Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Dianne on July 11, 2010 at 11:31pm

Hi, Jessie. My name is Dianne. I am so, so sorry to hear about what happened to your uncle. Please know that nothing is wrong with you. Your body is going through the grieving stages of death. Your body is almost like in a shock situation at the present. You may feel fine one day and the next day or minute you feel angry or sad or just proably want to cuss everybody out and tell them off. It's okay. Just make sure you take care of yourself and have people that you can talk to. We do not understand why people do the things they do, but it is not your fault. You do not know and maybe you do or others may know (you don't know right now) what your uncle may have been dealing with in his past. Sometimes people do not tell us what is going on in their hearts or minds. My father committed suicide when I was 15 years old. He took a gun and shot himself in my presence. And my guilt that I carried for over 40 years was "Why didn't I stop him." "Why did I not knock on the backyard window and stop him." But it was not my call. It was not for me to stop him. He was a severe alcoholic and I was 15. I carried that guilt until my relationship with God was more stable and I could understand death more on a stable level. We will never understand everything about death and why people do what they do, but one thing we must do for ourself is to take care of ourself. If you need to cry, then you cry, it's normal. If you need to vent then do it in a respectful way. When my mother died next, I carried more guilt. I felt like it was my fault and I was in my 40's. But because of my relationship with God and talking to Him that's what made me realize I could not stay in a guilt-ridden stage like I had for five years. Once I let go and let God heal me, the healing process began. Before that, I cried every morning and night for five years. I ran to my mother's grave every weekend and by the time I left the graveyard my spirit was so drained and I was tired. It was not until I realized that life is not suppose to be like this. I am not suppose to be feeling this way. So I told myself and God that it was going to be the last time I would keep running to my mother's grave site every weekend. I had to leave my mother at the gravesite and move on with life. Our relatives who have gone on their spirits have moved on and it is just their empty shell in the grave. So keep the faith and I will chat with you later.

Permalink Reply by Jessie on July 17, 2010 at 1:57pm

Thank you. It is nice to know that I am not going crazy. I do feel guilty though. My family tells me that is ws not my fault, but I feel it is. I tried so hard to help him in anything that I could, even if it was just talking. He was very old fashioned and didnt even own a phone, but when he was feeling down he would call me, BUT this time he didnt. I moved out of town, only about 15 min away, and I didnt see him for about 3 months. We used to talk 2 or 3 times a week, but when i moved we didnt for some reason. That was a reason that my husband and I went to go have dinner with him, because we had not seen him in a while. If i had been more proactive in staying close... I just got so caught up in going to school and working. I thought that the funeral would bring closure, but I feel worse sometimes. I miss him so much i want to cry, but than I am so mad at him. I was told to think of all the happy times we had (and there were many), but when i do I get mad at him, I feel that he gave up, he left me. He has 5 other brother and sisters (one sister is my mother), and out of all the nieces and nephews, my sister and I were the closest to him. He was active in our lives when we were kids, and he even flew on an airplane for the first time to see my sisters two kids. He was the first to help anyone out, but he didnt reach out to any of us, he would tell me everything, especially if he was feeling sad, but I got nothing this time... I feel that it is my fault, and it wont go away. thank you for replying and thank you for giving me someone to talk to. I cant talk to my family, no one wants to talk about it. I almost feel that now that his funeral is over no one wants to talk about any of it. My husband has been a great blessing and has been there for me from the beginning. He doesnt understand how i feel, I cant tell him how i feel, I dont even understand it. thank you. I hope to talk to you again soon. Thank you again.

Dianne said:

Hi, Jessie. My name is Dianne. I am so, so sorry to hear about what happened to your uncle. Please know that nothing is wrong with you. Your body is going through the grieving stages of death. Your body is almost like in a shock situation at the present. You may feel fine one day and the next day or minute you feel angry or sad or just proably want to cuss everybody out and tell them off. It's okay. Just make sure you take care of yourself and have people that you can talk to. We do not understand why people do the things they do, but it is not your fault. You do not know and maybe you do or others may know (you don't know right now) what your uncle may have been dealing with in his past. Sometimes people do not tell us what is going on in their hearts or minds. My father committed suicide when I was 15 years old. He took a gun and shot himself in my presence. And my guilt that I carried for over 40 years was "Why didn't I stop him." "Why did I not knock on the backyard window and stop him." But it was not my call. It was not for me to stop him. He was a severe alcoholic and I was 15. I carried that guilt until my relationship with God was more stable and I could understand death more on a stable level. We will never understand everything about death and why people do what they do, but one thing we must do for ourself is to take care of ourself. If you need to cry, then you cry, it's normal. If you need to vent then do it in a respectful way. When my mother died next, I carried more guilt. I felt like it was my fault and I was in my 40's. But because of my relationship with God and talking to Him that's what made me realize I could not stay in a guilt-ridden stage like I had for five years. Once I let go and let God heal me, the healing process began. Before that, I cried every morning and night for five years. I ran to my mother's grave every weekend and by the time I left the graveyard my spirit was so drained and I was tired. It was not until I realized that life is not suppose to be like this. I am not suppose to be feeling this way. So I told myself and God that it was going to be the last time I would keep running to my mother's grave site every weekend. I had to leave my mother at the gravesite and move on with life. Our relatives who have gone on their spirits have moved on and it is just their empty shell in the grave. So keep the faith and I will chat with you later.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on July 20, 2010 at 3:32pm

