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Comment by Linda Osmon on December 4, 2018 at 5:22pm

Welcome Tiffany, I am so sorry for your loss. But I am happy you found your way here, where everyone knows exactly what you are feeling. I lost my partner of 24 years on Nov 3rd 2014. I want to start by saying what he did is not your fault or your families. I don't care what was going on, my partner had many things going on also. But they made a choice, and at that point in time, it is out of our hands and it is squarely in their hands their choice. Mine was addicted to opioids also, was in pain management, suffered  from depression. It was all a vicious cycle. unfortunately and I know it's hard for you right now, but you will come to realize that no matter what you did, or what you would have said to him would not have mattered. When they make that choice it is to end their pain, they aren't thinking about where that pain is going to be distributed and unfortunately we are the ones that own that pain now. It is going to be a long road, I wish I could say it won't be, and you have a precious child that needs you. i am 4 years out and what I can say is, It does get better, there will be brighter days, we have all learned that we just have to ride the waves, let things happen as they will. And just know that you will be ok...

Comment by Tiffany Sprague on December 4, 2018 at 11:10am

I lost my fiancee on Nov 7 this year. The pain I feel is absolutely unbearable. The situation surrounding his suicide I believe are my family and my fault. We have a beautiful daughter together she is only 19 months old and he adored her. He had a lot of issues but he loved her and I with everything he had. I love him more than I thought I could. Some times I can't breathe because I kiss him so much. Everyone wants me to go to counseling. I just don't want to. I keep praying to God that he will undo this. And allow me the chance to fix everything that was done. I need him so badly. I know my family kisses him and are going through their own pain but I just don't know how to go on. Everything we had planned everything we had talked about just a day before is gone. The only thing that gets me through is the belief that God will answer my prayers and one day I will wake up and he will still be alive and I have a chance to make it right. I have to keep it together for me daughter but all I want to do is stop just stop everything. Everyones world kept going but in froze the minute he pulled that trigger. Ad I know he was so scared and alone. I know he didn't want to die, I know he wanted to live and watch out daughter grow and have a life with me but he was so afraid. He had developed an opoid addiction and stole over 4000 dollars in jewelry from my mom, my dad made me call the police and told my fiancee he had to leave the house. My father was so mad and my mom so disappeared. My fiancee was so afraid of going to jail but we were trying to get court order rehab instead. But the lawyers he spoke to kept scaring him saying he would do 5-10 years. The detective also was horrible. And was so two faced trying to charge him with so much more. But my fiance was so scared of being away from us and how he lost is family. But he hadn't! Instead of turning himself in he found a gun at the house he was living at and ended it. I just need to tell him he isn't alone, it won't be bad I am going no where and will never leave him. My dad and mom even miss him terrible, they thought they were doing the right thing. I can't let him go. 6 years of speaking to him every day and I feel like I'm having withdrawals. Please God hear our prayers please.

Comment by Linda Osmon on January 4, 2018 at 9:05pm

Well it's been quite a long time since I have posted here. And i am sorry about that. For all the new survivors that are here I am so very sorry for your loss. It was 3 years on November 4, 2017 that i lost my partner of almost 25 yrs to suicide. This has been the most challenging thing i have ever dealt with in my life. I have certainly had losses in my life, relatives Ect. But suicide death was a whole other thing, something I couldn't wrap my head around, and even to this day have moments of disbelief. I think for me and maybe you as well, what made things even worse were the things that happened after his death. Just the sheer cruelty of other people, and how in an instant you absolutely learn who your true friends are. Because the people I consider myself to be very close to are no longer in my life, and I am fine with that, and the people who I considered acquaintances are now my closest friends, They dropped everything and were at my side and the others just kind of disappeared...good riddance.  Anyway I just wanted to say that after a little over 3 years out. Things are better, still have my days. They don't last as long anymore. What I have truly found is, I can look back at my relationship with him and enjoy the awesome memories with him, because there were many before it all went bad. The anger doesn't get in the way that much anymore, and believe me i was friggin so angry for along time. So if this is new to you, there is going to be a time when you see that light shine again, and it's going to be a process but give yourself a break..you never asked to be here in this place, it wasn't your fault. And that there will be better days I promise.

Comment by Tad Williams on October 27, 2017 at 9:41am

Tamika, I can definately related to feeling alone in grief. My father took his life 7 years ago. And because each of my family members had vastly different relationships with him, it was like none of them understood what i was going through. And they each had families of their own to help them, whereas I was the only one going to an empty home. I remember being hurt and angry when my best friends weren’t as supportive as i felt i needed them to be.

Prayer and living right is an important part of moving forward after tragedy. But after my father’s suicide, the greatest solace i found was in helping others. June is the hardest time for me. So every June, i spend as much time as possible volunteering with my congregation. Maybe that is something that you can do next month. Find a positive outlet during your greatest time of grief.

Even after many years, the sadness and loneliness hits me in waves. The grief will ebb and flow. And the people around you, even family may not understand. But God surely does (Psalm 56:8). At a certain point, I realized that i had to take responsibility for my own consolation. And a big part of that was finding ways to help others when I am having a hard time emotionally (Psalm 126:6). Even posting here helps, whether its venting about my grief or giving support to someone else who is grieving.

