Your picture is all too familiar. On July 25, 2016 our son of 13 years old took his life. I just happened to get an email today from Legacy Connect and decided to look and I came across your page. I share the tough love situation and want to share the last days of his life:
Sunday we went boating and had a blast. Wednesday his kids church group was planning on rafting in Gatlinburg TN. They were only planning on one day but I suggested a stay at a hotel and to take 2 days. On Monday I asked him to cut the grass before we left. He refused. I tried to set an example and cut the front yard. It was a hot day and I came in for a drink. He was sitting on the stairs. I approached him and in disgust said "Ethan you crossed the line today" As I said those words I saw a tear in his eye. I felt compassion on him as I left to get a drink. I had every intention on talking with him to see what was the matter. He didn't give me that chance. He already had found one of my guns, put 2 bullets in the clip and put it in the gun. He must have had it ready in his pocket. Little did I know, when I said those words that he did cross the line. I never was given the chance to talk with him. I blame myself every day but I know that he loved God and that he decided to write his last chapter. The pain never goes away. It is a new normal.
Thank you Marianne for accepting my friend request. I am very happy that you have come once again to this website but very sorry to see you beating yourself up.
Grief following a suicide is always complex. This is not something you just "get over." It is not the Flu… Not that I agree that you should feel guilty, but as a mother you are suffering the greatest of all pain. You are struggling with explosive emotions, well beyond the limits experienced in other types of deaths.
I haven’t been on this site for months but for some reason, today, I felt compelled to look at my page. There you were just returning also – was it meant to be? I pray to be able to help others that are suffering. I will listen, not with my ears, but with my heart, if you want to talk.
May I ask, why you feel so strongly? I really want to listen. I don’t believe that I am special nor that I have the answers, but I care.
Marianne, I started with the "What ifs" all the way back to when my boys were small.. I always felt like I was doing what I had to do to help them, but then something went wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing by them and had some Tough Love moments myself... to no avail I am afraid. We love our children and try to teach them and make them see what is the best thing to do to be "Safe". That is what we are supposed to teach our children... The bible states several times that we are supposed to bring our children up and teach them right from wrong... parents have to use tough methods at times when things are not working.... It was not meant to work in our childrens case....What happened was in God's plan... who know why we are not ever going to understand.....all I know is my focus has changed and my heart will forever be focused on seeing my son again and making sure I can lead as many people to Christ as I can, just as the bible directs me to do... I am going to believe our children are safe, happy and away from any more pain, sadness, or struggle. We are all changed, we are all different, and forever will love and keep our children in our hearts and focus until we see them again.... I am sorry for your pain, I know it all too well.
I read your post from Oct 7 2011 and was moved to tears that you blame you for your son's death. Since you said that you used tough love means, to me, that you were trying to help your son. No one can know the mind of another and as parents we are just doing the best we can. My son has turned aside from everything he was taught even our family values. I have been told that I did a good job and that as a grown man his decisions are his and does not reflect on me or my family. Well, I understand the words but I still "feel" I am to blame. Suicide is much easier to recognize after it happens - like hind sight is 20/20 - but not easily seen before. Please do not torment yourself it really isn't your fault even if you "feel" it is. I will do some research for you and maybe find something to help. I will keep you in my prayers.