Loved ones belongings

I am new to this group. My son took his own life Nov. 26, 2010.

This may sound like an odd thing to ask, but I've not been able to go through his things and disperse them or sell them, or whatever.

How long or when do most people do this? Would it help me to do it?

I've tried going through clothing, etc. and have put some in bags (which are now heaped on the floor) and I find myself hanging up clothes that I can't part with.

Am I being unrealistic?

Melanie

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Permalink Reply by Shari Soklow on October 27, 2011 at 10:14am

Dear Melanie,

I also lost a beloved son to suicide and I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beloved son!

Your feelings about how to handle the clothes situation, are normal issues we mothers have to cope with. There is absolutely no time limit. You do what you can and when you can do it.

Our beloved sons and daughters were much more than their clothes or personal items. Their living, loving memories will live in our hearts forever! Several of us bereaved mothers have gotten together and we wrote and had published a book to help all of us. The book is titled; Mothers Who Have Lost Their Children; The Mothers Book! It is our hope to bring comfort and the answer to these very questions as we all try to cope with our new normal. Please let me hear back from you, Your Friend Shari

Permalink Reply by Jared Cunningham on November 4, 2011 at 6:43pm

There have been few days since May 27th that I haven't had some piece of clothing or jewelry of my brothers on me. As you described, being swallowed up by his sweat pants and hoodies is like a constant Jason hug. I find that some of his things mean little to me and I give them away, then there are other things that would take the whole US Army to get out of my hands.

I also completely feel you on how people shy away for whatever their reasons are. My house used to be where everyone felt comfortable and at home. There were always friends and family around. Now, in just 5 months, I have to accept that I have 2 friends and my mom that I see on a regular business. I have no idea where everyone went. Depression allows me to say GOOD, F them! but really it's like losing my best friend and then all of my friends decided that it was perfect timing for them to bolt. ?? I don't know.... I just cherish the 2 friends I have and forgive those who can't deal with the loss or are uncomfortable... perhaps tired of hearing me talk about him. How can I expect anyone to know how to handle this whole life situation when I can't do so for myself? They have no idea and it's got to be better not knowing.

So I say cover yourself in a huge pile of your sons clothes and cry in the safety of his and His presence. I may just do that myself! You're not weird! And if you are weird, then rejoice in your craziness cause it's all in the name of and out of love for someone who you needn't ever apologize for. Be nuts! It helps you feel better since you know you are being nutty on purpose! WHen you think you're not crazy, that's when you worry!

God love ya. I will have the image of you in a pile of clothes on my mind for the rest of the night and I find a little smile on my face.

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on November 7, 2011 at 11:18am

Melanie, Hold on to them until your ready, it has been a year for mom and I too since we lost my brother to suicide, our SOS group leader said that you take as much time as you need too. Nothing you do is weird, be good to yourself.

My best friend is making my mom and I quilts out of my brothers clothes...we are not quite ready for that even, but are looking forward to treasuring this always.

(((hugs)))

heather

Permalink Reply by Heather J. Crawford-Strout on November 7, 2011 at 11:24am

Dearest Jared,

Cheers to you and I think I will join you both in a heep of my dearest brothers year old dirty clothes that mom and I have a death grip on...your a doll your comment to Melanie helped me too!

Here is to the crazed moments...they belong to each of us..

Take care my friends,

Heather

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 7, 2011 at 5:54pm

Only recently did I finally part with 3 pair of my son's undergarments, and that to a worthy cause, the VA domiciliary for their veterans' residential and rehabilitation center. I part with the items my other children actively want and will value in their own lives, but everything else is still firmly fixed with me. Charles has been gone six months now. I don't know how long I will need to hold his things close to me, but I am not concerned about it. I will keep them forever, if need be.

However, I know we are all different in our needs. I had a friend who needed to have everything taken away after her infant died, because she said she couldn't bear it. That was many years ago, and I recently asked her if she regretted doing it that way. She said she didn't, but now it would have been nice to have a memento or two, but she still felt it was the right thing for her at the time.

For me, I don't want to part with anything connected with him and then later regret it. These are all the things of his that I will ever have. I gave a t-shirt to his brother to give to one of their mutual friends, and then I changed my mind and took it back before he'd had a chance to give it over to him! Giving it away and not feeling ready caused my sense of loss to heighten.

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 7, 2011 at 6:01pm

@Jared - I just read your entry, Jared. Oh how I loved it!! Here's to madly sitting in heaps of clothes and savoring their essence!

Permalink Reply by Melanie on November 10, 2011 at 11:16am

Hugs, Jared! Each piece of clothing has had his essence sucked out of it by my breathing it in. And your mental picture of me sitting in a big heap of his clothes is right on! Bless you in your loss, as well.

Jared Cunningham said:

There have been few days since May 27th that I haven't had some piece of clothing or jewelry of my brothers on me. As you described, being swallowed up by his sweat pants and hoodies is like a constant Jason hug. I find that some of his things mean little to me and I give them away, then there are other things that would take the whole US Army to get out of my hands.

I also completely feel you on how people shy away for whatever their reasons are. My house used to be where everyone felt comfortable and at home. There were always friends and family around. Now, in just 5 months, I have to accept that I have 2 friends and my mom that I see on a regular business. I have no idea where everyone went. Depression allows me to say GOOD, F them! but really it's like losing my best friend and then all of my friends decided that it was perfect timing for them to bolt. ?? I don't know.... I just cherish the 2 friends I have and forgive those who can't deal with the loss or are uncomfortable... perhaps tired of hearing me talk about him. How can I expect anyone to know how to handle this whole life situation when I can't do so for myself? They have no idea and it's got to be better not knowing.

So I say cover yourself in a huge pile of your sons clothes and cry in the safety of his and His presence. I may just do that myself! You're not weird! And if you are weird, then rejoice in your craziness cause it's all in the name of and out of love for someone who you needn't ever apologize for. Be nuts! It helps you feel better since you know you are being nutty on purpose! WHen you think you're not crazy, that's when you worry!

God love ya. I will have the image of you in a pile of clothes on my mind for the rest of the night and I find a little smile on my face.

Permalink Reply by Jared Cunningham on November 10, 2011 at 8:39pm

Melanie, Theresa and Heather: How amazing that just by sharing our part of the story for this topic makes me feel closer to you than some people I see every day. I'm glad my words could help you. If any of us can be helped by each others words, then I think we are on the right track. Track to where??? I have no F'in clue! But I can't deny that Everything has turned a different way since the second I picked up that phone. My life's trajectory was changed. Like a boomerang.

With it getting colder (at least here in Ohio) it becomes perfect for wearing any of the MANY hats and toboggans (sp?) of Jay's. Not only can I smell him but also his hair gel (that I used to pick on him about) and the faint smell of smokes in the distance.

Love to you all!

Jared

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Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 11, 2011 at 1:40am

Jared, I know! I feel the same way. Thanks for sharing that photo of your brother. I love his countenance in that pic. I just last night set up a memorial foto album of pics of my son Charles here: http://apps.facebook.com/my-memorials/?ref=bookmarks&count=1&am...

Let me know if you're able to access it or not. It may only permit Fb friends to view.

Permalink Reply by Jared Cunningham on November 11, 2011 at 4:25am

It just shows my memorials when I follow the link. WE may have to be friends on the Legacy thing??? I friend requested you either way.

Would love to see a pic of Charles.... my mom calls me Charlie in nickname. Glad you liked Jay's.... my favorite one... him at his healthiest.

Jared