lesbian partner loss

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Comment by Janet Angelone on February 13, 2016 at 9:08am

Kirsten, glad to know you had a somewhat better week. I think the idea of a dog is really good. I considered getting one myself but, nixed the idea because I was Judy's caretaker for about 9 months. From the time she began to really feel sick, finally getting a diagnosis in May and up to her passing in October. I just felt like I did not want the responsibility of taking care of anything except me for awhile. Hopefully, you two will bond very well. And kudos on the meal train. That is also a really problematic area for me. 

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 13, 2016 at 8:56am

I'm sorry I haven't responded back this week. So much going on. So many emotions. I've been crying less this week which has made me feel really weird. It's shifted sometimes to just feeling physically sick - Monday I actually had to throw up a bit because the realization that Wen is really gone and that the magic we had is gone forever just punches me so hard in the stomach. On top of that, this week the aloneness and loneliness has really been getting to me. I do turn on the TV to hear voices, even if I'm not really watching anything. I also try to have phone conversations as often as possible - with my two sons (21,23) and friends. Starting next week, a colleague of Wen's is starting a meal train. It made me feel really weird to receive this and my first reaction was to reject it. But Rebecca said that she understands my mixed feelings around that and that people are really looking for a way to support me by actually doing something. It's so hard for them to know what to do and this feels good to them. So, I accepted. I did ask if people could actually stay with me and have dinner with me when they bring me food. (I haven't been able to cook ever since Wen passed because we ALWAYS did that together).

On top of that, call me crazy. Monday evening I started looking at shelter/rescue dogs on the internet. After talking with my sons, colleagues, my therapist and everyone telling me that they think it would be great for me to have a dog to help me with my grief, I put in the adoption application for this sweet, 7-9 year girl pup, mediums-size. A day later the adoption counselor from Big Fluffy Dog Rescue calls me back; I have my phone interview. Half an hour later I get the adoption contract, pay the fee, and tomorrow around 10.30am I'm picking up Delanie in CT. All day I've been kind of walking around in shock and very anxious that this is actually happening. And so fast. But everyone assures me having a dog, especially one who needs so much love like one rescued from a kill shelter, will be good for me.

At some point, I'll share with you Wen's and my story...

Comment by Janet Angelone on February 12, 2016 at 8:19pm

So, I am a little bit concerned that Kirsten hasn't been back in a while! 

Has anyone confronted the aloneness issue? By that, I mean, did you continue to live alone and manage to get along or did you make a decision to have someone room with you? I really can't stand the quietness of the house and no people (no Judy)! Sometimes I turn on the TV just to have noise in the house. I have a single gay brother and we have discussed joining forces either in my house or another house altogether. Any suggestions?

Comment by Janet Angelone on February 7, 2016 at 1:58pm

Kirsten, You have been on my mind all day to day. I know the pain you are feeling. I too, had to tell Judy it was time for her to go. I did this as I was taking her wedding band off and telling her that I loved her to the moon and back. Just as I told her it was time for her to go, she took her last breath. I was alone with her at the time. I'm returning the hugs you passed along to me the other day. I hope you can feel them wrap around you today and every Sunday whenever you need them! 

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 7, 2016 at 11:41am

Today marks 7 weeks since Wen was ripped from me…1.07pm. 7 weeks ago these were the last 30 minutes of her life, me lying next to her, holding her, assuring her that it would be okay for her to go into the light, to find peace and solace. That she would never be alone because a part of each person who loves her would be with her, forever, wherever she would go. A piece of her being in each of our hearts, multiplying her - not one Wen, but many. Those were my words to ease her passing into another realm. In those moments, holding her in my arms as she took her last breaths, I didn't think about me, just her, trying to relieve her of the guilt she might have felt as she had to leave us. But now I wonder if I will ever find peace and solace again until the day I can finally re-join with her wherever she is. I just want to be with her so badly, miss her more and more, every second every minute of every day and night.

Comment by Care Johnson on February 6, 2016 at 12:17pm

Hi, Kirsten, I'd say "welcome" but in reality none of us ever wanted to be in this position. I've read the thread going on here of feeling so lost...that the "me" is not the real me...that there is the horrible feeling of something devastatingly wrong. My take on this is yes, I felt that way, too...for years! I kept saying "half of ME is gone" and that's exactly the way it felt. My better half was no longer finishing my sentences and reliving those memories we shared. Around friends, I felt awkward and constantly unsure of my own footing. But this, too, unfortunately, is normal. It's not easy to go through. It's not easy to find the solution to. I finally had to make a decision: did I want to live or die? I chose living and now feel more whole than I did after my BJ's passing. We had 35 beautiful years together, but I would have taken another 35, too! I'd say it took about 4 years for me to feel somewhat whole again.

Blessings to you all. Just take each moment and realize that you need to grieve and accept those tears with love.

Comment by Janet Angelone on February 5, 2016 at 8:00pm

Kirsten, Well put. The person everyone sees, thinks I am getting along well. Little do they know what I do when I am alone! Thanks for the hugs across the miles! Just know that you are not alone. 

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 5, 2016 at 7:20pm

Hugs to you, Janet, on this difficult day. Every Sunday is so difficult for me now because it marks another week of being without Wen.

I know that I am not and never will be the same person again that I was with Wen.

It’s not just that my heart is broken. My soul is torn in half and so is my body. The ‘me’ that I was with and through Wen is no longer. The ‘me’ that people see now is only a performance that hides the devastation zone of my inner self.

Comment by Janet Angelone on February 5, 2016 at 6:40pm

Kirsten, All of us here know the feeling. Today will be 4 months that my Judy passed. I find it extremely difficult to manage to go on, but somehow I do. And like you, there is really no place I'd rather be than with her. It got so bad for me that I did like nor know the person I am right now. I finally signed up for counseling and joined this forum. Some resemblance of who I was before Judy passed is emerging, ever so slowly. Still, I can't imagine that I will ever be the happy, easy going person I was before. And there is an internal, nagging sadness that just won't go away!

Comment by Kirsten Helmer on February 5, 2016 at 1:15pm

Hello. I just joined and this group. My soulmate and love of my life, Wendy, passed on December 20, 2015, only three weeks after having been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. You can see her in my profile photo with her head on my shoulder. The only thing that keeps me alive right now are our two boys (21, 23) and knowing that they still need me right now. But I really just want to be with her... I miss her so terribly and feel like my soul and body have been torn in half.


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