Jessie,
Your emotions are normal. I know your trying to be strong but you can't hold everything inside. That will make it worse. Honey, if you feeling like crying then crying. cry all you want and need to. Talk to your friends and family about him. Talk about all the good time and the bad times.You have lost your best friend. If there is any time you can get away, go to cemetery and talk to him. He can hear you.Tell how much you love him. Tell him how mad you are at him. I'm not sure where you live but there are groups you can go to and talk with other suicide survivors.And most of all ask god to give you the strenght to get thru this. I'm not a suicide survivor but my daughter is. Two weeks ago she broke up with her boy friend of eight months because he wouldn't get a job. So later that day he call and ask her if she was going to take him back. She said when you get a job,we will talk about it . Then he said "this is all your fault ,five,four,three,two,one,bang". She drove to his house and could see him thru the curtains. He was sitting in a chair with a hole in his head. She is going thur the same emotions you are, crying all the time, then madder then heck that he left her. So Jessie take care of you heath, and talk to your uncle he's looking down on you.
Take care,
Vicki

Permalink Reply by SUE on July 22, 2010 at 1:47am

Jessie,
Im sorry for the tragic loss of your uncle. It is not your fault that you were too late, its not your fault you never suspected, its not your fault that your beloved uncle lost his very private battle with depression. We cant change it but we can survive..you do it one minute, one hour, one breath at a time. Some of us get professional help, some join groups such a this, and others get by on the love and support of family and friends. Ive made it this far from all of the above. Many also lean on their faith like Diane mentioned. We all grieve in our own way, there is no time limit for getting over it..Im not sure we ever do, we just somehow get thru it. Im sorry you have reason to be here Jessie, but Im really glad you found us. This is a safe place. Keep talking it helps, you are not alone here, and we do get it, all of it good and bad ok. Deep breathes Jess, its a journey.... go slow, baby steps and above all else be gentle with you right now. May sound silly, but oh so important.

((hugs))
Sue

Permalink Reply by lianne on August 1, 2010 at 10:54pm

no one has a right to be mad at you love this is a big thing in your life that you are not going to just get over and it is ok to feel the way you do. i lost my son 22 , 5 months ago. i am the person who found my son my only son. darling you will feel ok and be strong for you not everyone else as you feel things differently to others. its ok to feel mad angry and cry and hurt they are all normal emotions. darl if you did not do what you did he may have been there longer. i look at finding my son as a good thing (even though i am dying inside) i think at least a stranger did not find him. you will be ok. drinking is only going to surpress your emotions further inside i am not for one minute saying dont but dont do it too much. you are a good person be proud of you and just be you. no matter what country we live in the police have to tell us how they die not a good job for them either. i know this as i am a pallative care nurse and i look after the dying. find some peace honey put things into prespective for you not anyone else. talking on here may help u ....stay safe and smile with the beautiful memories that you have as they are yours and no one elses

Permalink Reply by Jessie on August 1, 2010 at 11:38pm

Thank you all. I feel that finding this web site (which I got off of the flier at the funeral) is a blessing. In 2 days it will be a month. It doesn't feel like it has been that long, it feels like it was yesterday. I find that my anger to him is becoming more dominant, and that scares me. I am thankful for everyone that I have met here, and even though I may not know you personally, I am thankful and consider you friends. I wish that things were under better times, but I am thankful. My heart hurts, my mind confused. People who don't understand say time heals, but they don't. Thank you to friends, and being able to talk to someone. I am sorry for the delay in reply, but I will be on more often. <3

