Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum


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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Joan on May 26, 2010 at 11:29pm
To Kathy: I was looking for my wine opener today and I couldn't find it anywhere. I knew I had used it just the day before, but it was not in my drawer, nor did it fall between the drawers. I searched and searched and assumed I threw it out. I put on disposable gloves and searched through my garbage. Nothing there. I went to bevearement group and came home and wanted to take out the garbage. I took out the garbage I compiled from the original one and took it out. I just happened to see something of a metal piece sticking out through the plastic bag, and I pulled it out. It was the wine opener. I threw it out without even knowing that I was doing this. The moon is a full moon tonight and I had to laugh to myself that I threw it out without knowing I had done so. My grieving is out of control right now and I am vulnerable and unable to focus or think about what I'm doing during the course of the day. But there was a little bit of laughter at myself for being so absorbed in my grieving that I couldn't remember what I had done. Has anyone experienced this loss of what you're doing when you're grieving?
Comment by mischell on May 26, 2010 at 5:57pm
kathy ask your doc about melatonin.its suposed to be a natural sleep aid.i dont know. ive never tried it because i take ambien and it works great for me but my kids were put on melatonin after we lost their dad it seemsto work pretty well for them and there are different doses not to mention its inexpencive
Comment by mischell on May 26, 2010 at 5:44pm
tracy,i too lost my husband in a motorcycle accident and it happened on march 27th 2010. its hard but we have to be strong cause thats what they wanted.i know my Jerry loved life and wouldnt want me to be miserable even though most of the time i am because i cant stop thinking about trying to do what he wants me to and that is be strong.
Comment by JOANNE B on May 26, 2010 at 9:38am
Kathy Obiedzinski.....for sleep i take sleepy time at
Comment by JOANNE B on May 26, 2010 at 9:35am
T his is for kathy ask for a responce for cant sleep mine is Sleepytime tea....before mine at wal-mart.....I LOST MY PERSIOUS HUSAND year and 3 months today...lost is the perfect word for it for im lost too and have been for over a year....with holidays coming up harder yet without Don here...we were so very close....and im thankfuk for the years but so hard to deal with....Joanne
Comment by Basia on May 26, 2010 at 9:21am
Kathy, I hate the nights. I take zopiclone for sleep and it seems to do the trick. I think it wears out around 5 am because that's the time my dreams wake me up. I am always dreaming about my husband Terry and I just can't handle these dreams right now. Last night I forgot to take one and I awoke at 2 am. I couldn't get back to sleep for hours. I hope things will get a little bit better for you at night. Good luck and love and hugs. Basia
Comment by Fred Dunn on May 25, 2010 at 8:21pm
Oh how sorry I am that you lost your soulmate. I lost mine 3 years ago but I lost her at home and found her. Needless to say that even though she was almost cold I tried CPR to bring her back of course to no avail.
I still have the same sleeping problem you are having and due to many medical conditions I have I have to take Fiorinal w/codiene and Clonopin and neither help but when I add a benadryl or two (you should start with one) then at least I sleep 4-5 hours.
I have also gone from 215 pounds to 176 and it keeps going down.
My energy levels and will to do anything but lay in bed were and still are shot. Since I took care of my wife for several years before her passing to God I always had to go directly home after work and sometimes during work. Now I find myself with a condition where I don't want to leave the house at all. Luckily I have 2 border collies that Rose called our "childruns" to keep me going.
Lately I have gone on FMLA due to other issues combined with this. Quite frankly I love when I get to work but I now have a fear of leaving the house.
Weird huh?
Your loss is so recent that what you are going through is absolutely normal. Like Dotti, I too spray some of Roses perfumes and colognes on her side of the bed and her pillows and sometimes it helps. I have also put a picture (8x10) on her side of the bed on wall of her laying down looking at me.
I was not practicing my religion before she died as much as I should but I now pray for the entire time it takes me to go to work in the morning. It helps me verbalize things that don't normally come out.

God bless,
Fred Dunn
Comment by Dotti on May 25, 2010 at 6:07pm
I too was so desparate for sleep this is what I did sounds crazy but it worked I took his pillow and put the last shirt he had on on it I could smell his scent and I could hold it all night long Hope it works for you
Comment by Tracy van der Schyff on May 25, 2010 at 3:10pm
Dear Paul,
Thank you so much for reply. Strange how making contact with someone about 8,000 miles away from me - makes me feel like I'm not alone. And I know that! But at this moment what I feel & know are worlds apart.
I read "Grief Soup" and can relate to your statement: "I was blessed to experience a grief that was largely unmixed with fear, regret, resentment and anger". I have none of that. We got it SO right to live everyday as if our last - always appreciate each other - always respect - always show and express love, that when I woke up that morning and KNEW (yes) that he had died - I had no regrets! Still - I think it makes it harder not having the anger, only sadness and loss.
Gert was only 27, but when I look back at the 6 months, I know, understand and accept that it was his time to go. He tied up so many loose ends - it's surreal! We were together for 2 years, and a couple of days before he died he asked me whether I thought losing someone you love dearly after many years would hurt more than after a shorter period??!!
So as you can I am at peace with what happened to him, it's ME I don't understand.

Comment by Paul Bennett on May 25, 2010 at 2:01pm

Here you are among people who've had losses that are like yours, and no one has lost the person and the life together that you have lost. As strange as time is for you now, be assured that nine weeks is just a small part of the rest of your life, and your life will not always be like this. Grief, like love, changes if we let it. Can you find among those hundreds of friends, one or two who are able to listen to you without needing to fix anything, wise enough to know that nothing needs to be fixed? You are doing what human beings do when we lose people we love; fundamentally, what we're doing is to go right on loving.

I share thoughts about grief on my website,, and in my book, Loving Grief. But I encourage you to allow your friends to provide face-to-face companionship when you need it, and to hear what you need to express. Grief counselors in your area or a hospice organization can also point you to groups and services if that is what you find you need.

I hope you can notice that what is really going on now is that you are loving someone with heartbreaking intensity, and that that is a divine capacity of human beings.

Paul Bennett

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