Finally found a place where I can share my grief with someone. On January 11, 2011 I lost my dad to a massive heart attack at the age of 65. He was so young and full of life still. He went out that morning to shovel the snow from the driveway and came back in the house short of breath and had chest pains. We called the ambulance to come get him and within an hour he was gone. They tried to revive him for over an hour, but were unable to bring him back.
When I first heard the news that he had coded at the hospital, I was in denial. I believed that he would be okay...that they would bring him back. I screamed and cried when my mother came home and told me that he was gone. The first few days after his death, I felt so numb and angry. I feel partly to blame because I did not tell him to not shovel the driveway. My father was very stubborn though and felt that he needed to do things for himself. Even though I know that he would not have listened to me, I feel partly to blame for his death. I never thought that he could die, I just couldn't fathom life without him in it.
But here I am, being swallowed by grief. I go back and forth crying and trying understand that he is not coming home. Sometimes I think that he is only gone to a friends house and will be coming home at any minute, but I am brought back to reality when the emptiness sets in. I just want him home, I want to see him again...touch him, tell him how much I love him. I am struggling to understand why he was taken from me. There is just so much anger, sadness and loneliness inside of me. Does it ever get better? I feel like I can barely function, and the days go on without me.