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Comment by Chris Edwin Dahl POMC MN on October 14, 2009 at 6:01pm

The Agony of Grief What is there to say about grief? Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces, only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, re-shaped, and unwittingly better for the wear. Grief means not being able to read more than two sentences at a time. It is walking into rooms with intentions that suddenly vanish. Grief is three-o'clock-in-the-morning sweats that won't stop. It is dreadful Sundays, and Mondays that are no better. It makes you look for a face in a crowd, knowing full well there is no such face to be found in that crowd. Grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind and makes room for the phantasmagoric. It makes you suddenly get up and leave a meeting in the middle, with-out saying a word. Grief makes what others think of you moot. It shears away the masks of normal life and forces brutal honesty out of your mouth before propriety can stop you. It shoves away friends. scares away so-called friends, and rewrites your address book for you. Grief makes you laugh at people who cry over spilled milk. right to their faces. It tells the world that you are untouchable at the very moment when touch is the only contact that might reach you. It makes lepers out of upstanding Citizens. Grief discriminates against no one, it kills. Maims. And cripples. It is the ashes from which the phoenix rises, and the mettle of rebirth. It returns life to the living dead. It teaches that there is nothing absolutely true, or untrue. It assures the living that we know nothing for certain. It humbles. It shrouds. It blackens. It enlightens. Grief will make a new person out of you if it doesn't kill you in the making. BY Stephanie Ericsson .......

Comment by Chris Edwin Dahl POMC MN on October 14, 2009 at 6:01pm

Finding a New Normal for Yourself............................................ In the early days, weeks, and even months after our child dies, most of family members. friends, and colleagues are very supportive of the ways we mourn the death of our child. They understand and encourage us as we weep, talk about our child, express our devastation.They understand that we are deeply sad, even depressed, have no joy in our lives, and can hardly function. But at some point, many of these same friends, family, and colleagues begin to wonder - and some will even ask - when we are going to back to NORMAL again. They want the old happy, productive, focused, fun person to return. What they don't understand is that we are now NORMAL. And if we weren't behaving and feeling as we are, we would not be NORMAL- in fact we would be ABNORMAL. When we lose a bet or a job or wreck our car or suffer a financial setback etc., the loss can hit us pretty hard. However, we don't say, "Oh well. that's life," and just move and forget about what happened. The loss lingers with us. Fortunately we find ways to deal with the losses fairly quickly. When we have a serious disease or lose our sight or arm or leg. it hits us harder.. And we certainly don't say, "Oh well, that's life," and just move on and forget what we've lost. These losses are usually life-changing. We try to find ways to deal with them, but it can take a long time, - and many times our life is drastically different than it was before. We arrive a new NORMAL, which even involve a wheelchair, nursing care, etc. We usually do not advise people who have lost their sight or a limb to "Just get over it and get on with life" or " to get back to NORMAL. Yes, it is terrible to be infirm, and it is terrible to lose a limb. But the death of our child is like moving to a whole new planet. And most of those who have not been on that "planet" don't understand this. There is nothing we can do to have our old life - from before the death of our child - back. Yes, we do move forward. And yes, we do find ways to deal with loss and to absorb it into our new life. But mourning the death of our child takes a long time - perhaps the rest of our life. In the beginning, that shock, numbness, weeping, questioning, sense of hopelessness, loss of joy, etc. are NORMAL. And at that time we are NORMAL. Not the NORMAL we were before our child died, but today's NORMAL. And over time, as the shock and numbness wear off but the reality and the pain flood in, our sense of hopelessness and loss of joy, our inability to function as we used to in work, home and life, our crying, deep sadness or depression continue and even deepen. This is NORMAL. As time goes on, we find ways to cope with our new life, ways that are helpful to us in our mourning, ways to deal with the world. Our pain and sadness remain, but we find ways to make these deep feelings part of our life rather than the forces we have to battle. And we may begin to have some hope and to find meaning and joy in life - not like we had before, but some. That is our new NORMAL at this time. And eventually, while the pain has not lessened and our sadness at the death of our child has not lessened or gone away, we have grown and strengthened to the point where we know we can live with that pain and sadness and that we can live a full life. This life will always be different than it was before the death our child. What is meaningful to us now, what brings us joy now, what is important now, is vastly different than it was. This is our new NORMAL. Dave Alexander Jamie Alexander's

Comment by Chris Edwin Dahl POMC MN on September 20, 2009 at 3:15pm

Parents Of Murdered Children Inc,
Minnesota Hope Chapter
www.pomcmn.com

Comment by Utah Chapter,Parents of Murdered Children on September 16, 2009 at 1:16pm

For those who live outside of Utah, log onto www.pomc.org for information from the National Parents of Murdered Children, Inc. . They can tell you if there is a local chapter or grief support group in your area.