It has been three years since Joel passed away and I still look upon him as my hero.  I can still see him smiling through the worst thing that could possibly have happened to him. I can still feel his  calmness, his strength and quiet resolve right up to the end of his life. I can still hear  him telling me how much he loved me over and over again  just before he died.  I realize more and more with each passing day just how lucky I was to have him in my life. He was my sanity, my stability, my strength, my courage, my sense of decency, my reason for trying to be the best that I could be.  He was my positive force in everything I did.  He made me feel beautiful,  intelligent and important. 

Without him I am lost, confused, frightened, and very mixed up. I am barely  existing. I go nowhere, see no one, and try nothing new. I am barely existing.  Funny how one person can make such a difference in one's life.  I miss you Joel and can't wait to be with you again.  Time is not going by fast  enough for me. I have given up and quit trying.