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Loss of my husband

Posted on September 28, 2010 at 8:23pm 0 Comments 0 Likes

Hi Mary -

I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband.. I lost my husband to cancer too. He passed here at home on the 16th of December 2009, the day after our daughters Birthday.... This has been a difficult time for me through this year and now it seems to be more painful again with the holidays coming up..

It is not easy and it seems theres not a beginning.. Just take one day at a time.. Theres a grieving process to go through and each day may be different for you..…

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At 9:31pm on June 25, 2010, pippa said…: Hi Sage, thank you for your kind words the other day. Don't worry- I am taking you up on your invite-I cried most of today, mourning the loss of all my hopes and desires which were embodied in Liza. This is the worst day I have had since the first week and , like all of us, I worry that it is a trend, a harbinger of getting more in touch with my grief as the trauma from her illness and death recede.
I am holding onto the hope you sent me. bless you and I hope you are ok,
pippa

At 1:48pm on June 21, 2010, pippa said…: Sage, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response. I was sobbing as I wrote the post, feeling like every tear that came out was made from some kind of toxic chemical, so painful were they. I am trying hard to get on top of my grief but it is a slippery slippery slope and I just keep sliding. I joined the gym last week to try and get some lift from endorphins and it helps a lot. Plus I am lucky enough to have been able to get in with liza's therapist and get some after the fact marriage counseling / use it to help me work on my bereavement.
but then there is the horrible realization that I am left here all alone in the house and life that we built together.
everything seems so meaningless. My mom died in Feb too and so I feel completely alone, ravaged by pain. A double amputee, if you will. It is my intention for Liza to live on through me, my life , my actions and so now I do what I do because I know it is what she would have wanted, she who fought so hard to stay alive, surviving 5.5 years with stage 3 c ovarian cancer. She never never never gave up the fight, not even in her final fifteen minutes and so I too feel the need to be strong for her, to live my life in a way that would make her proud. But right now, it is absolutely hollow, I am hollow, I lost all of my pleasure and joy in life in an instant that now translates into the rest of my life without her.
Thank you for your encouragement. My will to survive this is strong. Right now I am completely in the dark. So it is comforting to know survivors like you have gradually experience light returning to your eyes, to your life.
thanks again.

At 9:59pm on June 13, 2010, Randolph L. Schrader said…: Thanks again Sage for your kind message. I'm not doing any better after 15 months. All I can offer is a good ear and a big hug. Hugs are good.

At 5:22pm on June 9, 2010, Randolph L. Schrader said…: Thank you Sage for your thoughtful message. Have to be busy for a while so must keep this short for now. Can only offer you my ear and my knowledge of what we are all going thru now and I care and understand. I can only share the things we are going thru and we are not the only ones. I will give you a hug and a hug to everyone. Chat anytime.

At 9:46am on May 23, 2010, Bernie said…: I'm on my way to church, but will write you tonight. I'll send my note to your email if that's ok with you. I'm careful to not say too much on these forums. I did get your address/email and appreciate your honesty. It's scary to know what does go on in cyberspace. You are smart to be careful. I am, too.Thank you for your prayers. You are in mine.

At 2:38pm on May 20, 2010, Bernie said…: I haven't done anything active about the Christmas boxes, but have it on my "to do" list.

My job is extremely stressful and I've been crying a lot lately. One night on the way to work I asked God to remove my character defects and to let me be the person He wants me to be & to not fall apart so much. I know I'll see my husband again & I don't mind living alone. It's the loneliness that is the killer as well as not having my husband here when I get home from work in the morning--he would look at my face & knew exactly what was wrong. I didn't have to say a word. I'd bounce things off him & he always had the right thing to say. I miss that so much! 40 years+ does that.

Since I work the night shift (11p-7a) I nap during the day for a few hours. When I get up I don't feel like making dinner. Ed would say, "let's get a pizza so you don't have to cook," and we'd jump in the car and go on a date. Last Sat. was a beautiful sunny day so when I got up from my nap all I could think of was Ed saying, "Let's go out," and how I'll never share that again. I cried like a baby & am crying now just retelling the story. Grieving is a tough road, a road that will take us directly to our God if we let it & not keep stumbling into roadblocks as I let myself do.

