More from Janet, the site had a technical issue...

After about 9 months living back at home with his father and now his moved in girlfriend, he could not deal with everything (according to a brief conversation with his oldest) and dropped out of school his 3rd year of college here, quit his job and moved to a city 2 hours away to live with his brother :) and get a fresh start.  I thought his would be the answer for him.  He moved into his brother's newly purchased house, with the idea he would live there, enroll in his final year of college and work and take care of the house when his brother, a Navy Pilot, left on his first deployment.  Well about one year later on March 3, 2013 he dressed to leave for work at the local grocery store on a Sunday morning, had some words with his brother about his procrastination in completing his Fire Fighters program (he had gone through, passed all physical training and only had the physical left the following day.)  At 3 pm on Sunday he shot himself.  These words still seem so surreal to me as I type them.  Stephen, neither you or I could have stopped them.  I volunteer in the mental health field so know more than most about this situation.  You are so right that they did not want to die BUT to end the PAIN and could see no way out.  I have felt that way myself since my son's death and am struggling through these last few weeks.  I would highly recommend two books to you that will enlighten you, explain the various stages of grief and you are so early and raw at this stage.  Please consider reading for some comfort and insight.  I Was Not Ready to Say Goodbye ~ Surviving, Coping & Healing after the sudden death of a loved one by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD. and second, The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Frank Cherry.  So in all of this, I don't think what you did or didn't do would have made a difference to your brother once he could no longer see hope.  I worry my son will have the same issues ~ compounded by the fact shortly thereafter he deployed 8,000 miles away in the Middle East due back maybe in April 2014.  Please feel free to be in touch.  Be kind to yourself.  Janet

Hello Stephen,  I read all your wall posts and can hear and feel your pain.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother.  I have identical twin sisters only 14 months younger than I and know first hand the special close bond they share.  I lost my son 10 months ago on Friday to suicide.  Something you said struck me so I wanted to share in that perhaps it might help.  There were 4 1/2 years between my sons but they couldn't have been closer.  Garrett was diagnosed with Depression in his Junior year of high school but his father and military family background could not allow for that imperfection.  He managed, graduated high school in 2009, began college and worked part time.  He was an Eagle Scout like his older brother.  His father and I were going through a bitter divorce which played out 2 1/2 years in the court system.  I became estranged from my sons due to my husband's influence.