Dear Del: We just lost our youngest son, Michael (who is 28) two weeks ago. We know the pain - just getting away after the funeral I felt as though I was abandoning him. Yesterday was ok, the day before was horrible. We have no idea why your son - who was the life of each member of our family - would do this. He was recently being treated for depression and was suppose to go for medical tests on other symptoms. His doctor told us he never saw this coming. We are so lost I don't know how to find a way back, every morning I wake up with this tight, pain where my heart should be, it's a nightmare everyday. I know Michael had to just be hurting so badly himself that his choice was not a choice - it just happened to stop the pain. Our neighbor's son took his life three years ago and left 5 children. They are helping us too. No one understands, I hope you can find comfort here sharing with others.
Im so sorry. I am a mom too but can only imagine the loss of a child. What I can tell you is that it will get easier. I know that seems impossible right now but you can survive this, I promise. Have you seen a doctor or therapist? I read everything I could get my hands on. I talked and talked and wrote and did everything I could think of to get my head around it. Being with other survivors was instrumental for me. I saw a doctor for the things I could not control like constant crying and I was lucky to have a great husband who never critized that I hadnt showered or was in the same clothes as the day before. I was lucky. Anger is an emotion that many survivors feel. It has never been mine but we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way. Please read over other posts here and you will see you are not alone in this. I have been off and on suicide survivor forums 8 years now, Ive come along way....yet I still am deeply affected. I am here to listen and if I can help you in anyway...please let me know. You need to talk about this, it really does help. This is a safe place and I hope you come bck as often as you need. In the mean time its one day at a time , just breathe, be gentle with yourself. It may sound silly but honestly give yourself permission to take care of you.
Del: I know only a couple of things; from what Michael's sister and brother found in his apartment there was absolutely no sign he meant to do this - he had plans and was making plans for a future. We will never know what happened that night that pushed him to do this, and the other thing I know is Michael hated to see anything - animal or person, and especially his family suffer at all. His grandmother, my mom, just passed away in August from a long illness and we were all with her, but Michael was so upset because she suffered at all and because grandpa was so broken hearted - I know our son would not consciously have caused us to feel this pain, it would not be in him to do that. I believe he was not in his right mind and something snapped. There was no note except several calls to his friend (who did not/would not/or are lying) and a text on his phone "I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever". My faith has been shaken to its roots, I can't even imagine Michael ok though I beg him every day to show me that he is ok and in heaven now. I soon found out who were Michael's real friends at the funeral service. Our older children I know are suffering but they are doing all they can to hold their father and me in love and support. They have done so much we couldnt do. I was able to see Michael's body and I told him, this evil took your body, but it did not take you. I believe that. I just keep whispering the name of Jesus every time my mind tries to replay what might have happened or where his body is now.
My email is firstname.lastname@example.org - anytime you are welcome. And anyone who needs to talk. I know I do and I am afraid others will get tired of hearing me say the same things and talk about the same stuff all over again.