Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by At a loss on October 19, 2009 at 9:46pm

Susie,
I hope with all my heart that your brother can see your message. I firmly believe that a part of the love that a person shares with you can never die. Once your hearts share love, the person gets to live with you.

I lost my mother-in-law to cancer. She was a wonderful and caring person. I felt so lost and abandoned. When she died I lost my best friend and my mother. My own mother discarded me at an early age. When I met and married her son, my mother-in-law, took me under her wing and helped me become a better person. This woman shared her love with me and was the only caring mother I had ever known. I miss her with all my heart and many days I just cry for apparently no reason. I wanted her to see her grandchildren and that I had matured and become a better person because she was in my life. But that was not to be. She died 16 years, 11 months and 11 days ago. I still find myself wanting to talk to her. So I fully understand your letter to your brother Stevie.

Please know that others do understand as well. I hope Stevie does see this letter.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 21, 2009 at 2:10am

Thankyou very much for your comments. Im sorry about your mother in law. I had a step mom who really was my friend. We never lived together under the same roof...so to me she was my friend for 21 years..unfortunately her life was cut short.At 54 years of age she was murdered, burned beyond recognition, that was just 15 days before x-mas, only 10 days after her first grandchild was born and 6 months before my brother took his life. I miss her and I understand that kind of special relationship. Im sorry
Sue

Permalink Reply by At a loss on October 21, 2009 at 9:29pm

Hi Sue,

I think you have had so much tragedy in your life. They always say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I think "they" forgot how hard it is to live through that "what doesn't kill you" part of it. Picking up the pieces after a loved one has died is soooooo beyond hard. Holidays, birthdays, and reunions are so hard to face. You find yourself dreading them instead of wanting to be with others. When you do force yourself to go, people find it difficult to talk to you because they know that someone important is missing. No one wants to discuss the "elephant in the room". The way that I cope with it is to bring along pictures of my mother-in-law and break the ice a bit by having everyone tell a story about her. After a few laughs, we all realize that we have to go on and that it is okay to eat, drink, and laugh. But quietly, in my heart, I wish that the world had stopped when she left us. Then I wouldn't have to face another day without hearing her laughter, feeling her arms around me, or seeing her smile. She gave great hugs. She died on Oct. 30, 1992. I can still remember the smell of the soap that she used and way she curled her hair. I know that is silly stuff to remember, but having a living mother that does not care about you, you tend to cling on to the one that did care and died.

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your step mother as well. How did you manage to handle it? Did they ever find the murderer? Who would do such a horrible thing to another human being? Did she know her killer? That poor woman faced such a terrible death. With her death just a few months before you lost your brother, how did you manage all the sadness and grief?

I am having a problem with my daughter (as I state in another comment on this site). She was dating a young man, 24 years old, who suddenly decided that last Friday was a good day to die. He committed suicide while his father was at work. He did not tell my daughter anything. His mother had died of lung cancer in January and his sister died a year ago from a car accident. His suicide left his father all alone. There is no one else in the family. The young man posted a message on myspace (goodbye world, I want to see my mother again so I'm gone to find my utopia) and then he shot himself. This young man had dated my daughter on and off for almost 8 years. They did not live together, but they spoke every day for at least six hours and then they emailed and instant messaged each other until 3 am. every day. They dated on weekends when she came home from college. The young man had to quit his job to take care of his invalid grandparents. His suicide did not do their health any good. His father cannot go back to his house and all he can do is cry and ask "why?"

And now, I can't seem to get it through to my daughter that she has to go on. She wants to stop living. She won't eat, she won't sleep more than 10 minutes at a time and she refuses to even drink water. I will have to force her into a hospital if she keeps this up. I have tried to get her to a doctor. She is 23 and refuses to go. I have threatened, pleaded, begged, and even cried in an attempt to get her to respond to something normal, but it is not working. My husband told me to let her pass out and call an ambulance. I don't want to wait that long.

I hate to get personal, but this is an anonymous post, so I feel that maybe I can ask...how did you handle losing your brother and stepmom in less than six months? I have tried to talk her through the steps of grief, but she won't listen to me or her father. My husband was very candid about the way that he felt when he lost his mother. I told her all of my feelings, but she just says that "we don't understand!" Believe me, we DO understand. Maybe you can tell me something that can help her.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 21, 2009 at 11:16pm

At a loss,
Thankyou for your reply... Im sorry that your daughter is going thru this. Sorry for her loss. As for how I coped well...I am much older than your daughter. I have experienced much trauma and drama in my life and yet...my brothers death reduced me to mush. I really considered myself a strong person, his death made me realize not as strong as I thought. I had a wonderful husband who supported me, I was lucky. Your daughter is lucky too, she has you.
I went to my doctor, couldnt stop the tears..and he gave me some anti-depressants. Im not a pill taker but for a month or so I tried. I found a forum much like this one and poured my heart out. The people I met there helped me regain my sanity, I swear. I recently found another forum http://www.pos-ffos.com/ (please copy and paste this) Anyway this forum is very similiar to the one I visited and it has a section for teenagers to post etc. I think your daughter would get alot from that forum.
I created a page of my brothers life that was part of a book passed around other survivers...theraputic. Your daughter may like to do a virtual memorial. I found this site, virtual-memorials.com (copy & paste) Your daughter could do something like that. This is something she could do which would honour her love's life and once again be theraputic.
She needs to talk and not bottle it all up inside. I could say therapy and all that but for me and this is a personal choice, therapy just seemed too formal. I needed to recover at my own speed, my own way, and I did see my doctor for what I could not control. Im not sure if Ive helped you here as everyone is different in how they grieve, how long it lasts, and their journey back to the land of the living. The honest truth of it is time..
Give your daughter a hug from me..
Sue