I'll pray for you on "your" day, Saturday. On my ann'y I went to a beach where we used to go when we were dating & where we'd return periodically. It was a cold February day in New England & I walked the beach & picked up a seashell. Took a picture of a lone tree on a jetty & prayed. Now I look at that pix on my cell phone & think (again) about my sweetie. As if I need a picture! THe seashell is on my dining room window.

I'm making progress here with the mess. I cleaned up the cellar & swept up the filth. Hauled boxes of stuff to the dump & patted myself on the back for the huge accomplishment. It's an overwhelming amount of work, but it does keep me out of "bars & pool halls". LOL. I like mindless work.

One of my new friends is coming here this w/e to clear brush. I had hired a couple of illegals (who insisted on cash) who did (or, more correctly, did NOT) do much work. I paid them 1/2 & asked them to return to finish up what we had agreed they'd do. Never saw them again. So, now, my friend is coming to complete the job. God is good...

I figured out how to work the monster mower & spent an afternoon cutting "the back 40". Boy, was my body sore the next day!!! I'll not mow as much as Ed (my sweetie) did, but, it will get done. Just as long as it looks as if someone lives here.

What a tender story about your husband and the kitty. Animals do know when someone is about to die. Our long haired cat moped around for months and wouldn't come out of hiding after my husband's death. My dog, who adored my father, was found lying on the steps of the funeral home on the day my father was buried. The dog was taken to the vet b/c he was so sick & had to be put down. Vet said it was a "broken heart".

Is there a way to share our emails? I'd also like to send you a a copy of a beautiful book which someone gave me, a daily meditation book for healing. I think you'd like it.

God Bless You!

At 9:00am on May 12, 2010, Sage said…: Hi Fred -

Yes my husband and I have been married for 44 years (almost 44 years Fred) This coming Saturday will be our 44th. Wedding Anniversary. We were married when I just turned 19 years old.. It seems I have been with him my whole life. Hes still my husband and Rose will always and forever be your wife :) We just take one day at a time and trust the Lord asking for his strength, guidance and direction each day..

I read a little bit each night before I go to sleep and I think that helps. I read a little devotional book that my daughter bought for her Dad for Christmas.. He never received this little book tho because he passed the 16th this past December. Its ok tho, he still sees the book and his presence is here and where ever I go.. Roses presence is with you too but physically on that glorious day is when we will reunite forever more.

For now tho Fred we need to learn to live again.. This is not easy. I personally have had hard days again since Friday.. Just remember the promised words from our Lord" "This too shall pass." It seems we are in a valley right now and not on the mountain top but its "in the valleys we grow".. He will NEVER let us down and He (Jesus) is with us all the time.. Where would we be without Him?

I live alone and thats how I like it.. I had to quit my job a year before my husband passed and am now on Social Security. What helps me Fred and I think/I hope you might consider this and that is I have 2 little dogs and an inside cat.. Teddy, Bailey-Rose and Peaches the Kitty. Being you work its not reasonable to have a dog but a kitty can be good Fred.. A pet is a great companion. If I didn't have these little pets I would have harder times coming home to this big empty house.. They are a great blessing to me.. Each one was an unwanted pet and why people cast these wonderful animals aside is beyond me. Please think about and visit or call your local animal shelter (SPCA) just ask about their kittys Fred. You're not making a commitment , your just looking and asking question, but please consider a pet. They probably have a declawed kitty just waiting for a home.. I suggest declawed and a bit older - not a kitten because a kitten will have lots more energy but the older kitties are so calm and settled down. My 3 pets sleep with me each night.. I love them and I can't imagine life without them or some kind of a pet..

