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Pam's Blog

Feb 25-June 2

Posted on June 2, 2009 at 3:57pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

Awww DeeDee what has happened. I can't believe your invisble. I hear your laugh on the video. I see you talk. But I can't see , hear or talk to you. What happened.

At first we were victims of a suicide, We didn't understand. We didn't deal at all well. months later , they say no, no suicide. Now, we grieve all over again, but in a different way. What the he$$. I don't understand.

Now you may of had a heart attack. Did you know? Please tell me you just went to sleep and that you didn't… Continue

My little sister Did Not Commit Suicide

Posted on April 17, 2009 at 6:33pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

Having the police and coronor telling us it looked like suicide. Than the coroner report said nothing wrong with her. Now finally, the toxicoloy report comes back.Nothing in her system. She did not take all those pills.
Now on April 17 , she died Feb 25. We only know she is gone. No reason. No one to ask. What do you do. Say she went to sleep and never woke up. What no heart attack. No physical signs. What do you do.

it doesn't stop it doesn't get better

Posted on April 13, 2009 at 11:36pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

I'm trying so hard to make each day a day not centered around you dying.

I miss you so much.

This is a way to help me to let some of this pain out. It chokes me so deep,. That sometimes i don't think I can take a deep breath.

I've allowed your passing to become my whole life. The other things I do in the day. Are just done. Than I can come here to Legacy and work on your site.

I tell myself its to help. That once I get it to were its done i will walk in the sun. I will… Continue

Alone

Posted on March 19, 2009 at 1:03am 0 Comments 0 Likes

The Police came to my door. I acted odd. I didn't cry. I thanked them. They left me card. The Officer who was with the coroner. The coroner.Victim services. I Thanked them and closed the door. Than I phoned my sister. She never answered. I went to tell my daughter. I drove for a hour to wake up our 83 old mother. I told her. She was her baby. Of eight children , she was her baby.

The next day I went to the funeral home. Than I went to her apartment. I saw what they had done to her… Continue

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At 3:40pm on April 9, 2009, kim said…: Thanks Pam, i know what you mean I look at my flower beds and think how awesome they look and know my brother will not be here to enjoy them any longer. Sometimes I find myself not looking at things the same way either. things that gave me joy are really wearing thin on me. I hope that after time that will slowly disapate and I will be able to enjoy things again. I find myself feeling like I just exist and go with the flow of life. I do laugh but most of the time I am just here.. I feel bad for my family and friends but every day I try to find one min of joy for something. Take care of yourself while your husband is away if you need a voice to listen please call me 308-220-8939. Have a safe peaceful weekend.

At 1:40pm on April 9, 2009, kim said…: Pam
I haven't heard from you for so long I was praying that you are ok. I am still struggling with my brother. My mom is having such a hard time with this. I hate the idea of firsts and life at times. I am just struggling so much. I am sleeping but not sleeping I wake up at the sound of anything and I am pushing my husbands love away at times. I hate this hurt I hate the pain everyone is going through because of sudden deaths and suicides. We are going to celebrate Easter, because it was a struggle for Jesus and I know my brother stuggled and the kids want to die eggs. We have going to tie things to the tree for a living tree and Easter presents that came from my brother in Heaven. If it wasn't for my siblings and neices and nephews I don't think we would be celebrating either. Hugs to you sister. Love and peace, Kim

At 1:56pm on March 26, 2009, kim said…: oh Pam never evere feel that her live was nothing or put it under a rug. Enjoy your life through her memories. As I have said do some things that she would have done carry on her memory in things that you do with your children. I don't know if I could do the cremation thing that you talked about, but I know some that could, that is ok. Like I have said we all grieve differntly and there is no right or wrong way to do it, we just go through it and hope we all end up somewhere on an acceptance side and that we can continue their memory. Your sisters, I pray, will get there. They are in a different place than you are with her death. Some feel guilt, some blame themselves, so question the what if's... By this time we cant look back and change anything all we can do is go forward and learn from those mistakes we feel we made and try not to make them again. We are human we are going to make mistakes, but hope to learn and take something positive and useful from the experience. Please don't ever feel like you should put your sisters memories under a rug. Dance, Sing and remember her and know that she is glorifing her Lord in Heaven. Sunshine to you w/a hug. Kim

At 3:43pm on March 25, 2009, kim said…: Oh Pam I am so sorry. I know it will get better. Day by day. sometimes those words are so old and non comforting. But they will you need to allow it as well. I know your sister is holding you. It has been 2 months since my brothers death. There are days when I really feel like I can't take it then there are other days I know he wouldn't want me hurting or feeling so bad. You need to realize that your sister is NO LONGEr in pain, in dispair. We don't know why things happen, but we can lean on eachother to get through it. We also have to want to get through it. Miss her but find the joy you had with her hold those close. Find strength in something--something that she did the "little things" that when you think of her you smile. If I can why did the funeral home ask you to come and pick up her clothes? my brother was cremated and he was in his clothes. Both my grandparents were burried in their clothes. That seems so strange to me. Try to remember through all of this that she is no longer hurting she is singing, dancing, she is an angle in Heaven watching over you now and will be waiting for you with open arms. God Bless you.

At 8:49am on March 20, 2009, kim said…: I know about the threads. Sometimes though we need to stop thinking about all of it and just enjoy the moment. Sometimes thinking and dwelling makes it even worse and we can't go on. It does get better. each day, but there are clearer skies ahead. Did you happen to listen to the song by the gaithers? It only rains sometimes... that was one of my brothers fav songs it really helps. take care of yourself and know there are hugs and prayers here in NE for you daily.

At 4:33pm on March 19, 2009, kim said…: Pam,
isn't funny how our minds take things away from us? I remember my mom after my brothers death. she was numb, we were all numb. waiting for him to walk up the stairs and start talking to us as well. He took his life on Jan 25. we had the funeral on the 29th. I have 4 other brothers and sisters. we all pulled together. we supported each other the days to come after the 25th of Jan. He was cremated so we didn't have a burrial until the 14th of March. That is when things went haywire. we all are feeling our own feelings our own hurts our own loss and we began taking it out on eachother. That was tough. I know the days ahead are going to be tough, but I also know my brother wouldn't want us dwelling on him. I know in my heart that he wants us to enjoy the life he had while he was here and he was smiling and enjoying family, neices and nephews and in laws. My brother was my mothers oldest. I think about how strong we are as siblings moving on and continuing to carry a light. My thoughts and prayers go to you now and always. Take care of yourself do something fun for yourself and don't forget to smile along with your tears. Kim