Hi Lisa,

  WOW, the year has been flying by and I can't believe Thanksgiving will be here in a couple of weeks. The holidays make me very sad and I've gotten so I wish they never existed; to many memories for me. Course, each morning brings memories to my mind as I awake around 5:30 and with the house quiet and dark, my mind does it own thing and before to long, I am crying. When that happens I have to get up and find something to do which usually is here on my laptop. I hope you are doing well and do write whenever you feel like sharing something. You could even send email to vabanta@msn.com rather than here.

  Our son will be home a week from today. He's already remarried and I wonder how this marriage will work out. My new daughter-in-law is from Singapore so we have nothing in common and even a bit of a language barrier. She does understand English but with converstations over the phone, sometimes it has been hard to understand what she's saying for her heavy accent. They were married on Sept. 10th, the divorce being finalized on Aug. 26th. It was a rush for the two to get married for Pauline, my daughter-in-law's visa was to expire on Sept. 14th. Our son told us that it was all spur of the moment but I do believe he had it planned. We've loaned our son $24,000 this year so he could pay his attorney and pay off his ex. She wouldn't even agree to the terms of the divorce unless our son gave her $16,000. I think that is extortion! Anyway, this has been another stress filled year and my blood pressure has been out of control even on 4 medications. Today, I will be going for an echocardiogram. I've had several over the past 10 years but they always show my heart is fine. I keep trying to tell these uncaring doctors that it's the stress and anxiety that is the cause but none of them want to believe me. All I do know is when I have my medication for the anxiety in me and working, my pressure is much lower. I fired my latest doctor in September. He was so insensitive and wanted me to take a statin drug which I refused to take. I had been to our Emergency Room just a week before because I was so depressed and my anxiety so bad that I began taking my medication, I really didn't care anymore. After popping 5 of them, I stopped myself and called 911. To make a long story short, the doctor in the ER was more concerned about my blood pressure but they sent in a Social Worker to talk to me. She was nice and then made me an appointment to go and talk to someone else at a clinic. Unfortunately, I'd been to that clinic a few years back and hated it! So, I called an old friend who is a psychologist and saw him. I can feel comfortable talking with him and what difference does it make as long as I talk with someone? Well, when my doctor asked if I'd seen this counselor the hospital wanted and I told him no, I talked with an old friend and pyschologist, he got so angry and huffed and got up and left the exam room. That was that, no words nothing. With that I got up along with my husband and on my way out stopped and asked for my records and told my husband to wait for them as I was going to the car. I sat in our car and cried. I've been treated so badly by doctors for the past 10 years that I no longer trust them. I do what I feel is best for me and even have ordered medications off the internet.

   Ok, I've taken up enough of your time today. I so hope that you will have a lovely Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our son will be here til Nov. 4th I believe so we are going to try and do a few fun things around town. Maybe it will help me a little but then when he has to leave to go back home, my depression will be back. I miss my family so much. I miss the hugs from my grandkids and their smiles. I never hear from our daughter and she has 5 of our grandkids, all of them special but they are growing up not knowing us and the older ones forgetting us. It breaks my heart. I miss the talks with my brother and knowing I will never set foot in the home we all grew up in, makes me sad too. Boy, em I a crazy old woman or what? 

    Thank you sincerely for your kind messages. God bless you and help you to be able to remember your brother fondly and not have it cause you sadness. Try to remember the good times with him, that way he is always in your heart. Bye now.... Your Friend....Valerie

Hi Lisa,

  WOW, the year has been flying by and I can't believe Thanksgiving will be here in a couple of weeks. The holidays make me very sad and I've gotten so I wish they never existed; to many memories for me. Course, each morning brings memories to my mind as I awake around 5:30 and with the house quiet and dark, my mind does it own thing and before to long, I am crying. When that happens I have to get up and find something to do which usually is here on my laptop. I hope you are doing well and do write whenever you feel like sharing something. You could even send email to vabanta@msn.com rather than here.

