Life, Unexpected

My older brother committed suicide on Dec. 1,2005. Well the strange thing is I locked up and haven't really cried or anything. I can't let out more then a few tears then I feel terrible and light headed. I was close to him, and we fought of course but his loss screwed me up inside. I have become bitter and angry, especially with my parents and younger brother. He used his death to act out and start doing drugs and acting stupid overall. My parents don't really bring much to his attention. But to me they continuously complain about everything "wrong" I do. He gets drunk, drives home drunk and red eyed from smoking pot and nothing. I go out have a DD and try to have a good time, I get angry phone calls and get cursed out. I have always been responsible, and NEVER get cut any slack by my folks. Yet alone my brother gets in trouble a lot and doesn't clean his act up. I hate it when he says "I am trying to cope" while lighting a blunt. He took advantage of what happened and used it as a crutch to act out.

My older brother was a strong essential member of our family and his loss has us falling apart. Just rambling now about my inner anger...

I do miss my brother a lot. I can't get over this slump I am in. I haven't worked since 2006, I can't get him out of my head, and it kills me inside. I have tried medication, and talking to people. My so called ''friends'' haven't been there for me since his funeral. I have always fought depression, but this has hurt me inside. I never expected him to do what he did, and I AM ANGRY at him for doing so. I can't cope, and even through God blessed me with twin girls, I still cannot get his loss out of my head. I am beginning to lose it myself. As you can tell by my scattered post, I really have too much to say. Everyone says I talk a lot and never wants to hear me out, or at least let me vent. I can honestly say I am pissed off at my older brother, and my younger brother especially for having taking a bad situation and made stupid choices to ''vent''

I am hurting deep inside. I don't want to do anything anymore. Even my hobbies remind me of my brother and how much I wish he was here to see all this awesome new stuff. To play with my daughters and keep everyone in check. I live in Denver, CO and would like to try to talk to someone face to face. Though I am shy =3 I just need someone there who won't tell me to shut up or to get over it. Thank you everyone for hearing this poor man's thoughts.

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Permalink Reply by SUE on April 10, 2011 at 10:44pm

Eduardo,

First off Im sorry about your brother's loss. I get what your saying and I dont believe that there is a time limit on grief just different stages. Being that you seem to be stuck in one or two of them is something you might consider seeing your doctor about. When I recognized that I really couldnt stop crying and I knew that wasnt good I saw my doctor. I lost my brother in 2002. You are safe here. Keep talking it does help and you are right some people dont want to hear it or talk about it or "get it" but you can count on a survivor too. Thats why Im here. (hugs)

Sue

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on April 13, 2011 at 5:00pm

Eduardo,

God Bless you and yours, its only been four months for me and I haven't been able to come to any sort of grips with this.

Your a good writer, your not rambling...don't give up, even if you just vent here you getting it out. If I may suggest, you should see if there are any Suicide Survivor groups in your area. It took me some real researching here in Virginia Beach, I have to drive about 40 minutes to get there once a month and you can find people just like you that you can connect with or just talk to once a month.

Live your best life to honor your brother!

hugs,

heather

It is good to know your normal, there is a real peace in sitting in a room with people once a month and talking about it.

Permalink Reply by Eduardo Issac Rodriguez on April 26, 2011 at 3:19pm

Something happened to me on Easter Sunday. I finally broke down and let as much go as I could. It felt good to cry. I have been in a dark place in my heart that hasn't been able to release its grip on me. I struggled to get free and hopefully my episode has helped me begin to heal like I should have in the first place. I haven't met anyone else from my area to share my thoughts with unfortunately. I did see the extend of support from my nephew who tried his best to hold me together on Sunday. But the weight I have been carrying was too much for him also. He just tried to console me while I poured my eyes out and cried and gave details of my experience when he died. It was emotionally taxing on me and I eventually fell asleep from all the exhausting venting. I hope this begins my steps to healing... I want to keep expressing how I feel before the bottled up angst builds up until I can't deal with it. Thank you all, joining this group has given me an outlet I so desperately needed.

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on April 27, 2011 at 11:33am

Eduardo,

How appropriate that Easter bring you some relief. Bless you and yours.

I have been suffering so much too, I just ache for second chances, to live my life differently, so have know somehow that the last time I saw Brent was the last time.

Monday May 2, would have been his 35th birthday. This is the first one since he hung himself in December and I am afraid.

We are going to let some balloons go and light a candle and try to get through, but I am so weary, broke and broken hearted about this day.

Pray for me my friends.

Heather

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