At 11:35pm on September 29, 2009, jai parker said…
Patsy thank you so much you know I had so many people and family here when I first loss my son. And someone said to me tough times is when everyone goes back and time moves on I didnt get it then but now when my phone barely rings and no one visits I know now and I get it.
It's interesting that our stories are so parallel. We got married at 20 while we were still in college. I'm 61 now. I can understand about your bed. I had bought new bedroom furniture except the bed before Gary died. During the funeral my cell phone rang. I couldn't believe it! I thought, who could be calling me when everyone I knew was at the funeral. The next day I called the number back and it was the furniture store telling me my bedroom furniture was in. I don't know if it's helped but I think some change can be good. I'm trying to figure out how to change a few things in my house that may help me like repainting some rooms to make them lighter and fresher. It gets rainy here in the winter and it can be quite depressing. I still haven't been able to deal with his clothes yet. Someone I work with offered to take all his shirts and make lap quilts for my children and me. But everytime I think I can do it, I cave. I have another co worker who also lost her husband suddenly 2 months before me. I keep asking her if it's better yet. I understand the grief will never totally go away. Sometimes I have respite from it but it can come flooding back out of nowhere. I was having a good time with my son and daughter in law last night but on our way home I sat in the back seat and sobbed uncontrollably. I keep thinking when is this nightmare going to end? People are sympathetic but even my best friends and family don't really know what it's like. I guess I wouldn't want them to it's so painful. My biggest issue is that I'm so dependent on my family. I know when they move out I'll have another reason to grieve. I worry that will double my pain. I'm trying to prepare but I'm scared. People tell me to live in the moment and enjoy the time they're with me but it's hard. I know they have to move on with their lives but I still can't imagine me doing it. I don't know about you or your interests or social circle but people keep telling me to go out and meet new people and do things. I'm a pretty social person but the thought doesn't appeal to me. So what do we do? I guess we force ourselves to take steps to find ways to make our lives ok. I know our lives will never be the same. I hate that and I know you do too. It is going to take a long time. Something I learned in the group is that we need to "lean in to our grief." When it comes, accept it and know the pain of that moment will pass and we'll have respite again. I hope and pray that the times of those "grief spasms" will lengthen in frequency. Today I'm going to try and tackle our closet. Maybe a little at a time. Take care Patsy. I'm thinking about you. You can talk over and over about the same thing to me if you want. I'll never not listen.
Hi Patsy, I just read your story and I'm so sorry. I also lost the love of my life in December . We had been married 40 years and he was everything you describe to me. I know your pain. It's unbearable. I feel sick most of the time. It's been almost 10 months now and it's still extremely difficult. I don't cry as much now but I hurt just as much. I have joined a support group but it's very diverse and wish I could find one for bereaved spouses. I haven't been able to. I live in Portland, OR. I go anyway because it does help even though everyone is in a different situation. I also have a counselor and usually I use that time to cry. My friends and family have moved on. My oldest son and daughter in law and 2 grandchildren are living with me for awhile which helps the lonliness but the grief still goes on. Yet, I try to be careful not to show mine to them so much because I think they want to continue their life and many activities without dealing with it. I know my son grieves but it's not like mine. Sometimes it's hard because I can't find anyone to talk to. I do have 1 best friend that tolerates my repeating my grief over and over. She's very patient. I hope you have such a friend. It's so important because I still want to talk about him to someone. Bless you Patsy. I so understand. Email any time you need to talk. I really want to share with you. Judy