Hi Jane, I just read your post.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Losing a life partner must strike at the very core of your identity.  No wonder you feel your future is so bleak.  Just hold onto hope, that there is life ahead for you as you move through your pain.  My son Charles died 22 mos ago from a brain disorder and suicide.  I have come to understand that others who haven't experienced traumatic loss just do not (generally speaking) have insight to know how to best support us.  So it is really important to find supports that will provide the support we need to process and move through the grief.  SOS (Survivors of Suicide) is a good group for that; also your local hospice can help hook you up with their and other groups in your area.  I hit a turning point recently in my grief, as I'm sure will happen with you.  I assure you, the trauma and ptsd will diminish, and at some point you will become aware of a new spark of life inside and know that you are going to be okay and that there are still good things ahead for you to experience.  Losing a life partner has to be the worst, so it may take a good two years at least before you get your equilibrium back, so be patient (yet hopeful) with yourself.  Gentle hugs.