I can relate to your life experience and the feelings you describe...it makes me want to reach out and put a wave of calm and peace over the pain you are feeling.
My Dad also threatened for years - no one thought it would become reality yet it did.
You also spoke of not wanting to wake up to the nightmare day after day and I know after my own son's death each and every morning I would go through that same feeling, tears and heartache and then go to work. Cry on the way home in the car. I designated my vehicle as my 'crying place' for some reason. I guess the privacy.
You do need to feel that pain though, the loss is real, the shock that it could actually happen and you didn't think it would be acted on.... for the person that acts on leaving the only life we have, I think many of these people feel they cannot take one more day, maybe cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel, feel extremely hopeless - they feel that is the only way to stop their own pain. They have lost all hope.
I know those who've left us in this way never take into consideration who is being left behind and what a devastating effect their final act will leave behind. I can't lie, It does take years to get to a better place...it really helps if you have support. You need support.
I had a couple of friends at work who would say it will get better...and it will if you help yourself after some time has passed, at times you really need to block out what happened. It does'nt come easy.
Especially on 'those' dates. It took me forever to be able do this and many years later although it is easier to do there are still the times it hurts me at the deepest levels. So I cry, I think reality - I know I have a Dev. Disabled son to live and try for, my daughter and my grandchildren...most of all for my own well being. If I let these things destroy me then I can never be there for anyone - the people still living. At some point when you feel able, do things for yourself and treat yourself special...whatever helps you connect with your 'self' and whatever helps you escape and feel peaceful. Depending on where you live it can be the beach, collecting shells, sitting and watching the waves roll in and out...movies a good temporary escape...painting, making crafts...reading, getting lost in other stories. Education...there is always more to learn.
In our case the escape also includes our days at Disneyland..a wonderful escape and good feelings. These ideas are a few I have used with my son and they truly have helped. We also have 3 little companion birds that I know have saved my sanity. For you it may be different but after your worst of the worst pain, these are some things that can help. As always if you can find a good Counselor, that can be a Godsend...I realize it is unaffordable at times but if you are able a counselor can help give you some tools to deal with the severe pain you are feeling.
Good luck to you, God Bless and watch over you (He does watch over us) - good thoughts coming your way
Sad times here, too, and I'm also keeping as busy as I can when I can. It's good to connect with someone else who understands; this kind of loss is not the same as losing a parent or pet or anything else, and unless someone has experienced losing a spouse, they can't really know what it's like. I hope your day is better today.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. My daughter and her boyfriend broke up on Thursday, Dec 3. He told her he was going to take his life. He repeatedly texted her at work. She didn't read them until after work. My daughter found out Friday morning that he took his life that evening. She obviously feels that it is her fault. My heart is so heavy for her and his family. I honestly don't know how she is ever going to get past this.
Gypsymama, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how devastated you are right now. I lost my husband of 27 years very suddenly in September, so I understand the shock and disbelief. All I can say is, allow yourself to grieve when you need to grieve, and stand and go on when you are ready to. I'm saying a prayer for you today, for strength and peace, and to get through the holidays this year, which we are all struggling with. God bless you, gypsymama.