My name is Jonathan Arthur,and I'm located in Aurora, Colorado.
I'm a bisexual male, and I have yet to come out to my family and close friends. I have a girlfriend, and we have been together for almost two years now. I have a few friends, but not many, and none of them actually know me. I would say the only real people close to me are my brother, my sisters, my mother and my girlfriend- none of which know about my sexuality.
I suppose I should start with where the bullying all began. I would have to say it started in elementary school. I was always short for my height, and was constantly teased for it. I absolutely hated school. Every morning I would cry and beg my parents not to make me go. The boys would steal my lunch, put me in headlocks, push me down. The girls where just as bad, they would call me names, kick me, laugh at me, it was all terrible. I was already seeing the school counselor by 3rd grade. In middle school it just got worse. I wore skinny jeans, and had long hair. Needless to say I was constantly judged. That's when the extremely hurtful names started. I can still remember their harsh words biting at me every day. "Fag, Emo, Weirdo, Homo, Ugly female, Loser, femmyboy, goth" There where so many labels, eventually, I let those labels define who I was. By eighth grade I was cutting myself constantly, it was the only time I actually felt somewhat alright, it made me less hateful of who I was. By the time high school rolled around, things where just as bad. I would spend my lunch periods sitting in a corner, usually crying. People would walk by and throw stuff at me. I constantly had to hide my jackets that had been soiled with orange juice, milk, or even ranch dressing. I had maybe one or two friends, but they always hung out with a large group of people, and everyone else in that group made fun of me constantly, so I naturally avoided them. People constantly tried to start fights, but I didn't have enough confidence to stand up for myself so I would instead just walk away, their words lingering behind me, "Pussy...whimp...chicken...baby...wuss". Eventually, this turned into an every day occurrence, I eventually started to just sit in the bathroom stall during lunch. I began to cut myself on more than a daily basis. On more than one occasion I would be sitting downstairs in the bathroom with a razor blade in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I eventually turned to drugs, and began to frequently abuse marijuana, ecstasy, and mushrooms, all of which to help me escape from my feelings of entrapment. Finally, a little while later, I met the person who is now my girlfriend, Tori. She helped quite a bit. She was the first person to ever make me feel okay about myself. I eventually stopped cutting myself as well as doing hard drugs, but I kept smoking. I needed something to occasionally help me escape from the pain that was still coming at me full force.
Now, present day, I'm sad to say that not a lot has changed, but I can cope a little better now with everything that is constantly happening. I started taking martial arts, and that ended up helping my confidence, but I still lack it greatly. I still get called horrible names, I still occasionally spend my nights cuddled up in bed crying. I have a few friends, but I feel like none of them actually care about me. We can hang out and talk and such, but I feel if I where to end up dead one day, none of them would care. Honestly, they only act like my friends when they are upset and need someone to talk to. When their lives are going great, they don't give a damn about me. When I am not with my family, I constantly feel like I'm taking the world's journey alone. The only thing I was I had the guts to do would be to come out to my friends, family, and girlfriend. I guess the reason as to why I haven't come out yet is because I'm so scared that all of my friends and family that have been liking me all these years for who they though I was would shun me, and I would again be all alone. Maybe one day I will, I really hope so.
Thanks for reading <3