Ooops I am so sorry!  I mis-spelled your Cathy's name!! sorry!

Mark, I know what you mean about the loneliness... or at least I feel like I do.  John and I move here to the Carolinas from different places 16 years ago last month.  I had gone back to school after filing for divorce to a man who was as different from John as night is from day and I'm not just referring to color of their skin! After graduating I looked for work AWAY from where I'd spent the previous 21 years living in .... well lets just say it wasn't heaven.  When I was offered a good job here along with funds to help with the move, I took it!   I left my family, friends and nightmares in Georgia and he John left all his friends in Canada so that we could be together.  Basically for 16 years it was just the two of us.  I made a few friends and so did he... but for the major portion of our lives here was built around just the two of us.  Even more so, after I started having so much trouble with my back, hip, and knees that i had to go on long term disability from work and then almost exclusively after John retired from working at the same place.  When I wrote he was my world, I truly meant it, we had our own little world together here and there was seldom anyone else who entered in it more than a few hours, once in a while. The only exceptions where  when John's son came down from New York with his family or when He and I would go visit mine in Georgia.  Sometimes I'd go back and visit for a couple of days by myself but we spoke every night and sometimes several times during the day.. and with the internet we often chatted almost more than we would have talked if I'd been right there with him.  And he ALWAYS told me he missed me and I was ALWAYS more than ready to go home by the time I did, in fact more often than not I wouldn't stay the full time I initially planned..  I was always eager to get back home, to be with John again.  So I truly do not know what to do with myself now that he is gone.  I don't want to call people all the time, primarily because I don't wish to become a nuisance but also because they are who I want to talk to!  Does that make sense to anyone but me?  As much as I love them, and as much as I enjoy the company of my friends and family, they aren't John.  No one understood me like he did.  Yes, I too am lonely.  The nights are the worst..  its TOO quiet!  There is not one  to touch, no back to scratch, :)  no back to rub.. no hand to hold, no one to laugh at funny movies with, no one to discuss a good movie or bad movie with... no one to share anything with... no one..  just me and the quiet of a room without the CPAP machine running..  I listened to the sound of that machine and John's breathing for the entire 16 years!  And now there's nothing.  Most nights I leave the TV on low ALL night....  I'm looking at the photos of you and Kathy then just Kathy as I'm typing they continually rotate from one to the other. She has such a friendly smile.  I can very easily imagine that she would have been someone I would have liked to know. ... Was she a nurse?  I'm not sure why I'm asking, but something is making me wonder if she was, perhaps there is just something nurturing, caring about her 'aura'.  I'll be praying for you Mark.  Praying that God ease the pain of your loneliness and that he 'dull' the pain for ALL of us, as soon as its healthy for us.  I do believe we have to feel the pain for awhile... cry for a season, hurt deeply for a time, but I also believe he sends things to make us smile, to make us laugh and people to help us know we are still loved.   I'm still taking all of this an hour, a day at a time.  I can't take more than that.... thinking of the future or even trying to is FAR too painful and empty...  Each time I find my mind attempting to go there, I am so consumed with loneliness and vastness of the empty days ahead that I can barely breath.  Its too much,.. too painful.....  too empty.. too many unfulfilled dreams start flooding into sight.. So for now until I'm ready to handle more

thanks for the friend request. Also for the sympathy on the board. Yes, we that have yet to go through the holidays without our loves is going to be very rough. Somehow, someway we will make it however the extreme we each deal with it will vary. It does help in some way to be able to share with others that can relate. Hang in there, one day at a time .. Cheryl 

Hi Mark,

I am more than happy that you friended me. Not sure that is a word, but in the cyber world I think it is. I wish you well on your journey through this horrible life course we are on. I can tell that you were a wonderful husband to Cathy and that she was a wonderful wife. I think only those of us who had a truly wonderful relationship with our spouses are on this site. I have been on this journey for 1 year and 2 months, so I have some wisdom to share. Others have been here longer and they have much more to share. Keep coming back and we will help you through it as best we can.

Thank you, Mark, for your friendship.  I wish I had known Cathy -- she looks, from her picture, like someone I would have enjoyed.  What a lovely smile!