Thanks for reaching out Anita.  I'm sorry for your loss and the suffering you and your husband went through.  It's so hard to watch them deteriorate before your eyes.  My once very strong husband needed help standing at the end.  He needed help with a lot of things and there is nothing I wouldn't do to help him.  I say this because from what I hear from others, not everyone would do what I did which I find impossible to believe.  How could you not??  I too sleep with something of Ken's, it's his N.E. Dragway fleece jacket because he was a race car driver in his healthy days.  I know at some point I need to move forward but I'm not ready now.  It's just been 2 months.  I'm a long way from disposing of his things.  I haven't even thrown away his toothbrush.  I'm supposed to believe it will get better (different) in time but I don't see that happening.  In some ways I feel it would be a betrayal of our love if I didn't grieve for him everyday.  He would say he loved me with every cell of his being.  I do know that he would want me to be happy.  Maybe in time that will happen.

I too am always here to listen to you or any other group member if you ever need to talk or vent.

Take care of yourself.

Sara

Anita:  My husband went into the hospital on December 18th for a scheduled hernia repair and died five days later from massive pulmonary embolism.  It was completely unexpected...we tried to move him to another hospital that could help him once they found out he had the embolism but it was too late....he went into cardiac arrest the first time in the ambulance on our way over to the other hospital.  I need to talk about it but it literally makes me sick - he died two days before Christmas...the kids were all home thank goodness because of the holiday.  I still can't believe it....then one week after he died I had to have a small surgical procedure to remove a suspicious cyst from my breast - I was a mess!  three years ago my brother in law died suddenly from a massive heart attack at hunting camp and JOe told me at that time if something ever happened to him he wanted me to sell the house right away because he knew it would turn into a huge hassle for me....our kids are all grown and out of the house - well, the youngest moved back home with me to help me out.  I keep wondering if it would have been "easier" for a lack of a better word if he was diagnosed with something terminal - I feel like I would have had more time with him and done things differently - but than watching him go through that would have been very difficult I'm sure.  I guess there is no good way.  He was a second marriage for me and well as I was for him - we were married almost 17 years.  I've always taken things in stride but with this loss I've become a different person - I stress about everything...I'm literally a mess.  I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to change but I can't do anything about it.

Thank you so much for adding me as a friend.  It still feels like yesterday to me - I've stopped myself from crying myself to sleep every night - I don't know I just feel like that is not what Joe would want me doing but most nights I want too.  I just want those five days back from the day of his surgery to the day he died....I want every single second back with him.  I know it's not possible but I would pay anything for that - even if the outcome was the same I just want all that time back.  I'm putting my house on the market - I know it seems quick but I just can't be there without him....it's so painful.  Maybe a new comforter would help me too - I use this mink blanket that has deer on it that I bought him for his birthday many years ago - he loved the blanket but I just can't seem to sleep with it.