Hello Brenda, My name is Ronda & I was just looking around at every ones blog & I noticed your from San Jacinto??  I first want to give you my condolences & tell u I'm sorry for your loss, I also have lost a son name Sean.... We lived in San Jacinto for 8 yrs then moved to Apple Valley when Sean my son was in the 7th grade he paseed at age 25....have u lived in San Jacinto for long?? Would love to hear from you, anytime you need to talk I'm hear...would love to know more about your son.....  please write me if u can.  Hugs to u. God Bless You, Ronda

Brenda - If you Michael was like my Ryan then you understand how deafening the silence is. I miss his booming voice and the laughter so much. He was my buddy. I'm a night owl and so was he. So many nights he'd come up from his bedroom at midnight and ask if I'd want to watch a movie with him. Thank God I did. Thank God I listed to his funny impersonations and all those tales he could weave. Even though he is not physically with me, I have those memories which may be painful but I would not trade them. It's not surprising that you are just going through the functions of a day and ending it with crying. It seems to be the rule of thumb in how we get from one day to another. This may sound silly but I have a trash can next to my bed filled with the tissues after all the cries and I cannot bring myself to empty it. Yes, it's running over now but that seems to be something I look at as a battle scar. Weird things we do in the process! If I told this to anyone other than a bereaved parent they would think I am crazy. I suppose they are right...if losing your child doesn't make you lose your mind then I don't know what would. Have you found any thing that helps you get through your days? Get all the rest you can. If you feel like going to bed don't think of it as being weak - it is your body, not you, that is weak and needs the rest. Grief is so very hard on energy. It can just wear me so thin. On the other side I am still finding it so hard to get into bed. I just don't want to lay my head down and think. After four years I am still on sleeping meds and I have to take them before I climb into bed. When it gets to the point that I am so groggy, I will finally concede and go into bed. My husband doesn't understand it but then neither do I. I hope you get some peace though I know that is hard to find. I will forever think of Michael as being like my Ryan. Thank you for sharing that. God bless.

Diane

Hello Brenda:
Sorry I haven't been to this site for a while. Getting through the holidays...you know how it is. I am sorry we both have lost our boys to skateboarding. I stop sometimes and in a friendly way ask them to be careful. When they look at me like "mind your own business", I tell them about Ryan. I guess I just want them to know it CAN happen and they are not invincible. How were the holidays for you? We only had my single daughter here for Christmas so it was really quiet. That's what haunts me, the quietness. Ryan was so lively and made everyone laugh. If it was just him and my daughter it was still loud and full of life. My daughter is a dear and she tries so hard but the house is just too quiet. I have two step kids and 7 step grandchildren but they live out of town. The funny thing is they were talking about coming for Christmas and I was hoping they would not. What is wrong with me? You would think losing one child would make me want the others here always. But I am so afraid I cannot live up to what they want which is to have mom and dad put on a "normal" holiday. They just don't know there is no normal anymore. I wish you peace in dealing with your son's death. There is nothing harder in this life. Nothing.

Brenda I hope you survived Christmas ok. It's so hard to try and be joyous knowing that our children are not here with us but I tried to put on a happy face for my grandchildren. Now the chaos is over, everyone has gone home and I sit here missing my son as much as ever.

Brenda, I'm as well as can be expected. What's really hard for me right now is how insensative my family is. They are probably trying to get their mind off of life watching Christmas shows on TV and it's just a constant reminder to me that Jon won't be here, ever again for Christmas. I'm glad you got to visit your parents. I wish mine were still alive to visit. I guess I'm not so ok. Really, I'm depressed and like others would just like to go to sleep until all the holidays are over. Wishful thinking. I'm trying to make it special for my granddaughter but it's wearing me down. I'll submit another friend request on facebook. I'm not there much these days anyway. I work, eat dinner, rock my granddaughter for awhile, take my sleeping pill and get up and start all over again.

Hi Brenda, Are you ok? I submitted a friend request on facebook to you quite some time ago and I haven't seen any posts from you here. I lost my entire address book when my computer crashed a couple of weeks ago. Praying you are just busy or wanting alone time.

Brenda, I haven't heard from you in a while, I hope you are doing ok. Debbie

Brenda, I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I pray that you make it through the holidays. I won't say have a Happy Thanksgiving because I know that is impossible for all of us, just to make it through will be a blessing. Debbie

Brenda I'm glad you got some release and let the tears flow, I know it helps sometimes. I've never really been a crier but now I find myself crying at the drop of a hat, over some of the strangest things. Certain things can come on tv and I have to get up and leave the room. I, like you, hold a lot of things in, I try to be strong in front of my family, so I am constantly wearing this mask. I will be praying that you make it through the holidays and happy birthday to your Michael. God bless you, Debbie