Teddy is 7year old male Shih Tzu. We got him just a few months before my husband passed. Teddy needs grooming because he has long hair so he goes to a groomer about every 2 months or so just to keep him looking nice, feeling good and getting his nails clipped. Bailey-Rose is a little 7 year Chihuahua mix. She doesn't need the grooming but now and then she goes with Teddy to be bathed and have her nails clipped too :) As for Peaches my kitty - She will just visits the vet once a year for her yearly shots :) All she needs is her food , a little box and a transporting crate for those vet visits - and of course some cuddling :) Shes 5 years old and we adopted her in the fall of 2009. She was on my husbands lap when I left the house. I think she knew......... When I came home after a short time my husband was gone.. I was shocked and thought this is not real, this has not happened while I was gone-I didn't think it was time for him to go, he didn't think it was time but it was Gods time. It was the day that God said "well done my good and faithful servant" Gone Home to paradise I say..

He was a good man Fred - you are a good man too - I see this in you.. You have a lot of love and compassion and i'd sure like to see you with a little pet Kitty to come home to.. They bring me joy Fred and they bring me sunshine on my gloomy days :)

God bless you Fred and I hope you are having a little better day and even better days ahead but for now - we just take one day at a time and one step at a time :) Blessings to you :)

At 4:13am on May 12, 2010, Fred Dunn said…: Thanks Sage...
For your kind words in the face of your own adversity as y'all were together even longer and I know that as you are soulmates on this earth you become one, and when a half of you is just suddenly physically gone it is very hard to deal with. My best word for it was the morning of Roses passing when my sister and brother in law were here...I told them that this was "surreal" and I can't comprehend it.
I know that one day we will be together and I have a little chant that I say every day to get me by "We are all in God's hands and a part of his plans." but sometimes I want to be with her in heaven now, and that is when I pull back and don't even answer the phone. I know though that if I caused my own passing that even though God is all forgiving that I may not make it back to Rose.
At the same time though it odesn't mean that I have to try and extend my life here on earth but for the chant which I truly believe in. This year I will hopefully give at least 5% of my income to charities. My 25th anniversary with the Medical School was May 1st and without them I know I would not be here so I donated $1000 to the School. I wanted to donate $2500 ($100/yr) but I also give quite a bit to the Multiple Sclerosis Society, Alliance for Lupus Research, Feeding America, and others but primarily I try to give to get a cure. I think that would be the best gift I could give to Rose now.
You know how I feel though, I just miss her so much and my life (even during the worst of her problems) is not complete. I am even tearing up now as I write and I have to get ready to go to work. I don't know about you but my sleep habits have changed dramatically as I wake up at 2:00-3:00am every day sometimes getting only 3-4 hours of sleep and then just catching up on the weekends.

God bless you,
Fred

At 8:50pm on May 11, 2010, Fred Dunn said…: Sage,
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words but I can't help but think that it was partly my fault as even though I was asleep I was her primary caregiver. I miss everything about her, both the good times and the not so good times. As do most couples that get together as young as we did we went through some very sparce times and Christmas time when you are broke is not a joyous time even though it is supposed to be.
I feel bad just going out to her grave only once a month but I realize she is with me. It is just that I want everyone that walks by her grave to know she is still loved.
The first year I used buy a dozen roses 1-3 times a week and go out and replace the old ones. The second year I started buying silk flowers and replacing them every month but I would go out several times during that month.
I still buy her things and put them on the night stand on her side of the bed and on her trapeze that she had to have over the bed to move.
Most of all now I am giving to charities (primarily medical research but also feeding america) and since I work at a medical school I have found a clinical researcher that is close to having drugs for people with autoimmune disorders.
I hear what you are saying but it will be a long time (if ever) that I get over this reclusiveness.

God bless,
Fred

At 7:06am on May 11, 2010, Bernie said…: Good Morning: How extraordinary that you know of Samaritan's Purse. A relative of mine is part of Shelter Rock in Boone, NC. It does outreach work with S. Purse, providing truckloads of clothes & food to the poor of Appalachia. I've gone to NC & have served meals at their home base & am blown away by the generosity of my fellow Americans. I will definitely look into the children's ministry.
Your family's needs come first & I can't think of a better place to do God's work than with your mom.
One baby step forward, one giant step backwards...grieving is brutal. No one understands unless she has been on this journey. My hand reaches out to you and I'll be with you on yours. Together we will bumble along, knowing we'll be with our sweeties someday in a place where our tears will be wiped away.
My prayers & thoughts are with you today.