My daughter doesn't know how to go on

My daughter's friend committed suicide on Friday Oct. 16, 2009. I had no idea she was even seeing this man. She said that they were only friends, but in her heart she was deeply in love with this young man. He set his mind to dying to join his sister and mother in death. He made claims of finding utopia in Heaven and he said would be able to be a better person in Heaven than here on Earth. She told me that he mentioned suicide often and she tried to help him, but he had made up his mind and there was no stopping him. They spoke on the telephone for six hours at a time. They played games together on the computer. They emailed and instant messaged each other all day long. Now she is left alone. He decided that Friday was a good day to die. He did not inform her of his decision. A bullet took his life and now his family is devastated and my daughter will not eat, drink or sleep. How do I help her find her way back to normalcy? How do I convince her that she must go on living? She was in constant contact with this young man. How does she fill that void? How do I show her that there is life after such a terrible waste of life? Most of all, how can she honor his life and their friendship when he decided to throw it all away and take his own life? Please help me help my daughter.

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Permalink Reply by SUE on October 22, 2009 at 11:59am

At a loss,
I replied to many of these questions in my post. Im sorry I didnt see yours until I was done.
I hope it helps
Sue

Permalink Reply by Pj on October 29, 2009 at 1:26pm

wow, that is alot. I know many people have trouble, as I have had also in thinking its alright to 'honor' a life that someone threw away as you said in your last line. I feel that this young man needed alot of help, especially professional help and obviously he didn't receive that.
It is o.k. though, for your daughter to honor him and the friendship they had, although it may take her much time to get there.
Individuals who take their lives feel so hopeless and alone they cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I knew of an easy way to stop people from taking that final step.
After someone you loved or cared for deeply is gone in this way each day you open your eyes (if you can sleep) and you still cannot beleive it is real, that ''it'' really happened.
The process of healing and trying to make sense of it all is a long one but with gentle help and love, most of all professional counseling (no I'm not a counselor) there can be a time when thoughts and feelings are put into perspective so the person still living can go on and do just that...live. When people we love and care about take their own lives they are not thinking of the damage and pain they will leave behind.

The honoring part is where your daughter can focus on whatever positives they had, what she saw in him that drew her to him, times shared. All lives should be honored especially our fallen angels.
I lost my own Father this way when I was 15 and my oldest son took his life at 27.
I won't lie and say there is an easy way...but counselors can give you tools to deal with emotions and feelings.
I'm new here, so thanks for listening.
Pj

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 29, 2009 at 8:40pm

Pj
That is some very good advice. I am sorry for your losses as well. To lose 1 like this is bad enough but 2 ...unreal. I remember there being some concern, questions asked, if I was also succeptable to thoughts of suicide like my brother. Not the case for me, but at the time I was taken aback by that. Its occurred to me after reading your reply that the reasons for those questions may be linked to something more like genetics or something related. Anyway didnt mean to hijack this thread. Welcome P
At a loss,
I hope your daughter is doing a bit better
Sue

Permalink Reply by At a loss on October 29, 2009 at 9:40pm

PJ,

Thanks for your comments. I am so very sorry that you have had to deal with losing two such close family members to suicide. It must have taken more than a bit of courage to even look at this site. I am honored that you responded to my post. As a survivor of two suicides, I welcome your advice in dealing with this tragedy.

Sue (another member of this site) has also had two deaths to deal with also (not both suicide, but any death is horrible to face) and she has been an absolute angel to help me with my daughter. I see that she has already posted a response to you. She is a wonderful and caring person. Sue helped me find a place where my daughter can make a memorial to Bobby and that started my daughter on her first steps to recovery. I cannot thank Sue enough for her kindness to a total stranger and her responses to me. We are both here for you PJ and we will respond and we will also be glad of any helpful advice that you can give us.

As for my daughter, I have begged and pleaded with her to see our family doctor who can help her find a suicide survivors group. But she is determined that she must face this alone...just as Bobby faced his death alone. Her heart is broken. After three days we got her to drink a little water and after eight days we got her to eat a few bites. At least that is a few steps towards life and the living.

At the funeral and wake, she was a rock and tried to help everyone else with their grief, but inside she was falling apart. The family just kept asking why and she just kept saying that his therapy wasn't working and he just wanted to be with his mother and sister again. He had made up a Utopia (in his mind) that he would be granted eternal life with his sister(died last year in October ...car wreck) and mother (died this past January of Lung Cancer) and that God (or the image of God in his mind) would be pleased that he had come early to Heaven.

