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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by DJ on April 27, 2021 at 11:01am

Marsha; our thoughts are with you on this 10-year mark.  Be healthy, keep safe.

Comment by DJ on April 27, 2021 at 11:00am

Hi Mary Jane. It has indeed been quiet here; I keep an eye on this site to see how folks are doing, but like you I don't rely so heavily on it anymore.  I’m guessing that most of us stumble through the days as best we can, as the grief never goes away.  It seems you have settled in well to your new home -- so much closer to Melinda.  I'm fortunate that all three kids live in the same city as me, and they keep an eye on me as Melinda does for you.  February was the six-year mark for me; all of Jill's stuff is exactly where she left it… I know she's gone, but I talk to her throughout the day in a state of suspended animation I suppose.  I found this on the web, which is where I'm at:  “If you know someone who has lost an especially important person in their life, and you’re afraid to mention that person because you think you may make them sad by reminding them that the person died—you’re not reminding them.  They haven’t forgotten that person died.  What you’re reminding them is that you remember that person lived; and that is a great, great gift.”  I no longer choke up when her name is mentioned, in fact, I mention her regularly now – and I think the kids are following suit.

Glad you checked in, keep safe.

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 22, 2021 at 7:05pm

Hello everyone..i stopped by to see if there had been any new posts, Nope. I hope that is a GOD thing, and you;re all living happy lives.  it seems weird, this was SUCH a part of my life a year ago, but now, not so much. I hit the 5 year mark in February. .shocked that 5 years had passed. .I just stumble through the days as best I can... I apparently had been in some sort of memory loss..as I am remembering details about Bobs death, that I had either forgotten, or never really faced, like the fact he was NOT on some long road trip..but REALLY gone. We would have been married 55 years, this June. I never unpacked when I moved here almost 2 years ago..but, now I am slowly doing so. he was a "collector" of antiques and memorabilia.. i didn't know what to DO with his items, so I brought them with me..possibly to sell on Ebay..but I just cannot bring my self to do that. Hope everyone is staying safe, and healthy.

Comment by Marsha H on March 31, 2021 at 3:24am

Dear Chuck ...

I am so happy to know you have had your 2 shots and Steve is waiting for his 2nd shot.  It is wise to still be careful as you say.

I am so very sorry to hear of all the health issues going on and I can relate to Larry's daughter-in-law having pancreatic cancer.  I know it so well considering what Ernie went through with the same thing.  You have so many things to be concerned about, but I always know you are either there in spirit for those you love or right there if possible.  Bless you for that my friend.  

Thank you for the link on stages of grief and I remember them so well.  It will be 10 years April 27th that Ernie passed away.  Sometimes it feels like a short time ago and other times a long haul.  Even though I try to get on with my life as best I can with Covid, there are still days I have a cry or two.  They will always be in our hearts.

Presently, I am helping my girlfriend out who's husband Ken passed away on the same month and day as Ernie two years and and just 8 months ago her 46 year old daughter passed away.  She is trying so hard to be brave, but as we all know sometimes we just need a good cry so I hug her, listen to her or say nothing at times.  We all will get through all this sorrow.

Love ya

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on March 31, 2021 at 3:15am

Dear Sara ...  

I am so very sorry your mother is in hospital, but happy to hear at least she can have one visitor and will be out soon.  

How I understand what it feels like for you to enter the same hospital that you knew so well visiting your dear Ken was.  Ernie was at Royal Columbian Hospital for several weeks before going to Hospice.  5 months later I had to go in for female surgery right in the same area he was in.  It felt so surreal to me even though 5 of my girflfriends came with me and I was blessed to have that.  Also I had a wonderful nurse who was always there for me for support and seemed to understand the stupor I was in.  Oddly enough I became calm and it became just 'well it has to be done and so be it.'  Once home I felt better being in my home with the loving care of my family and friends,  You will get through this Sara.  We are all here so when you walk the hall to visit your mother we're there in spirit.

Love ya

Marsha

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 30, 2021 at 6:33pm

Dear Sara,

I'm sorry to hear about your mother in the hospital. I hope it is a short stay and am glad she can have visitors. Still, having to visit where you lost Ken is I know heartbreaking for you. Your strength is again tested with each visit and I will be keeping you close in my thoughts and am sending prayers for you, your other, and all your family. 

Staying well is still a challenge for us all, but on a positive note I got my second vaccination last Saturday. Steve has had his first, but the second hasn't been scheduled yet. Evan after we are both done and past the waiting period, we will still exercise cautions and wear masks until we truly feel it's "all clear", if ever.