Permalink Reply by lianne on August 1, 2010 at 11:55pm

its ok to be so angry that is because you dont have the answers as to +why+ none of us do really even if we think back we might know some. honestly love be ok. it hurts and that is so ok as well and no you are right love only those in this situation sort of know how you feel. your welcome love to talk any time new friends with things so tragic in common are a blessing it makes you feel not so alone....big smiles from me lianne and a hug there always a good things

Permalink Reply by Jessie on August 6, 2010 at 12:37am

I find myself drinking a lot. I don't like beer, but I find I cant get enough of it. I needed a drink one night and a close friend suggested I try this sparkling wine, before my husband could say anything I finished off the whole bottle, by myself. I bought a bottle of liquor and within 2 days it was gone. My drinking has doubled within the last month. In all honesty I have to admit, in order to try and stop my mind, I have tried "smoking". Because of my job I shouldn't, but for some reason it is the only way I can shut off my brain long enough to go to sleep. I think I am going to go see a doctor. I cant take these feelings anymore!

Permalink Reply by Donna L on August 31, 2010 at 1:17pm

Hi, Jessie: I'm Donna and I lost my brother to suicide almost three years ago. I'm coming up on the third anniversary of his death, September 11th, and am dreading the day again. Give yourself time to heal, and don't be too hard on yourself. Suicide is hard to deal with, and I don't know if we ever fully recover, but we learn to move ahead. I just wanted to say that I hope you'll try to not reach out to alcohol for help. I've never been much of a drinker (maybe 6-8 beers in a year), but there is alcoholism in my family (including my brother), and in the past three years, drinking alcohol has started to appeal to me. I feel like drinking when I'm alone, and to me, this is practically the definition of being an alcoholic. I think of myself as a potential alcoholic who has never actually had a drinking problem. This all scares the heck out of me, and so I've had to decide not to drink at all since my brother's death, even in moderation in social situations. Turning to alcohol means you still have all the same problems, except you're adding an alcohol problem on top of the rest. Alcohol is a depressant--it will make your depression worse. Please go to your doctor--there are medications that can help you cope with the depression without turning to alcohol. I'm still taking an antidepressant and a sleeping pill because I can't stand to lie awake and think. There might be a suicide or grief support group in your area that could also help. God bless--

Jessie said:

I find myself drinking a lot. I don't like beer, but I find I cant get enough of it. I needed a drink one night and a close friend suggested I try this sparkling wine, before my husband could say anything I finished off the whole bottle, by myself. I bought a bottle of liquor and within 2 days it was gone. My drinking has doubled within the last month. In all honesty I have to admit, in order to try and stop my mind, I have tried "smoking". Because of my job I shouldn't, but for some reason it is the only way I can shut off my brain long enough to go to sleep. I think I am going to go see a doctor. I cant take these feelings anymore!

Permalink Reply by Kathy Erdman on August 31, 2010 at 6:23pm

Hello. My name is kathy. Its so sad, and i am sorry for your loss. People on this site if you read the posts all suffer from the same reactions and feelings, grief, anger, guilt. My exhusband recently ended his life by suicide. I still cannot believe it in many ways. It was recent about two weeks ago. We were seperated, but things never got ugly mean between us. In fact things were never right since i chose to leave. I talked to him jus weeks ago and there was no hint of problems. He had mood swings, depression and it became too hard to stay living there with my children. I didnt want to leave, but out of safety and for my kids sake i had to. We spent times together, exchange vows, could of had a child together which has caused me much pain that harldy anyone knows about. Would it be different now if that child was here ? for him ? for his family? I hold onto all of that alone and its a large emotional burden. When i heard the news, he shot himself, i became hysterical ..i was driving and literally got lost on the road, passerby people driving must of thought who is this crazy person driving. I needed the gps to get home, i got lost. Its only been about 2 weeks, for days i would look at his picture sometimes 8 times a day, i wrote things on his memorial page. He and i shared the same profession, we are nurses, we met at work. we dated, got engaged, married. These are huge events, whether it works out or not. Now that he is gone, no one wants to talk about it...and that makes me angry almost, to me its like his life is being brushed under a rug..but everycome has different ways of coping or reacting..so i dont blame anyone. he was only 44. Its all such a waste. There is nothing wrong with you. Its grief, its a loss, its huge and you will never forget this person, no matter how you were related or knew of him. Time doesnt really heal i dont think, but the business of life will make you get up every day and do tasks and things. I dont think there will be a time when anyone can say, okay im moving on now and im done with it. I dont think thats totally possible because this person existed and times were spent and memories remain. Ive also had trouble sleeping, i get up at all wierd hours, ive had at least 3 real vivid dreams, and i think this is something your mind does in the process. I also got angry, and still do. i feel guilt, should i of stayed, should i of been adamant about him getting more help, did i give up, would he still be here. I feel like alot is my fault. Im a nurse, but am in more nursing school and hearing this news literally days before final exams, i dont know how i even took the test, i half remember it even. I was going to stop going, but what would that solve. We had a speaker in school about organ donation, suddenly i got angry at him, he was a nurse, why if your gonna do this, dont you donate your organs, i became angry how could he of been so selfish. Then i get sad again...we both loved the ocean, we spent vacations in the outer banks, now i wonder if i will be able to go back, all i can think of is he will never see the ocean again and then i get so sad again, like depression sad. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Its a grieving process. Talk on here if no one will talk about it, cause im in that same position. It feels like people are forgetting him, cause its too hard and that makes me angry too. take care and dont feel funny about seeking help, dont drink or try to drown the feelings out, drinking is another depressant and you will get sicker and it wont change the pain or the event. Ive worked in a behavioral health unit in nursing. Ive seen it, people start to acquire addictions that they never had due to the pain, let it out..as much as possible. kathy

