Hi Annie,

I appreciate the honesty in the emanation you've shown. I'm dyslexic so writing takes time. There is much I want to say and the complexity of your situation makes saying it correctly difficult.

I didn't mean to say you were hiding behind the name, only that it feels that way to me. Annie feels like a person.

I understand your anger, it's one of the ways people react, you have good resin to be angry. I can tell you need someone to listen. I should listen and be sympathetic without giving much advice. I try to keep in mind a concept from the book "Men are from Mars and Women from Venus." Women want someone to listen to the their problems, but men what to solve them. Being male it's hard to not give advice. You said you are getting advice, and it sounds as if it is more voluminous than helpful. Somehow what I said is a little different and touched something.

In the little you've told me, I might see signs of what may have been bothering him. Things are never as simple as they first seem so I need to think more.

Why you are angry is not hard to understand. He took your happiness from you. If a stranger had killed him, everyone including you would not question why your mad. You loved him, making everything confused. Everything from not telling you about what was happening to why he did it to you and the children. His relatives are no help, you should be angry at them.

Is there anyone you talk with that understands how you feel?

More later. I live near Baltimore. Our air conditioning failed the day it hit 105 and I stayed up all night working on figuring out what was wrong. That night the temperature out side never went below 95, in the house it got to be over 90. My sleep pattern is still messed up.

Dominic

I need to think about what you are saying, more than I have time for at the moment. I need to make lunch. I will get back to you though.

Dear Miss Confused,

I can't help but feel there is much more that needs to be said. I don't know anything about you or what it is you need. Certainly his death and the circumstances are difficult for you. There are many possible meanings of your reply so I'm unsure of what to do. Your use of ellipsis ... suggest you want to say more but edited your thoughts before relieving to much.

You said "they are careful not to tell me what I need to hear." This could mean anything from, you think they are trying not to upset you, to, they are trying to withhold help from you, I don't know. You may have even found what I said painful. I hope not, and I'm sorry if it was unpleasant. Because I can't see your face or hear your voice I can't tell how you are interpreting what I say.

You remind me of an old friend of mine who says volumes in a few words but leaves me with more questions. Miss Confused seems overly formal. If you would like to talk, give me a first name. It doesn't need to be yours just one that doesn't feel like you're hiding. I should follow this with a joke, but I can't seem to find one, they must be hiding from me.

Dominic

I'm sorry for your losses. I believe you, you didn't know what was happening to him. Often in suicides no one else does. His pain must have been terrible. It's impossible to compare one person's pain with another, but to him, whatever it was, to him it was unbearable, and there was no other way to end the pain.

The timing says that there was something about getting married or being married that caused things to be worse for him, but you probably know this already. If you want to tell me more of the circumstances I might be able to find something you don't understand. Have you tried to talk about how you feel? Even people who have gone through it don't know what it is like for you unless you tell them.

Needing to forgive him means that you blame him for what happened. He no more wanted to have to dye than someone who dies of cancer or a heart attack, to him there was no choice. Unless you have been suicidal yourself it's difficult to see how his situation could be hopeless. In some painful diseases, suicide is a rational choice when there is no hope for relief form overwhelming pain. Does it matter to the person in pain what the cause of the pain is if nothing can be done to make it better?

For you to move on, you need to let go of him. Tell him that it is OK to go. You loved and trusted him. Use that love to trust him one last time, to trust that he did what was the right thing for him. In trusting him you may find peace. If you can except that it is OK for him to leave, it may not only help you, but him too.

Dominic