its really hard to say it out loud. i tried to talk to my friends on the phone and i couldnt say anything and if i did it was like 2 or 3 words at a time. even this is really hard for me.

i live all the way in NC. and id love to sit down with someone and talk. but i cant seem to say anything out loud without hyperventilating. its hard enough just to type it.

Good-Morning Kay,
I got your email this morning and fully understand what you are going through. I too lost my husband on March 22, 2010. My husband had a lung disease and was told in 2005 that he had five years to live. He lived five years and 2 months. We were married 34 years. We have two children together, a son 34 and a daughter 26. My Ray didn't like for me to cry either. He always told me to be strong and that is so hard for me to do. How can I be strong when my heart is broke? We were very close especially these past five years. He was on oxygen 24/7 and the last year he was home bound. His portable oxygen unit wouldn't support his breathing and he had to remain home on his home concentrator. Anyway, he is at peace now and breathing on his own but I sure do miss him terribly. We used to talk about going together but my husband said, No, you need to stay here and take care of our kids. Even through they are adults he always worried about them.
So Kay, how long were you and your husband married? Do you have children? Was your husband ill? I'm retired so I don't work plus I have a disability in my back so I'm home most of the time. It's getting harder to get around. And, since I have medical problems, I'm at high risk for surgery. Plus, back surgeries are not guaranteed 100%. So, I will just live with this problem and I do a lot of praying asking God to help me with the pain. I live in Texas, where do you live Kay? I'm originally from Chicago but we moved here over 30 years ago after my husband's job folded up in the early 80's. My husband was originally from Texas but left Texas when he was a young man. So he always considered Chicago his hometown and I feel Texas is mine because I reached so many goals in my life living here in Texas. I do sometimes miss my hometown but with all my kin gone I focus on my children and grand-children. Do you have grandchildren? I have three boys. My son has two and my daughter has a 2 1/2 month old son.
Well Kay, didn't mean to bore you with my life and my family. I do hope things will get better for you. Don't give up. May I suggest going and talking to a professional. I went to our local Hospice Organization and met with a bereavement coordinator. She gave me a private session and Kay, I am so happy that I went. She made me talk all about my Ray and every time I would get off the subject of Ray she would tell me to tell her more about him. Well...needless to say Kay, I cried so hard for almost three hours. I thought I was already cried out when Ray passed and with the funeral but girl, she got every tear out of me that day and since then, I have felt so much better. I still have my good days and bad days but my heart feels like it's healing some. Our Hospice Organization is suppose to have a group session soon. It's a six week course, one day a week for an hour and a half. You meet with others who have lost loved ones and we will all talk about our losses and share our thoughts with one another. So Kay, if you can, see if your local Hospice might have something like this, it will surely help you.
Well Kay, you take care, have a wonderful weekend and hope to meet up with you again. I will keep you in my prayers.

Love and God bless,
Pat Herrera
Bryan, TX

That would be great. Just let me know when. I have a facebook account if you would like to look me up on there. It is Christine Hudson Naylor.

I am not really sure where you live, but I live just right outside of Charlotte, NC.

Kay,
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband, Noel, died January 9, 2010 from metatastic lung cancer. It started in his right lung and spread to his adrenal glands and his spine. He suffered greatly. I think that in the beginning it was easier for me. Now I cry everyday and feel so completely alone and unloved.
Shelia

Dear Kay, The love of my life, my best friend, my everything and husband, of 34 years passed away Sept. 5, 2009. I know your pain. It is like no other pain I have ever felt. I could repeat all the Mary said, as well as all the wonderful, hurting people here at Legacy have said. Coming here has helped me at least to know I am not alone and not crazy or wrong for the way I feel.
Oct. 12, 2009, Phill would have been 66 yrs old. Our wonderful children and grandchildren came over with pizza and cake. We laughed, we cried. They then handed me a small box. I opened it to a silver necklace. On the back it was engraved with "My Man" Forevermore ( He had always called me "His Lady" and I called him "My Man") The tears flowed as I clutched it. They all looked at me and said, "Mom, do you know what that is on the front?" I thought upon opening it that it was a design, like florentine. I looked again. OMG! It was his actual thumb print imprinted on it!( Our longtime friends that owned the funeral home, took his prints) My daughter had seen this keepsake before and when she went with me to make arrangements, unknown to me she ordered the necklace. I cherrish it and touch it often.
My broken heart cries out to all on here, knowing so many hearts are broken and so many tears have flowed. God Bless all of us.
Come here often, Kay. Everyone here is here for the same reasons and to find help, support, assurance and caring.