My daughter had not told me that Bobby was already seeing a counselor and was in group therapy as well. Obviously, whatever medication that they had him on was not working for him. (My firm belief is that if a medication is not working, it is up to the patient to notify the doctor, not for a doctor to guess and call the patient every few minutes to see if the medicine is working). My poor daughter tried to help him, but it didn't work. Now, she sees no reason to finish college, eat, drink, laugh or live.

I am sorry that I did not get to meet this young man. Only 24 and his life is gone. I still cannot get over the fact that they were talking on the phone for six hours at a time and emailing and instant messaging all day and texting each other every few minutes, but this young man didn't tell her that he was ready to actually kill himself. He did not call or tell anyone. He left a note on his computer and pulled the trigger. But she doesn't see that betrayal. Bobby betrayed her an she cannot see it! All she sees is that he is gone and hopes that he is finally happy and rejoined with his mother and sister.

I have found out a lot about Bobby since his death and he seemed like a nice person. He had to quit his job to take care of his grandparents who are unable to care for themselves. He fed them, made sure that they took their medications, and cleaned their house every day. That is a lot of hard work for a 24 year old man to take on himself. At his funeral, his grandmother asked if it was her (taking care of her daily) that caused Bobby to take his life. My daughter broke down in tears and told her that she was not the reason that her grandson had taken his own life. Bobby's father was in tears and inconsolable. His friends were at a loss as to how to answer anyone's questions. My daughter tried to explain Bobby's point of view, but I don't think that anyone else could understand it. I am with them, I just don't understand how a 24 year old man could feel so sad. I know in my heart that if he had only told his doctor that he needed

Permalink Reply by At a loss on October 29, 2009 at 10:00pm

more help, that he might still be with us today.

My daughter has finally realized that Bobby is gone and there is no taking it back. She is at a loss on how to fill that 6 to 8 hour void in her life. Bobby's friends have started calling her and they get together just to be together. I think that will help all of them a little bit. Misery loves company I do believe they say. As his closest friends, they still cannot believe that Bobby is gone. All of them said that they would have come to him at any time of the day or night to help him, but he didn't want their help. I think that is finally seeping into their thoughts. At least they are together.

My husband and I have tried talking to her for several hours about the way we have lost loved ones, but she only proclaims "we don't understand" and "we are only trying to turn her against Bobby! She is now starting to feel anger. I told her that I can take her anger but she is not to take her anger out on her siblings. Anger, I do believe that is the next step towards recovery.

PJ and Sue,

I cannot thank you enough for responding to me. Having a stranger's point of view on the matter can be very enlightening. Please keep the messages coming. You are helping more than you know. Thank you for your kindness and thank you for taking the time to help a total stranger.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 30, 2009 at 10:29am

At A loss,
Thankyou very much for your kind words. I am glad to hear your daughter is eating a little now. Its very good that she is spending time with Bobbys friends. Yes misery does love company as they say. Kinda what brings us all together here, I mean who else could really understand but those who are affected by this kind of loss.
I have to say also that I do not believe Bobby betrayed your daughter. I can see why you would feel that way, but in his case I believe he tried to hold on to life for as long as he could, perhaps hoping loving your daughter would be enough to keep him going. Sadly not the case. He really was already gone. The loss and depression just too much to bare. I am kinda relieved to hear he thought he would be going to a better place. Utopia/heaven whatever. Ill never know if Steve thought he was leaving for a better place or if he just wanted to kill the pain.
Suicide for sure kills their pain. Bobby, Steve and countless others were in immeasurable pain. Which unfortunately creates a whole world of pain for the rest of us. They say anger is a step suicide survivors go thru. Angry at the person for doing this. For some that is very true.

I have been angry at my brother countless times in my life, we had gone without speaking for a year at a time in some cases, man he could infuriate me. I have never been angry with him about this. I have been hurt and reduced to mush, but I cant be angry with him. I know he was angrier with himself. What am I going to feel compared to that? He suffered enough.
Bobby was an exceptional man by all accounts. I know of no other 24 year olds who would "clean" and take care of old people. Seriously, who does that ? lol Anyway, I know this is very tough for you to watch your daughter grieve. It was very hard for my husband too. He probably was very angry with my brother for putting me thru this. I understand why your daughter doesnt see it and I understand why you think you do.
Very good of you to go to a funeral for someone you never met. Your daughter will never forget your support of her during this time. Never. You are very good parents and your daughter is lucky to have you.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Pj on November 2, 2009 at 10:46am

SUE said: