Posted on October 26, 2011 at 9:42am
When Todd was a little boy, he told his father that he wanted to fly in outer space, as soon as it became possible. He said that he would be scared, so he'd want John to come with him. John told him that by the time it became possible to fly in outer space, he (John) would be a very old man and he probably wouldn't want him to go along, as he might be a hindrance. Todd said, "Don't worry Dad. I'll hold your hand"… Continue
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Hi Janet! Good to hear from you, it's been a very long time..... I wouldn't worry about the flower you can still see how pretty it is. Funny thing was in my computer it was upright but when I posted it for some reason it was sideways. Our tech world is frustrating sometimes. Can't live with or without everything.
Thank you for responding though. Hope you have some comfort in the coming years.
Hi Janet - Just got your message and thought I would respond right away. Xmas was okay, just my mom, one sister and her husband, and my nephew, who I love dearly. then we took a short trip to DC, just to get away for a day or two. Had a great time, but started feeling very sad on the way back yesterday. Today is worse. Funny how that happens. I have always hated new year's eve anyway. I completely ignore it now. So why should I feel bad? I guess I'm thinking about those poor people in Newtown. And you are right - it made me realize that I WAS lucky to have Tyler for 24 years. All the good times we shared and all of the memories that those poor parents won't have. I guess I should just try to be grateful for the time we had. Unfortunately, January 26th will be Tyler's 3rd anniversary, so the entire month will be spent under that cloud. Then, finally, some peace beginning in February. Our group has now decided to move on from the Hospice group. We range from persons who lost their daughter and grand daughter on the same day you lost Todd, to a couple who lost a 7 year old boy this past May. We have become such good friends that we meet either at a restaurant or someone's home once or twice a month. The hospice group still officially meets, but they changed the format and the leader, and most of our group were not as pleased with the new arrangement. It is truly a blessing to have them. someone is always there if you need them, even just by email. We are an odd lot, some older, some younger, single, married, but we share one common bond that overcomes all of our other differences. My husband will still not attend. But I guess he just needs to handle things in his own way. The pain will never go away. I know that now. I am able to cope for some longer periods of time, but I think that the meds I am on help with that. They don't take it away, however. Nothing can do that. I realized today that I actually think of Tyler almost every minute of every day. In some way he is always in my mind - either I'm talking to him, remembering him in some way, missing him, whatever. This is really an incredibly difficult way to live the rest of my days. Sometimes I wonder how I have the strength to do it. But I guess you just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I will pray for your family and Todd, and wish you peace and comfort in the new year.
Hi Janet - hope you are well and at peace. Hold tight, the holidays are almost over! Unfortunately, I have to wait until the end of January to get through my worst period. The school shooting in Newtown is just the next town over. The school is about 5 miles from my home. When I got in the car and put on the radio and heard the report, I had to pull off of the road into a parking lot. I couldn't stop crying and sobbing. I called my sister who tried to talk me down, but she was in work so she was really limited in what she could do. I kept crying all of the way home and looking at all of the cars around me, the drivers just going along. I wanted to scream at them - don't you know what just happened????? Don't you know how many families were just destroyed? The next morning when I woke up all I could think of was all of those families, waking up thinking they had just had the worst nightmare of their lives, only to find out that the nightmare was true and will never end. I remember that feeling all too well. The funeral home in Newtown is where we had Tyler's wake, and now I see it all over the TV and internet. A memorial for one of the children will be held on Friday at Walnut Hill Community Church, where we had Tyler's memorial service and where his memorial tree is planted. The only thing that can be said about this is that now I don't have to pretend to be enjoying the holiday season. No one here will be enjoying it. I did pray to Tyler and all of our children and ask them to take those babies and hold them and love them and tell them everything will be all right.
In addition, I am torn between my two sisters who will not spend time with one another. How am I supposed to decide where to go and who to have the holiday with? I feel like King Solomon.