  Our son will be home a week from today. He's already remarried and I wonder how this marriage will work out. My new daughter-in-law is from Singapore so we have nothing in common and even a bit of a language barrier. She does understand English but with converstations over the phone, sometimes it has been hard to understand what she's saying for her heavy accent. They were married on Sept. 10th, the divorce being finalized on Aug. 26th. It was a rush for the two to get married for Pauline, my daughter-in-law's visa was to expire on Sept. 14th. Our son told us that it was all spur of the moment but I do believe he had it planned. We've loaned our son $24,000 this year so he could pay his attorney and pay off his ex. She wouldn't even agree to the terms of the divorce unless our son gave her $16,000. I think that is extortion! Anyway, this has been another stress filled year and my blood pressure has been out of control even on 4 medications. Today, I will be going for an echocardiogram. I've had several over the past 10 years but they always show my heart is fine. I keep trying to tell these uncaring doctors that it's the stress and anxiety that is the cause but none of them want to believe me. All I do know is when I have my medication for the anxiety in me and working, my pressure is much lower. I fired my latest doctor in September. He was so insensitive and wanted me to take a statin drug which I refused to take. I had been to our Emergency Room just a week before because I was so depressed and my anxiety so bad that I began taking my medication, I really didn't care anymore. After popping 5 of them, I stopped myself and called 911. To make a long story short, the doctor in the ER was more concerned about my blood pressure but they sent in a Social Worker to talk to me. She was nice and then made me an appointment to go and talk to someone else at a clinic. Unfortunately, I'd been to that clinic a few years back and hated it! So, I called an old friend who is a psychologist and saw him. I can feel comfortable talking with him and what difference does it make as long as I talk with someone? Well, when my doctor asked if I'd seen this counselor the hospital wanted and I told him no, I talked with an old friend and pyschologist, he got so angry and huffed and got up and left the exam room. That was that, no words nothing. With that I got up along with my husband and on my way out stopped and asked for my records and told my husband to wait for them as I was going to the car. I sat in our car and cried. I've been treated so badly by doctors for the past 10 years that I no longer trust them. I do what I feel is best for me and even have ordered medications off the internet.

   Ok, I've taken up enough of your time today. I so hope that you will have a lovely Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our son will be here til Nov. 4th I believe so we are going to try and do a few fun things around town. Maybe it will help me a little but then when he has to leave to go back home, my depression will be back. I miss my family so much. I miss the hugs from my grandkids and their smiles. I never hear from our daughter and she has 5 of our grandkids, all of them special but they are growing up not knowing us and the older ones forgetting us. It breaks my heart. I miss the talks with my brother and knowing I will never set foot in the home we all grew up in, makes me sad too. Boy, em I a crazy old woman or what? 

    Thank you sincerely for your kind messages. God bless you and help you to be able to remember your brother fondly and not have it cause you sadness. Try to remember the good times with him, that way he is always in your heart. Bye now.... Your Friend....Valerie

Hi Lisa,

 Don't fret about sharing how you feel with the loss of your brother, as it helps to talk. It will be 4 years this Sept. 8th since my brother died. He was not quite 59 which is how old I am now....and feeling older by the day. I can tell I never thought I'd take Bryan's passing so hard but it affected me greatly. The day of his funeral, before the Mortician was to close his casket we were asked if we wanted to say our last goodbyes. I walked up to the casket, put my hands on his, feeling the coldness and stiffnes and I broke down and layed my head on his chest and sobbed. It was all to much for me. And I had only my husband to lean on and sorry to say but he's never been one to help me with anything emotional. After my father's death and getting home from his funeral and feeling so bad and rejected by my mom and brothers, I went outside and sat on my back steps and cried and cried and no one knew I was there. OK, that's all water under the bridge.

