My dad was my life!

My beloved father passed away on December 27, 2014. I was his only child and his caregiver. We had lived in the same house together for all of my life (55 years). My parents divorced when I was only five and I was raised by my father, so my bond with him was extra close. He had been sick for a long time, he was 86, but his death still came as a terrible shock to me. Twice I found him in distress, unattended in the ICU, and then I watched him die from respiratory failure in Comfort Care for 36 hours straight.

My father was my best friend and my hero. For the first time in my life I am completely alone, no husband, no children, no friends or relatives close by. I feel lost without my father. He was the kindest man I ever knew. Our favorite pastime was to watch classic movies and listen to music together. We watched at least one movie together almost every evening. Sometimes we would binge watch Masterpiece Theater and Boardwalk Empire. Now I hardly turn on the tv, because it makes me miss him too much. I can't even watch Downton Abbey anymore, because he's not with me. Hearing the music we used to enjoy together makes me sad and anxious. Some cousins and friends have tried to keep me company when they can (which isn't often). I appreciate their kindness, they have given me comfort, but it isn't enough. They go back to their loved ones. I have no one anymore.

My father and I understood each other almost perfectly. He taught me to like everything he liked. The only thing I didn't understand about him was why he liked staying home so much. I loved being home with him all those years, but I also feel like life passed us by. There were so many things I wanted my dad to enjoy, but we ran out of time. Life isn't fun anymore without him. I knew this would happen, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's natural for our parents to die before us, but I feel like a huge part of my life has died with him. There is no more meaning or purpose in my life. People tell me to live for myself, but I don't know how.

My dad lives on in my memory, but I don't think I will ever be as happy again as I was when he was alive. I told him I loved him every day, but I wish I had spent more time with him, even though I was usually just in the next room when I wasn't beside him. I feel like I wasted time on my hobbies and trying to fix up the house, when I should have spent more time with him, keeping him company and cherishing every last moment with him. I did spend a lot of time with him, but I could have spent more! Sometimes he watched our favorite movies by himself, because I was busy doing something else. How could I leave him alone like that? I acted like we had all the time in the world -- how could I be so stupid! I should have asked him more questions and written down his answers. I guess I didn't think of this before, because I was in denial. I had too much faith in his will to live. He had been through so many crises before and always recovered until this last time. I helped save his life more than once, but this time I feel like there was something I did or something I didn't do that led to his demise. I trusted his doctors and the hospital, but they made mistakes. I feel like I should have taken him to another hospital, but they all make mistakes.

I cry every day. I have chronic insomnia and tingling feelings in my arms. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like I took him for granted. I wish I had never complained about anything to him. I should have just been happy that he was with me. He was so stoic. He didn't like to worry me. Now I wonder if he was suffering more than he would tell me. For many years I was a caregiver for four elderly relatives in succession, but the loss of my father is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I thought I was strong, but I can't take this! I have endured the loss of other loved ones, but my dad was always there to give me moral support, so I didn't feel as lonely and hopeless as I do now. My mother died just two months before my father, but she didn't raise me, so I don't miss her nearly as much as my dad. With her I mostly mourn what might have been.

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Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 30, 2015 at 9:10pm

Thank you for sharing the nice photo of your dad. He was good looking! I can imagine how his great sense of humor made him a lot of fun to be around. God bless him for being such a sweet man and a wonderful father to you.

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 31, 2015 at 2:54am

thnx gilda

Permalink Reply by dream moon on June 27, 2015 at 4:57pm

Mike Jose said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences we go through in our lives. One of the closest friends I ever had died about 4 years a go and I still can't think about him with out crying. But I was able to find comfort in the bibles promise that I would see him again. In John 5:28,29 Jesus spoke about a time when the dead will be resurrected. This is a powerful thought and helps us to understand that this suffering is only temporary. If you have any questions or want more help, there is a lot of information on JW.org. I hope it helps.

