Hi, Sheryll, thanks so much for writing. I'm in Oregon with my 3 kids, staying with my two sisters. It was so good to get out of our house, where his footsteps echo every day. Good to be in a different environment. I've been able to spend some time just being, sitting in a comfy chair under a cozy comforter, watching the fire. My sisters have been so great to just take us in and let us grieve, or distract us with things to do or watch. If the snow clears up enough, I'll get to have lunch with a friend of hers, a woman who lost her husband 4 years ago. I don't know any widows close to my age, so it will be good to talk to someone who has walked this path. Well, we made it through the first Christmas, and we will make it through New Year's. There are tears at times, but as my daughter told me one day when I was crying in a book store, "It comes and goes, but it always goes." I won't always be crying in book stores, even though I'll always miss him. Congratulations to us both for making it through the holidays! God bless you, Sheryll!

I know exactly what you mean, Sheryll. I just want to get through the holidays, and through the first year. I wish I could have my old life back, too, but nothing will ever be the same again. I am so grateful to have family - my 3 kids and I will be spending Christmas and New Years' with my two sisters. I'm looking forward to being away from this house, and surrounded by family. I hope your time with your granddaughter is lovely, Sheryll. Take heart, and God bless you.

One thing that keeps me going is that I promised my husband while he was dying that it was OK for him to go, that I would be alright. I keep reminding myself of that promise I made to him. He had been so worried about me. I know that he see the trials and tribulations that I go through and he also sees that I am doing what needs to be done and while I may not be OK at all times, I will be OK.

I had to learn to do everything it seemed like when my husband died. He was a fireman for 35 years and all of his men told me how they would help with everything and then when I needed them they let me down. I had to learn how to cut grass. I cried two hours the first time because I could not get the mower started. Finally, I won but only because I bought a new one with an electric start. It was an extravagance but it was the only way I could do it. I have learned so many things that I thought I never would have to do but I get them done. They may not be done the way my husband did them but he understands that I have to do them my way. I think it is ultimately a good thing to learn to do things and make all the decisions because then you don't have to rely on any one. I am going to tell you something that you may not understand yet. I don't use this site much anymore because I found that it kept me stuck in my grief. I could not move forward, I stayed right where I was, because all I did was talk about my grief and my loss and how devastated I was. It is not that I miss my husband any less or that I love him any less, because I miss him every day. I talk to him every day. I sleep with a photo album full of pictures of him. I sleep with his battalion chief helmet. I have a cabinet with stuff that was his or about him, that my kids refer to as my shrine. I found a friend up here who I communicate with all the time through our regular e-mail addresses. She also feels the same way I do. It is really good in the beginning but it is hard to move forward by staying here all the time. That is just our opinions. So, if you contact me and you don't hear from me sometimes you will know why.

The biggest and hardest thing you will have to do is to allow yourself to feel the emotions, the pain, the guilt, the loneliness, the anger, whatever it is. Otherwise, it will come back one day and smack you in your face, so to speak. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends. That is the best way to handle it.

Yes kids and grandkids are great but they can never take the place of your beloved husband. One of my dearest friends, who I met up here, and I have started a tradition of releasing a balloon on all holidays to celebrate with our husbands. We both find it very comforting. I am worried already about Christmas. I have generalized anxiety disorder to start with so I am very good at worrying. All I can tell you is to hang in there, take it day by day, minute by minute. It does get better. I used to cry everyday but I don't now. I was so dreadfully sad all the time and then one day I was able to smile again. I
don't miss him any less but it does get easier.