I dont know how much longer i can hold on...

When I received the call from one of our friends telling me the news, to weak to stand I fell to my knees. I started to cry the worst type of crying there is, the silent one. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become so blurry from the tears. The one where you grab and hold your stomach so tight that you can't breathe but at the same time you want to scream louder than you ever have before. But it's the one, all you can do is open your mouth Wide. And try to push Some type of sound out...despite all ur efforts u just dont.,.

I couldn't comprehend that my whole heart and soul was gone from this world and I didn't even say goodbye or hear him say i love you one more time.. That my Jace was no longer physically on this earth , and I could no longer run into his arms and feel the warmth and comfort his touch brought to my soul. . A man who not only gave me, myself back, after an extremely physical and abusive narassistc ex, but he gave me, myself back full of life and love

He showed me I deserve love, and never to settle for anything less than the best.The man who always made sure I was smiling and felt like I was the most beautiful person every second of the day. No matter where we were or who we were with.

He was the one who showed me and made me feel for the first time what True Unconditional Love, was. That there is a difference between having sex and making love,...im 29 and had no clue there was a difference.....But love, it's the most amazing feeling in the world,

There's no words that can be used to describe how this type of pain feels, It's truly the most excruciating and debilitating pain ever. I miss my best friend, and my heart has a whole in it that only he could fill.... i miss him more than anything i ever have.. i still sometimes dont even belive its true. and keep hoping i wake up from this dream. my heart is getting heavier and heavier and getting harder to continue beating on when the reason it started beating was because of him, and now he isnt here any more, actually he doesnt even exsist anymore.

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Permalink Reply by Carol Mortarotti Mason on March 3, 2016 at 9:15pm

Melissa,

I am deeply sorry to hear this news. Unless you've been through this terrible situation you can't understand how painful it is. My ex-husband who I loved and was very close to, and the father of our son, commit suicide and I feel like my life stopped for two years. I was a walking zombie. I am sorry to tell you this but you will need to allow yourself to go through all the steps of the process so you can heal. I am lucky to have healed, forgive him as well as myself, and now I see all the love shining through. I like the saying 'turn a tragedy into a triumph' meaning do something they would be proud of. I hope this helps. My heart aches for you. You two made a beautiful couple. :(

Carol XO

Permalink Reply by Melissa Shuler on March 3, 2016 at 9:22pm

thank you....im not at a point where i am able to go through the emotions,i was just left in a state where i dont know a soul with not a dollar to my name. and have cut off all my hair and dyed it pink, and dont even remember doing so. ive cycled off all 4 of my meds, for bipolar disorder borderline personality disorder and PTSD. that having the strength of having to deal with him not being here anymore, is not possible. i barley have enough strength to continue myself.

but on top of whats going on i keep breaking down, crying uncontroably because i miss my other half i miss my whole reason for being. i need my partener, i have noone he was all i have, and now. i truly dont have anyone.

thank you, we were, people who was around us when we were together, use to just smile as they looked at us, and say that our love was so rare and gave them happinesss to see that it still could and does exsist. people that would see us interact would tell us that it gives them peace and joy being able to see our love we had for each other.

Permalink Reply by Angel Poreda on March 4, 2016 at 6:31am

Melissa, almost exactly 3 years ago the day after Valentine's Day my sister took her own life . When I got to the hospital my other sister her name is also Melissa was trying to call my name to usher me into the family room to give me the news about my little sister !! Since that day since that moment we have dedicated our life to awareness!! after all the work and dedication we have put into awareness 2 weeks ago we found out that a highschool friend someone seemingly so happy living this idea of a "perfect life " did the same thing my little sister did .. That sinking feeling of the worst pain you could imagine started to sink in .. Awareness people have to understand that their life not only belongs to them but to their family's and loved ones that they are NOT alone .. I'm so sorry for your loss , my sister was also 29 a 5 month old baby a brand new house a fiancé everything seemed right but it wasn't for her there is a stigma attached to suicide even as a write this after 3 years I still can't get used to that word .. My heart goes out to you Melissa please keep in touch with our group tell us your fun stories tell us what made you laugh the songs he loved ..

Permalink Reply by Ellen Sheehan on March 4, 2016 at 2:24pm

Melissa

Im so sorry for your loss and this is going to be a very long journey for you My husband took his life in May2014 and im only now coming to terms with it You are going to go through so many emotions that it can be sometimes hard to bare There will be anger, fear,guilt and of course unbearable sadness the kind you never in a million years thought exsited You will survive but there will be times you think you could not possibly live with the pain but believe me you will You are on a very long journey one that you didnt want to be on but alas you are The most important thing is find someone you can talk to dont supress any of your feelings or your thoughts Use this site to rant when you want to even if you get no replys get the feelings out there it will help.

I wish you well and hope you eventually come through this We are all here whenever you need support

Ellen xx

Permalink Reply by Angel Jenkins-Doyle on March 11, 2016 at 11:19pm

So very sorry,but remember that you are BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE THE BEST, I KNOW ITS HARD AND SUCKS WORSE PAIN ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO ENDURE. A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME, MINE WAS MY 27 YEAR OLD BROTHER TWO YEARS AGO AND IT STILL IS JUST AS HARD TODAY AS IT WAS THE DAY IT HAPPENED I AM SORRY AGAIN...

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