April will bring the 6th anniversary of Larry passing, and the weeks leading up to that date during which I was hospitalized. Lots of baggage ahead, but I feel, if not prepared, then rehearsed by now. Larry's daughter-in-law is currently battling pancreatic cancer and his son is going to be heavily burdened with caring for her while still grieving his loss of  mother from Covid a year ago, as well as Larry's anniversary on the 22nd. I'm half a country away and feel useless, but in reality what could I do if there? Also, my cousin just lost her partner of 9 years and is in the fresh early grief we all know too well, so I want to be available for her if she needs a listener without judgement. Hopefully I can at least offer her my experiences and what I have learned here. I sent her the " Stages of Grief Chart" that Gretchen shared here 5 years ago since she was saying that her thoughts don't seem clear and to be following the usual "stages". I'm attaching it here for anyone who wasn't here then or doesn't remember it.

Sara, you know how to be gentle with yourself and navigate this stony portion of your path - that doesn't make it easier, but like me I think you are rehearsed, so just know we all here love you.

Stagesofgrief.jpg

Love to all,

Chuck 

 

Comment by Sara Murphy on March 30, 2021 at 5:47pm

Hi All...….checking in to see how everyone is doing.  I'm doing ok, trying to remain covid free which isn't easy.

My mother has been in and out of the hospital the past few weeks which keeps my siblings and I a little extra busy.   She's currently in again and will be there at least a few more days.  She's allowed 1 visitor/day for 2 hours so at least we get to see her.  The challenging part for me is that she's at MGH in Boston which was like a second home to me and the place where Ken died.  I was hoping to never have to step foot in that building again but now I have to suck it up and walk past all the memories.  It's been 5 years since I was last there but feels like yesterday as nothing's changed. 

That's all that's going on here.  Hope you're all doing well.

Love,

Sara

Comment by deborah peck on March 5, 2021 at 9:56am

A friend and coworker of mine just passed away from covid, she leaves behind a 19, 18, and 8 year old with nor parents as her husband passed away when the baby was 6 months old. such a terrible story and it did indeed make me realize we all have a responsibility to everyone else to help protect everyone else. so I will be getting the shot when its available again. I figure I am now 65 so if there are effects in the long run on my health well I will be old anyway. that being said I do believe you have to do what you feel is right and not listen to anyone else opinion.

Comment by Steve G. on March 5, 2021 at 7:44am

just a foot note to what Chuck said...

My arthritis doctor's office sent me a bulletin update about different medications and those that could potentially enter act with the vaccine badly... 

Long story short, he has all my medications on file, I sent an email through his portal asking this very question, his response was quick and to the point.  The day I get my shot(s); withhold my methotrexate for one week post the vaccination.

So wish is that everyone that decides to take the vaccine, please, please reach out to your doctors...they know more about drug interactions than any of us could research on our own.

Hugs and love to one and all.

Steve 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 4, 2021 at 11:44pm

Hi Sara,

Thank you for your kind words and for thinking of us - it was indeed an ordeal here in Texas, and as Steve said we were very lucky in that we only lost power for two brief periods the first night. I was still awake, and with the dire weather forecast and warnings of rolling or permanent power outages I was very anxious that night. The next morning we had power, but learned of the extensive outages and water failures throughout all of Texas. We were fortunate to be able to invite friends to ride it out here. Steve and I had to make a decision - masking indoors for the four of us seemed almost pointless, so we decided we'd leave ourselves in God's hands, as we had both been doing individually and together in so many decisions we faced since losing Larry and Mark. 

Steve has already explained  our status waiting for appointments to get vaccinated, so I will just say this. It is indeed every person's personal choice whether to get vaccinated against this deadly virus, whatever reasons one has for deciding either way. I do believe however that our decisions go far beyond our own well being and the risk to our own lives we may be taking. How would any of us feel if we became infected after exposure and then infected someone else - or many other people. Perhaps we wouldn't become ill at all, or would only have mild symptoms and a quick recovery. Would that be sufficient consolation for knowing that the lady in the store whose identity we would never know ended up in the hospital and finally left her husband grieving and searching out this very group for support and understanding? To how many people might we bring illness and pain? Don't we all know enough about loss and grief to want to do anything we possibly can to spare other's from having to share our sad experience unnecessarily?

My point is simple - our decision isn't just about us - and just like the moment when Steve and I agreed that taking in our friends in an emergency was more important than our fear of the virus, so too is our desire to think of the health and lives of others in making our decision to vaccinate, and leave ourselves once more in God's hands regarding the outcome.

I send a hug and my love to everyone here, along with my sincere hope that you all stay well and find peace and maybe even a little joy in your days every now and then.

Love, Chuck  

 

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