The leg ulcer is healing up fine, although I still have to wear compression stockings, or 'lunch lady' stockings as my sister refers to them! Maybe I will hang one up for xmas!!!!!!! Actually, this is the first year I can actually look at a xmas decoration and not feel my stomach turn.
I bought one of those little trees they have been selling at the store - the table top ones. We threw up some lights on it and some nondescript ornaments. Maybe by next year I will have the gumption to get the boxes from the attic - but they contain too many mine fields - Tyler's ornaments, gifts he bough me, etc.
How was your Thanksgiving? I hope it was peaceful We had it at my mom's house, and my one sister and her husband didn't come. That was kind of sad. But we had a quiet holiday with my mom, my other sister and her husband and my nephew. I had gotten some stones out of jewelry I had and gave them to him that day to use in an engagement ring for his girlfriend. I had planned on giving them to Tyler for that reason. I think I will give my nice pair of earrings to my sister next year for her 60th birthday. What's the point of keeping them. I would just as soon give EVERYTHING away now.
I think the increased meds are really working - the black cloud of gloom that settled over me this summer is a lot lighter. Better living through Chemistry! Not gone, mind you, but at least I don't feel like Jacob Marley in a christmas carol, carrying around heavy chains all day and all night long. I am still tired all of the time and have no interest in doing just about anything, however. I guess those meds can only do so much!
I wish you and your entire family a peaceful and joyful holiday. I pray for you all.
I can't believe I wrote an entire email to you and then lost it!!!! I know I haven't written in a long while, but I HAVE been thinking of you all this time. I've been going crazy trying to work things out with my mom - selling her house and trying to decide what the best place is to put her once it sells. That, plus working, plus I have a leg ulcer on my right leg that hasn't healed since September so I have to go to the hospital for treatment every single week. Since July, all through the summer, I've been very depressed. It surprised me because I am usually the best in the summer. Just this week the psychiatrist tried upping the dose of one of my meds. We'll see if that helps. But the biggest help came just this week. One of the moms in my group visited a medium and told our group about her. Several have gone and others have appointments. I made an appointment but could't get in until February. Then, the very same day, a cancellation came up and I got an appointment for this past Monday. I went to her and it was simply amazing. She spoke to me on Tyler's behalf and every single thing she said was an answer to each and every question I cry out in the car or ask over and over again in my head. She said I had a sister who has been my rock (true). She said a man named Joseph had Tyler under his wing (my dad's name). She spoke in such detail about so many specific things. Luckily she made a CD of the session. I made copies and gave them to my sister and two best friends. Every one agreed it was just unbelievable. I want my husband to listen to it so badly, but he doesn't even know I went. He is going on a business trip to Germany, so I think I will put the CD in his luggage along with a letter from me and tell him to listen to a little at a time on his laptop in the hotel. Anyway, the session was so uplifting and healing for me at the time. I listened to it again twice this week in the car going home and it helped me both times. During the session Tyler spoke about his name being written on something and being sent somewhere. IT'S THE MARS ROVER!!!!! He said he loved that I had done that. I am certain Todd feels the same way! But I am coming up on three years and this is the only thing that has made a dent in my sadness for about the last year and a half. Will it last? Who knows. I know what a difficult time of year is coming up. I hope we both find the strength to get through it. Know that you are on my mind, even if I am not in touch. Have a peaceful Thanksgiving. Love, JoAnn (and Tyler, too!)
Thanks Janet, it is a great poster that Tami did. It seems we are leant these beautiful, special people that leave us early, maybe because they are so good to others that they are excused the long road we have to travel. My mother always said, 'The good die young', and it seems to be true. We have to pay this price, the sacrifice of separation, hoping that when we see them again we shall have them for alll Eternity.
What a Beautiful young man! You are blessed!
