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Well it is mothers day and I sit here broken. Lost so very sad. I know I have to perk up because my daughter is going to make dinner and I am suppose to eat it. I am not suppose to be sad over the fact I didn't get the normal hanging basket of flowers u always gave me or the burnt breakfeast in bed. I am suppose to put a grin on my face be brave and go on with the day as if nothing is ever wrong. I hate my life. I hate being here. I hate everything. I am not getting over this I am adapting. Seems like I am never really happy,I never do anything holehearted anymore. Nothing is ever finished I just don't have the desire to see things through. But of course I am not suppose to show any emotion or hurt over this. Face this day of celebrating being a mom when I have lost one. He is so close I can see him in the distance but I can't touch him or hug him. I can't make it better and that is what moms do. We can cure anything with a kiss or a hug and nothing cures this. This pain is horrible. The ake never stops but we have to go on. If I had my way I would disappear off the earth and never be seen again. All I do is hurt. My kids can't stand to see the hurt in me. I am empty. I am tired all the time. I watch people with their kids and I want to go up and shake their guts out and tell them to listen that someday you will want to hear that voice some day you will hang or wish to remember every word they said.

Everyone says go to counseling well I did and big deal. Nothing other than the fact I need to get over it and that you can't always get your way. I need to get rid of his things. None makes any since to me. The things are hurting nothing in the attic. I know in my head what I need to do but tell it to my heart. Tell my heart to let go and just go on my marry way and forget it all.

Mothers day is to honor the mother and this mother done all she could do to save her son and failed. I see no honor in this day,I see no happiness. My mother was killed in a car accident 1 year before Chris. Then Chris and my kids lost their dad in Jan so what honor is there when a mother can't lay down her live to save her child.

Kim

Kim's Blog

what to think

Posted on May 18, 2011 at 11:03pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

I am in just a daze sometimes. Seems like the pain and agony will never end. I just don't understand living again. I sometimes just would like to go into a coma and not deal with the hurt and pain anymore I miss my son and picking up the pieces of what is left of my life is a hugh undertaking. I often ask why and then I see my grandsons and realize life goes on. Weather I want to be in it or not. Something are just to hard to let go of. My grieve counsler told me once that cant isn't an…

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things are bad

Posted on May 16, 2011 at 12:37am 0 Comments 0 Likes

I read somewhere on here that the 2nd year was the worst but I think it is going to hurt like this in my life. All this pain and agony. I sometimes see myself like Scarlott in Gone with the wind. I'll think about that tomorrow or If I have to lie cheat or steal I will never be hungry again but with my fist in the air. This will not beat me. I will over come all this sadness. I will never hurt like this again. I will not loose my mind. I will fight and death u took one but u will not get me.…

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Step Back

Posted on May 12, 2011 at 1:28am 0 Comments 0 Likes

I keep telling myself all is going to be ok and I can keep going but deep inside I can't. I wake up and really don't care if I do or don't. I want to feel safe again. I want to have peace of mind. I just have this nagging feeling I missed something. I didn't pay enough attention. I gave the drs to much freedom. I go over and over the last 7 years and some of it is just a blurr. I can't remember nothing. It is like my mind shut down and I went went through the motions of life. I was frozen…

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Things I hate

Posted on May 11, 2011 at 9:28am 6 Comments 0 Likes

If I hear one more time the Lord don't put more on us than we can bare I am going to loose my mind. How easy those words come from somebody that have not sufford this loss. How can they possibly know.. but yet they give that saying out like a banner. I hate it.

dead inside

Posted on November 8, 2010 at 10:30pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

Dearest Chris,

I miss u. I can hardly breath. I hate living and I want to stay here for the kids and grandkids. I just wish I could start feeling again something other than sadness. I was driving down the road and a funeral drove past. I sat in the car and cried for each car that passed. I was heartbroken for them. I know what kind of loss it is. I really don't think I will ever be or do I want to be the same. I just want my boy back. Never in my life would I ever thought I would have…

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At 8:16am on February 11, 2010, Linda said…: Kim, I as so sorry about your son, it is so fresh for you, It is really something to be able to come here and talk to other mothers or fathers who have lost their child, I go to counseling and griefshare at a local church, but unless as a mother you have lost your baby it is not the same it is really completly different. I am one day still in shock and the next day really mad and then later that day I just want to sit and cry. I will be praying for you!!!! Linda

At 12:04am on January 27, 2010, Tami said…: Hi Kim, I was just reading all that you have writen, I have to say you really put things into perspective. I lost my son in a motorcycle accident 7 months ago, The pain is undurable but I make it through each day. I say that my heart is broken into a million shards and will never be put back together. I like to come here and be with other parents that have lost a Child, we are the only ones that understand the pain and the crazy thoughts...

Take care.
Hugs Tami