Hello everyone, I am confused and hope there is someone else out there experiencing the same as me, I can't be the only one...right? A little background on me. My husband(absolute best friend and soulmate) and I were together for 10 years, married almost 8 years. Actually, two months shy (to the day) of our 8 years he hung himself in the bathroom of the psych. ward he was staying in. About two hours before he committed that act he called me. I dont remember any part of the conversation except his last words...I miss you. That was over four years ago. I am confused because I dont know what to do now. I feel the first 2 years I was just "exsisting", ya know-eating, almost sleeping(or too much), working, laughing when others did. The 3rd year I decided to BE ACTIVE and LIVE. I started making choices in stead of just 'being'. I started dating a guy that year and he was so exciting, we went everywhere and did everything, I went to new places tried new experiences etc. I was living! We are still together now, I have purchased my own house, all on my own, in my name. But, now I am just 'being' again. I dont know what to do with myself. I'm not happy anymore. I feel like he's not interested in me and, sometimes I wonder if he ever really was, maybe it was me being so "GO LIVE AND BE" mode, that he got caght up in the whirlwind of craziness with me? Unfortunately, I compare our relationship and him with my beloved Joshua that left me. Josh made me feel important, that I was beautiful, special, needed, wanted and loved. He spoke these things. He acted on these things. He purposefully set aside time for us, encouraged me in activities that I loved and reminded me that I could do anything. I also did that for him (so I think). Now that I am in this current relationship, I feel that Ive gone backwards, or that I've already had a good relationship so I will never have a good one again. Or that I never really had a good relationship and I fooled myself. I tell myself and him, he doesnt 'act' on his love for me, its just words. Joshua was a touchy person, always touching my hand, the hair on my head, the small of my back, we always lay close to each other while sleeping, sat close to each other on the couch even! lol. With my current guy, we each have our 'spot' on the couch(not next to each other), sleep on seperate ends of the bed, no passionate kisses just lil pecks, no quality time together. He says he does care, and love me "more than I will ever know" and every once and a while he shows me through one act of kindness. This is dumb. Is this really how its supposed to be? Was what I experienced with my Josh, just really a dream? Can you ever find that again? I am just exsisting again and I hate it. I am confused. Anyone out there?

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Ton-nee,
Im sorry for the loss of your hubby, how sad that he lost his battle...There are definate stages of grief we go thru and to be honest we all grieve in our own way in our own time, and thats ok. I personally believe a heart has the capacity to love deeply and love grows and no one can tell it how much or who to love. I had loved a man deeply, let him go, and still have love for him well after his passing. I also love my husband too. It is normal I think to compare, but in fairness I believe we tend to view those gone with rose coloured glasses if you know what I mean. I know I do it sometimes. Perhaps this new guy isnt the right guy, maby he is the one who helped get you to a better place, just not the place you want to be now and thats ok. Doesnt make him or you a bad person, he just simply isnt home. You know now that you can live and love, and what you need and when your ready and its right, it will be...you will have love enough for both.
Sue
I appreciate your response. I never thought of it that way, maybe this has been a kind of stepping stone for me. Thank you Sue, you have such kind words.
your welcome...you have a kind heart !

Ton'ee said:
I appreciate your response. I never thought of it that way, maybe this has been a kind of stepping stone for me. Thank you Sue, you have such kind words.

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