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 21, 2009 at 11:21pm

P.S. My mistake, typo- there was 9 months difference in the deaths of Steve and Kay. I handled Kay's death much better, I think my brothers death just sent me over the edge. If you check out that other site go to the grief forum. Good luck

Permalink Reply by At a loss on October 22, 2009 at 12:07pm

Sue,

You have helped me more than you know. I went to the site and found that there are many people in this world having trouble coping in all different ways with death. I will try to get my daughter to see that there are those who care enough about a stranger to post their thoughts and care online. I still am not able to convince her to go to a doctor, but at least she is drinking water now.

I suggested that she do a memorial online and she seemed to perk up a bit after that and came up with many things that she can say about him.

Thank you so much for opening up your heart to us. Your words have really touched us and helped us finally break through to her. She is now able to cry and drink water. First steps, but crucial ones to make. Thank you for being such a caring person. With all of the tragedy that has come your way, you still found a way to give some anonymous person hope. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your time. I wish you nothing but happiness in your life.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 22, 2009 at 12:36pm

Thankyou very much for your kind words. I really hope this helps your daughter and you too. I think when you mentioned how much time she spent on the computer with her love, a memorial on the web may be exactly what she needs. She will find purpose in doing his memorial I think. I hope she does visit the other site as well. All you can do is give her the info and let her take it from there. There are a few posts with links to their loved ones memorials, it may help get her used to the forums and memorial sites. When you are hurting that bad, you need something to do, somewhere to go, and be around others who will not judge you for how you feel. Saved me seriously. She is very lucky to have you.
All the best to you and her. Please keep me posted about her progress. I really hope this helps
Love Sue

Permalink Reply by Pj on November 17, 2009 at 10:09pm

Sue,
I had posted or attempted to post a message to you but it didn't publish for some reason.
The other message was more lengthy and right now I can't duplicate it but I want you to know how much your letter to your brother touched my heart...I've thought of it many times and how you speak to him and talk about his son. I did have advice when I was able to see a counselor briefly that is just like what you do in writing/speaking to your brother as if he is with you.
She said to me if ''Denny'' was here today right now, what would you say to him? There were so many unresolved issues and no last hug, kiss or I love you son but as of now I have on many occasions talked to him and apologized for the life we lived with his biological father, I've asked for his forgiveness that I could never seem to get help for all of us...I have often thought my son was cheated out of his life because we had been through so much of a nightmare, living with a violent mentally off husband and father, someone who left nothing but damage behind. He is no longer alive and I have asked God why was he allowed to hurt and damage so many lives for so long...I can't seem to reconcile that with anything.
Sue, I got off track here, I really wanted to thank you for reminding me I can talk to my son at any time..I can write him a letter at any time as you did with your brother.
good thoughts & prayers
Pj

Permalink Reply by SUE on November 18, 2009 at 12:42am

Pj,
Thankyou for your comments. I know what its like to write a lengthy comment and lose it...grrr and I can never remember it completely for a second attempt either. I appreciate your efforts !! Writing the letter, getting out on paper helps. So does creating a memorial and pictures and detailing the memories. I dont know, it just made all the difference to me, with my grief. Never made it to counselling, probably should of. I was really desperate in my struggles in the beginning. I just got the computer and was so inept in trying to use it. My first (really only) forum was for suicide survivors, and I had to make gigantic efforts just to figure out how to post. My brothers death forced me to get computer savy. I was that desperate to speak,to write, to learn, to get help. You'd laugh at my efforts back then to just log in. Ok off track there, hope you got my meaning in that.
Im currently going thru something..just learned my ex love is missing and presumed dead. His sister thinks suicide. Some skeletal remains were found in 2003, they think its him. She asked me if I knew who his dentist was, needed adult records to compare...anyway I gave her a love letter her brother wrote me almost 20 years ago, in it may hold the information she needs...I am freaking out on the inside...
I saw the pictures, the bracelet,shirt, and what I believe is his remains..it gets hard to breathe,
Sue


Pj said:

Sue,
I had posted or attempted to post a message to you but it didn't publish for some reason.
The other message was more lengthy and right now I can't duplicate it but I want you to know how much your letter to your brother touched my heart...I've thought of it many times and how you speak to him and talk about his son. I did have advice when I was able to see a counselor briefly that is just like what you do in writing/speaking to your brother as if he is with you.
She said to me if ''Denny'' was here today right now, what would you say to him? There were so many unresolved issues and no last hug, kiss or I love you son but as of now I have on many occasions talked to him and apologized for the life we lived with his biological father, I've asked for his forgiveness that I could never seem to get help for all of us...I have often thought my son was cheated out of his life because we had been through so much of a nightmare, living with a violent mentally off husband and father, someone who left nothing but damage behind. He is no longer alive and I have asked God why was he allowed to hurt and damage so many lives for so long...I can't seem to reconcile that with anything.
Sue, I got off track here, I really wanted to thank you for reminding me I can talk to my son at any time..I can write him a letter at any time as you did with your brother.
good thoughts & prayers
Pj