   I am glad that you too had a close relationship with your brother. I understand how you feel since I've lost my parents and brother but life goes on. Thank you for sharing and yes, we have the both beautiful mountains and I could get in my car and be in them within 35 minutes. I'm here in the Salt Lake Valley which is surrounded by mountains. This winter we had 50 ft. of snow up there and now it's all melting and coming down and we've had flooding in some areas. We're not in an area that has that problem, thank God. I hear from my son how humid and hot it gets there and I wouldn't do well in humid conditions. It's dry out here and so far we've not had really hot weather. He hottest its been was 86. We broke a record for May, we had over 5 inches of rain...that's a third of what we get in a year. I best go too, we've not even had dinner yet been on the phone since 2:30 trying to calm down my son. He's going through a divorce and his wife has been just awful. Bye for now.....Valerie

Hi Lisa,

 Don't fret about sharing how you feel with the loss of your brother, as it helps to talk. It will be 4 years this Sept. 8th since my brother died. He was not quite 59 which is how old I am now....and feeling older by the day. I can tell I never thought I'd take Bryan's passing so hard but it affected me greatly. The day of his funeral, before the Mortician was to close his casket we were asked if we wanted to say our last goodbyes. I walked up to the casket, put my hands on his, feeling the coldness and stiffnes and I broke down and layed my head on his chest and sobbed. It was all to much for me. And I had only my husband to lean on and sorry to say but he's never been one to help me with anything emotional. After my father's death and getting home from his funeral and feeling so bad and rejected by my mom and brothers, I went outside and sat on my back steps and cried and cried and no one knew I was there. OK, that's all water under the bridge.

   I am glad that you too had a close relationship with your brother. I understand how you feel since I've lost my parents and brother but life goes on. Thank you for sharing and yes, we have the both beautiful mountains and I could get in my car and be in them within 35 minutes. I'm here in the Salt Lake Valley which is surrounded by mountains. This winter we had 50 ft. of snow up there and now it's all melting and coming down and we've had flooding in some areas. We're not in an area that has that problem, thank God. I hear from my son how humid and hot it gets there and I wouldn't do well in humid conditions. It's dry out here and so far we've not had really hot weather. He hottest its been was 86. We broke a record for May, we had over 5 inches of rain...that's a third of what we get in a year. I best go too, we've not even had dinner yet been on the phone since 2:30 trying to calm down my son. He's going through a divorce and his wife has been just awful. Bye for now.....Valerie

Lisa, Hi. Hard for me to talk about all my losses for thinking to much on them causes me anxiety but I'll try to share a little bit with you.

All I can tell you is, I feel I have an empty place in my heart that will never be filled. I was very close to my brother since he was single and lived alone. He had no friends and after his first stroke and then Bells Palsy, he was left stuck in the house and he gave up driving. I do have one other brother and between both of us we'd see after our oldest brother's needs. I would call my brother 3 times a week and we'd spend 3-4 hours on the phone talking about anything, I miss that the most. We'd keep each other company and help spend part of those days together. From the time we were children, we seemed to always get along and shared our love of music and food. My other brother has never been a part of my life even though he lives only 7 minutes from me. He was never close even with my parents. Well, life does go on but like I've said, when holidays roll around it is hard to find joy in them.

 I hope you can find peace with your loss and know that no matter what, you wouldn't wish to have your brother back only to see him suffering. I sat and watched my brother slowly pass away after he had a massive stroke; it took 2 days. He is where he wants to be, for his life was very lonely and at the end, he was having to go to the doctor every week; he had developed ulcers on his lower legs from diabetes. He had a hard time walking, I know he's at peace now.

  Thanks for your comments. Have a good day and keep cool, I hear it's going to get really hot there. Bye now.

Valerie

Hello Lisa,

  How kind of you to send me a friend request and your comments. Yes, it is hard dealing with the loss of loved ones. I've had some moments where I've felt very much alone, not being able to pick up the phone and call my brother or parents. I don't think a person ever fully gets over losing anyone and when holidays roll around that makes things even harder. How do you not have memories?

   I am doing ok and thank you for asking. Are you doing ok too? My son lives in Cincinnati and its only been since last October that I and my husband have had contact with him. I have only 2 children and my daughter lives in Washington State but we have no contact with her, a long story. My husband is disabled now due to a car accident and now heart failure so my days are busy caring for him and our home. Some days are worse than others but I am sure you understand that. May you find peace in your life and thank you again.

Valerie