Hi Janet - I know what you are talking about with your mom. We went through the same thing with my mother-in-law. Spent down all her funds in assisted living for four years. Finally went into a nursing home after qualifying for medicaid. My mom is not in that condition just yet, at least I don't think so. My sisters both insist she cannot live alone. I think that the extended hospital stay, illness and meds have addled her a little more than usual, but that back in her own home with her own routine she would come back to where she was. They keep saying she needs 24 hour care, but I don't think either of them have actually stopped to think what that means or how it would occur - assisted living, live-in, moving in with one of us????? Every time I go to my therapist she has a tendency to ask me, "What does JoAnn need right now?" I was thinking, because I am supposed to see her today, WELL, JOANN NEEDS TO HAVE HER OLD LIFE BACK. She will tell me that there are new experiences, etc. to look forward to, but I say baloney. I just don't care anymore. About anything. It has hurt for too long and I know that it will just keep on hurting until I die. I don't want to exercise, watch what I eat, find a hobby, nothing. I just want to sit here until God finally takes pity on me and takes me to my son. Sorry to be so down, but I know that here is where I can just spill my guts and have someone say - 'that's okay - I know just how you feel'. I really can't do that anywhere else. That's why this site, but even more so you, are so important to me. I can't help think every minute of every day - what would I be like right now if this hadn't happened? I know I would be happy. Love to you - keep on trying. JoAnn
Hi Janet - As of yesterday my my Mom really seemed to have made some real improvement. I'm hoping it continues and that she might get out of the hospital this week. Of coures, where she will go is the next big question - home? To stay with me? My youngest sister's house would be best because she doesn't work, there is a seperate bedroom with double bed, and no stairs to navigate. But knowing my youngest sister, that will not be an option. She can stay with me but we are both out all day and the bedroom is on the second floor. I guess that's better than being by herself. Life is just a big bowl of cherries!
Oh Janet - you can tell me every crazy thing you've done, because I've done them all. Including falling to my knees and crying out lout - Please, Tyler, come back to me. You have to come back to me. And not too long ago, either! My mom ended up in the hospital on Tuesday. She was admitted for an infection whose origin is still unknown. But yesterday while I was there, she suddenly crashed right in front of me. They ended up taking her to the CCU. Apparently the infection just blew up and she is totally disorientled, etc. All I could think of was Todd in the hospital. They are giving her intravenous antibiotics and still trying to track down the cause of the infection. As of today she is still agitated, disoriented, etc. I thought to myself - if Todd at his age could succomb to something so quickly, the chances of my mother taking a turn for the worst at 85 are a real possiblity. I was looking down at her in the bed and for the first time ever I could really see her at age 85. She usually looks much younger and acts much younger. But lying in that bed I realized she really isn't. So say a little prayer for us. I'm working until about 1:00 and then going down there. It's about an hour from me and one of my sisters and an hour and a half from the other.
PLUS, to make matters even more unpleasant - my youngest sister has started up again hurling nasty words and things at us, just before this occurred. NOW we have to all go and sit in the same room together!!!!!
Isn't life just grand?????
Love - JoAnn
Hi Janet - just felt I needed to reach out to you today. I've been very down for a good few weeks now, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I had a blow up at my husband Saturday. I think I felt the need to hurt him because I hurt so badly. Wrong on my part, I know, but I did none the less. I even spend my dreams waiting for Tyler to appear in them and then getting angry in my dream if he doesn't come, which is mostly the case. I guess even after all of this time it's hard to fully comprehend that he is gone forever and when that realization does come back to me it sets me back on my heels. I know you probably feel the same way for all or part of the time. I think I need to see if my group is meeting this week and get myself over there. Even spending time with my sister yesterday wasn't enough to snap me out of it. The other sister was missing because she had basically declared a blood feud with Patti over the stupidest thing. I think that gets me down too because there are far too few of us left now - why would you go and deliberately cut ties from someone in your family? I thank you for listening - sometimes all I want from my husband is to sit down, listen to me (even if the things I am saying don't make too much sense) and say - I know, JoAnn, it's hard. But I can't seem to get that from him. I know I can always just say what's on my mind here and not worry about what your reaction will be. I hope things are going easy for you. Thanks for listening.
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