Permalink Reply by Kathy Erdman on August 31, 2010 at 6:23pm

Hello. My name is kathy. Its so sad, and i am sorry for your loss. People on this site if you read the posts all suffer from the same reactions and feelings, grief, anger, guilt. My exhusband recently ended his life by suicide. I still cannot believe it in many ways. It was recent about two weeks ago. We were seperated, but things never got ugly mean between us. In fact things were never right since i chose to leave. I talked to him jus weeks ago and there was no hint of problems. He had mood swings, depression and it became too hard to stay living there with my children. I didnt want to leave, but out of safety and for my kids sake i had to. We spent times together, exchange vows, could of had a child together which has caused me much pain that harldy anyone knows about. Would it be different now if that child was here ? for him ? for his family? I hold onto all of that alone and its a large emotional burden. When i heard the news, he shot himself, i became hysterical ..i was driving and literally got lost on the road, passerby people driving must of thought who is this crazy person driving. I needed the gps to get home, i got lost. Its only been about 2 weeks, for days i would look at his picture sometimes 8 times a day, i wrote things on his memorial page. He and i shared the same profession, we are nurses, we met at work. we dated, got engaged, married. These are huge events, whether it works out or not. Now that he is gone, no one wants to talk about it...and that makes me angry almost, to me its like his life is being brushed under a rug..but everycome has different ways of coping or reacting..so i dont blame anyone. he was only 44. Its all such a waste. There is nothing wrong with you. Its grief, its a loss, its huge and you will never forget this person, no matter how you were related or knew of him. Time doesnt really heal i dont think, but the business of life will make you get up every day and do tasks and things. I dont think there will be a time when anyone can say, okay im moving on now and im done with it. I dont think thats totally possible because this person existed and times were spent and memories remain. Ive also had trouble sleeping, i get up at all wierd hours, ive had at least 3 real vivid dreams, and i think this is something your mind does in the process. I also got angry, and still do. i feel guilt, should i of stayed, should i of been adamant about him getting more help, did i give up, would he still be here. I feel like alot is my fault. Im a nurse, but am in more nursing school and hearing this news literally days before final exams, i dont know how i even took the test, i half remember it even. I was going to stop going, but what would that solve. We had a speaker in school about organ donation, suddenly i got angry at him, he was a nurse, why if your gonna do this, dont you donate your organs, i became angry how could he of been so selfish. Then i get sad again...we both loved the ocean, we spent vacations in the outer banks, now i wonder if i will be able to go back, all i can think of is he will never see the ocean again and then i get so sad again, like depression sad. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Its a grieving process. Talk on here if no one will talk about it, cause im in that same position. It feels like people are forgetting him, cause its too hard and that makes me angry too. take care and dont feel funny about seeking help, dont drink or try to drown the feelings out, drinking is another depressant and you will get sicker and it wont change the pain or the event. Ive worked in a behavioral health unit in nursing. Ive seen it, people start to acquire addictions that they never had due to the pain, let it out..as much as possible. kathy

Permalink Reply by Sherilyn on September 14, 2010 at 12:08pm

You go ahead and vent........it's the healthy thing to do. And it's ok to be angry with your Uncle. My son has been gone almost 4 1/2 yrs. and I still get angry with him. Every time I look at his son, his wife, when I know what I go through, I get anygry with him. Then I cry....then I go out to the cemetery.....so YOU just be mad, and vent out here. We understand....

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