On 4-11-2003 I had the worst day of my life, yes I had seen many deaths old, young, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. But not the closet and I never dreamed it could be possible.... My 18 year old brother was violently killed. His life was ended by the hands of another.... and no one to pay for it. My family was shaken before that but it nearly rumbled when he died. I did not think the pain I felt was a part of human kind.... yes I seen death plenty times before... but it never hit home like this. See I partially raised my brother... it goes like this. I had a child at an early age and my mother was pregnant as well (yes I hid mine until there was no more hiding) anyways she raised us all. So my brother was six months older than my son. So when I became an adult the tables were turned and for family reason I was left to raise the kids including my son... So my brother was like my child. Before he died I had a dream, the dream consisted of four men being blown up in a car accident (my four brothers) one died and the others survived... The very next day my brother was killed. I dont believe in dreams but this dream was revealing. I could not see who died in the dream but it sure became a reality the next day and I was clearly able to see..... My mother it was so hard to see the pain she went through... I often go to the cemetary to just chat its a way of coping for me.... I sometimes just wonder why even though I know that our destine is set by the Lord... its still so hard to understand this thing called death... How could a person hurt so bad... I tried to put in my mind that my brother moved away and we just dont get to see one another as much as we like (see its true with some families) but then I start to realize that the not so often visits are really NEVER that is until we meet after death. Its the hardest thing to deal with and still be a good person, life for me is hard as i try not to be sarcastic to people who take lives.... I find myself being so cruel towards a person who commits a crime.of MURDER... they are not just killing a person they are killing a family. My life consists of daydreaming, hopes that I know will not be, unexpectant cries.... I will be in my office typing and it seems as my brother will come across my mind for no reason and I am in tears.... I cant tell my co-workers for they may feel i should be over it by now after all its been five years.... five years only made me realize there is no time limit to healing nor forgetting... I loved my brother so much and would have in a instant gave my life for him.... he was a baby.... In my kids i see images of him, I know its a part of me that wont let go.... I say to my mother dont be afraid to talk about him, keep him alive but then i go home and weep like a baby..... I know that GOD places on us no more than we can handle and I understand this well.... I tell you I sometimes feel that the statement has got the best of me, wont lie felt like ending it all but I know I would cause the same pain that those MURDERS cause me and the family to cope with after the ruthless acts they pulled... and because I loved the family so and realize it is not the way to go... I just take one day at a time, and hope for a better day each night I close my eyes to sleep