so sorry 4 yore loss sisne dad died iv had loss non stip u cud say so mush bad thngs goo on i feel lk im bean pusnd i do

iv alwyas try 2 pit evry 1 1st slf lst i do few wks go mum wz dignzd wth brest c so im word evn mre juts hpe she can beat it

i worry wen i go i end up rotng hell coz i let s 1 dwn yrs go i did cazin thm a strok wish i feal so bad abot it i do she wnt me 2 get her meds 2 her strt away i dnt coz i must lst bus 2 her hme i wz 2 lazy 2 go 2 her hme 3 mil on foot thn 3 mil bk 2 my hme on foot nxt day sh haz a masv strok coz she dnt hav her meds i no hers sosn wear not happy at me hears anyng thng thy bth hav cars bt dnt feal guilt i do

sorry if im rantn 2 mush

Permalink Reply by Gilda on June 27, 2015 at 5:30pm

Mike Jose, thank you for your comforting message. I am very sorry for your loss. I also can't help crying for my dad when I think of him suffering and even sometimes even when I think of the good times. I do pray every day for my father, hoping that he is happy in heaven. The hardest part is not knowing how he is doing. He was a good man, the nicest man I ever knew, but the road to heaven is narrow, and will I make it there myself? I seem to be in hell already with my grief and longing for my dear father. I am so heartsick that he did not get ot confess his sins, because he was sedated in the hospital when the priest came to give him the last rites. Then when he awoke, I asked the priest to return to give him comfort and absolution, but he couldn't come because it was Christmas Day. He said he would send another priest attached to the church, who never showed up. My father asked for God's mercy over and over. Finally, a male nurse told him, "God is good, my friend." And that seemed to comfort him. I am so glad that he was calm and peaceful before he slipped into unconsciousness. I reminded my father of the story of the Good Thief, which gave him much hope that he, too, could enter Paradise. Not that he was a thief, but if a thief could make it to heaven, then so could he. A friend of my father said, "I don't know what he was worried about, he was the nicest man I ever met." WIth great goodness comes great humility.

Permalink Reply by Gilda on June 27, 2015 at 6:47pm

dream moon, I am so sorry about your mom being diagnosed with cancer. I know it feels like we're being punished, but that's not so at all. It is just the way of the world. The older we get the more loved ones we lose. I wish it didn't have to be that way. My mother died two months before my father, but I was much closer to my dad, because he raised me after my parents divorced. I hope your mother will make a quick and full recovery. More people do these days. My neighbor across the street is in remission from her breast cancer and then her mother got it just months after her. Luckily, she's in remission, too.

I'm very sorry that you feel guilty. You are not guilty, because you had no intention of causing her harm. To be guilty you have to want to do someone harm -- you didn't know she would have a stroke. If anyone should feel guilty, it's her sons, because they have cars and could have helped her a lot more easily than you. Still, even they aren't guilty, because they didn't wish her harm, unless they neglected her on purpose. Some kids are so ungrateful, but also some parents don't speak out enough to tell their kids what they need. Then other parents demand too much. Every case is different.

Permalink Reply by dream moon on June 28, 2015 at 10:55am

Gilda said:

dream moon, I am so sorry about your mom being diagnosed with cancer. I know it feels like we're being punished, but that's not so at all. It is just the way of the world. The older we get the more loved ones we lose. I wish it didn't have to be that way. My mother died two months before my father, but I was much closer to my dad, because he raised me after my parents divorced. I hope your mother will make a quick and full recovery. More people do these days. My neighbor across the street is in remission from her breast cancer and then her mother got it just months after her. Luckily, she's in remission, too.

I'm very sorry that you feel guilty. You are not guilty, because you had no intention of causing her harm. To be guilty you have to want to do someone harm -- you didn't know she would have a stroke. If anyone should feel guilty, it's her sons, because they have cars and could have helped her a lot more easily than you. Still, even they aren't guilty, because they didn't wish her harm, unless they neglected her on purpose. Some kids are so ungrateful, but also some parents don't speak out enough to tell their kids what they need. Then other parents demand too much. Every case is different.

thnx g me 2 pray she can beat it cuzn it had strok wz not nise persn shes not bit ths 2nd strok wz bad evry tim i hear shess get wrse i feal evn mre guilt i do bit did nt wish ths on her i did not

her sons hav stoll off her bt evry 1 els 2 balm bit thm or her bt i wish hrm on no 1 aprt frm killers peadfles i wish hrm on thm i do evn gt told it wz wong 2 wish hrm on killers peadfles i did but thy did bad thngs 2 humns thy did

Permalink Reply by Gilda on June 28, 2015 at 11:40am

I will pray for you and your mother. It sounds to me that your cousin's sons are feeling guilty for the other bad things they did and are trying to shift the blame to you. What they think about you hardly matters, because Jesus said let those without sin cast the first stone. He would say to you, "Where are your accusers?" You have to forgive yourself as Jesus would forgive you. He knows what's in your heart.