I like to think that my father would be happy that i do that. At then end of the day, we each need to find what works for us. And when one thing doesn’t help, try something else, and then something else, and then something else...you get the point.

My prayers will be with you and everyone going through difficult times.

Comment by Tamika on October 27, 2017 at 7:26am

That 10 year mark is coming at me like a freight train. I can't stop it. ive never felt more alone. My father couldn't take my brothers death and passed away 5 years ago. Not even my mother has lost a parent or sybling. I've been going pretending trying pushing. But right now I feel so alone. Not that I would want anyone to have gone through what I have but shit! Not one friend no one has felt the pain I feel. 10 years every time I think it. Like my heart shatters and I want time to stop. So long since I've seen him talked to him. This can't really be happening. And like wtf I'm going to be here forever feeling like this. 10 years since my brother took his life. Then not having my dad for the last 5. I don't even think about fairness anymore. I'm just so alone. They keep saying it'll get better. Instead it got worse and I'm even more alone. I'm praying, living right, meditating but it's like nothing is working. I can't shake it. Then the ppl who have never lost anyone close act like you should be over it. Even my mom she said he was my son it's worse. Without a thought of how she's had both her parents and all her sisters and brothers to help her. There was only me and him, and my dad is gone. I want to kick and scream and lose my freakin mind. She's all I have and I have to keep it together. Honestly I've never felt so alone. Ppl have a stigma with suicide. Already treated different. No one talks about it. My pain is silent I've been handling it well. To the best of my ability. 11-21-17 is coming. I feel it so hard. When does it get better. I can't help but know when he left he left me hurt but after my father passed due to his death. I was left alone. I'll be fine it'll get better someday 10 years but I guess I have to hold out hope. Or I have nothing.

Comment by Fallon on June 3, 2017 at 10:04pm

It's been a month since the loss of my Mother, her life was hard and far to short.
I miss her terribly and find that nearly everything makes me think of her...and memories I hadn't thought of on years are arising...even still ...i find myself feeling numb most of the time

Comment by Linda Osmon on March 14, 2017 at 6:00pm

Well I haven't checked in in awhile, by the looks of my last post quite awhile, when i was talking about the first anniversary of my partner Randy's suicide. I have passed the 2nd anniversary date which was back in November, tomorrow is his or would have been his Birthday. That also seems to be a day of high anxiety for me. The 2nd anniversary was hard, didn't seem to be much different from the first. Maybe now not so much anger, well not at him anyway. Seems like I am still dealing with the aftermath of trying to get back on my feet...and at almost 61 this isn't how I imagined anything would be. But it is and we are all left to just try and pick up the shattered pieces and move forward...I won't say move on, because I know that for most that will never happen. I want to say life is getting better, but I'm not sure that's the right word. It's challenging and some days are fine and some days it's like nothing has changed at all and it feels like yesterday...But I think for the most part the yesterday Days aren't as common and the fine days are getting to be more the norm. I think we have a choice, which no one in this world besides someone else who is living it, we have a choice to live again. I made that choice and I struggle everyday to stay focused on that. For the new members I know where you are at this moment in this awful journey, but please know, that you will be ok...much love to you all.

Comment by Tad Williams on September 27, 2016 at 11:24am

It has been 6 years since my father committed suicide. I haven't talked about it much in all this time, but I now feel the need to. I had a complicated relationship with my dad, which is true of all of my siblings. It is said that tragedy is a time for families to pull together and support each other, but I had never felt lonelier in my life than I did then. I was reading something recently about survivors and it said that we need to focus on the welfare of the living, not just the what ifs of the past. The article quoted Ecclesiastes 9:10, "All that your hand finds to do, do with your very power." I know that my father's pains and struggles are over, but I need to take care of myself and those around me. That will help me keep my will to live.

Comment by T.C. Goodwin on February 14, 2016 at 3:05pm

Sometimes it hard to see the signs...I have learned  not to be afraid to say " Are you suicidal?" - Proverbs 17:17

Comment by Ruth Kendall on January 16, 2016 at 3:12pm

I'm so sorry about your loss Linda. I agree as coping with my sister Anne's suicide has been a mixture of so many emotions. We both had the challenge of battling mental illness. My sorrow is that I am still here while she is not. I try to rationalize out the reasons but that just gets me into a place of frustration. I cannot change the past. I must go on even though she is gone. We were sisters and I will always feel her with me. It's when I need her the most that I feel her near. And when I'm struggling to rise to the challenge of whether or not to react in anger or in kindness. Then I feel her with me. She was a kind person, compassionate to everyone she met. She poured out her caregiver talents in the role of nurse to me to the point of frustration at times. For both of us I think in retrospect. And yet, there were signs of anger when I look back on the times we spent together. I didn't realize at the time just how angry she was. That makes me sad. And then, I remember the good moments because there were good moments. I am accepting that my life is forever changed by her death. Changed. Different. Not the same. That is hard.

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