the picture and the story here at http://www.stages-of-grief-recovery.com/Christmas

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. It is so fresh and compounded by so many deaths around you. You are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Angie on December 1, 2010 at 9:15am

Thanks so much for writing about your Thanksgiving. This year was also my family's first without our Mom. I wrote about it on my blog: http://mermaidmusing.blogspot.com/

I feel the hardest holiday is yet to come...

Permalink Reply by Francis Valente III on December 1, 2010 at 7:18pm

Hi Angie! This was my first Thanksgiving without Mom! For some reason I did not really think about her (she passed In Sept) much during dinner! Probably too sad and painful to deal with. I cried later. I really do not have the "Christmas spirit" now. I do not even know about getting a tree right now. Maybe my feelings may change but my heart is still shattered--I have to work on things day by day!

Regards Frank.

Permalink Reply by Tricia McLaughlin on December 2, 2010 at 9:17pm

The first Thanksgiving was worse than I ever expected. My mum passed on May 31, 2010. Four weeks ago, my brother got diagnosed with lung cancer, which is very aggressive. My stepbrother wants me to go to Florida in a few weeks at Christmas, and I feel I must for my own sanity.

Now, I'm getting the "guilt laid on me" for leaving my brother, who has never been there for me emotionally in my 59 years of life. I am seeing him through a second opinion appointment at a facility here in Massachusetts next Wednesday. He lives in Maine. I told him he has made it abundantly clear he does not want me involved in his treatment and anytime I have offered him advise, he has told me what to do with myself. I told him that I had lived 59 years for other people; that it was time I lived for myself. His retort was until I accept the fact that my Mum is dead, even going to Florida, won't help. My God, I wanted to scream, but held my tongue. I just can't believe that people are so callous and insensitive when it comes to grief.

I know he is facing his own mortality, but some things never change, such as his selfishness. I now need to be selfish myself. I was the sole caregiver of my Mum for 12 years, and it has left such a void in my life that, right now, I can't seem to fill.

Thanks for listening.

Tricia

Permalink Reply by Jeri LaFlamme on December 3, 2010 at 10:10pm

My mom died 9/15/07, she was 81. She had me when she was 40 and soon after divorced my father. She raised me on her own with no support. I never knew my father as it was his wishes to stay out of my life. When I was 19 my mom wanted to move to Maine where she was born so that she could retire and die in Maine, so I brought her up here. She lived with me in my house for 22 years until her death. My older half sister (who just turned 62) barely had anything to do with her in all those years. I was her primary care taker along with my husband. We raised our girls with her in the house and then when my youngest had her baby in 2003 we had 4 generations in the house! It was really amazing. One of my daughters had the forethought to get all the recipes that mom made for special occasions and made recipe books up. Mom always cooked all our meals and now my husband has had to take over doing her job..I just can't bear going into the kitchen. I have no friends, my daughters see me every week and I babysit my youngest grandson once a week. I had mom cremated and have her ashes in my possession. When I can handle it I want to have a service for her in her hometown of Bar Harbor, on the ocean where she wanted her ashes scattered. I just can't find it in me to let go of them as I miss her so much already and I feel that scattering her ashes will be such a finality. She was my best friend, my confidante and even when she got ill she was still the strong one. I put on a brave face for everyone in my family but deep down I am utterly miserable. This will be the 3rd holiday season without her and I feel I should be getting "better" coping with her loss, but it seems like yesterday that I lost her. I know I am fortunate because I had her with me for so long but that doesn't make the pain any less. The last thing I said to her was "Thank you for being my mom" and she replied back "Thank you for being the best daughter in the world", before she slipped into a morphine induced coma. I still hear her words inside my head but I don't feel her presence anymore, the house is so empty without her in it. How do I get over this? How do I move on? She was the reason I functioned for all those years. Its taken me 3 yrs just to write about her and there is so much more to say...I am broken hearted.

Permalink Reply by Charita Messina on December 6, 2010 at 11:40am

Hello All,

My name is Charita and I lost my mother suddenly and unexpectedly September 4, 2010. Yes Thanksgiving was just simply awful even though I have much to be thankful for. You see my sister was getting married on October 16th and mom was super excited to host the rehearsal dinner and she constantly bragged about her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Mom was only 63 and I was totally unprepared for this horrible shock that has shattered my heart. I spoke to my mom the night before and all seemed to be okay, and at 6:40 a.m the next day I received a call saying we can't get your mom to get up. Of course half a sleep I immediately panicked and said what do you mean you cannot get her up thinking she fell or something and thats when they said we are trying to wake her up and she is not waking up. All of a sudden my body went weak, I got sick to my stomach and immediately wanted to start blaming God. And I know my mom would be mad at me because you see my mom served the Lord everyday. She worked at our Local Parish Priest house forever, cleaned the church, cooked at all of the events, would love it when they would invite her to the ordinations of the priest, and took anyone and everyone under her wing. My mom has left a legacy like no other I have ever witnessed. She literally had no enemies and there was no one who had a bad thought or memory, she was the best person ever and I am grateful that God allowed her to be my mother. Having said all of this my heart is broken, I feel like I am going crazy, and I don't know what to do to ease some of this pain and how do I go forward. I am lost and finding it hard to get back to some kind of normal.

Christmas is coming and I just wish it would silently and hurriedly go by. My dad had a massive stroke in 2007, so we are now taking care of him and his wishes everyday and everynight are that he close his eyes and the Lord take him to be with my mother. It is pitiful for he does not eat, does not go anywhere except the cemetery everyday like clock work, and he is looking not so healthy. This death of our mother/wife has taken its toll and none of us know how to cope. I too wish my mother would come visit me in my dreams just for a few seconds to tell me she is alright and allow me to tell her one more time how much I love her and what she has meant in my life. I know others say she knows but it is not the same.

Sorry I have rambled but I just don't know what to do and if this is even going to help. Sometimes I want to join a real live group, scream until my pain is somewhat eased, cry, and everyone let me cry vs. someone telling me you will be alright, or if you are alright, and I just want to yell "REALLY" my mom died how alright do you think I am, then I step back and say sometimes people just don't know what to say but feel the need to say something.

At any rate I am feeling your pain and God help us all as we continue to have 1st of everything and when it becomes routine thereafter.... :-( Thank you for allowing me to share and grieve if only for today.

With A Heavy Heart,
Charita

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on December 6, 2010 at 8:38pm

Charita....you have struck a chord with me. I feel just as you do and I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm told things will get better with time which seems hard to believe as I feel the same sadness today as I did the day my Mother passed away on Sept 28th this year but I'm hopeful time will help. I've noticed there are many kind people on here who seem to care and know how we feel which makes me feel better somehow, I hope it does for you too. Just know you are not alone and we are all sharing your pain and sadness. I didn't want to celebrate Thanksgiving either and only got through it by doing something totally different than I've ever done before on that holiday. I'm dreading Christmas as well but I will be trying to participate for the sake of my husband and both our families. I was really close to my Mother and I'm trying to remember all the good times I shared with her and not dwell on how much I miss her. Its hard to do but I know if she were alive she would have a talk with me about moving forward. Some days are better than others and some days are just terrible because I miss her so much. We will get through this perhaps missing our Mothers forever but we will get through it. I believe that I will see my Mom again so that helps me.... I'm not sure if you believe as I do but the faith that I have we will be reunited someday helps ease my pain. Your Mother sounds like she was such a wonderful woman and so many loved her. That must be a comfort to you I hope. You are right... God help us. Take care and a big hug to you.