February 2010 Blog Posts (99)

Memories at every turn

Things are hitting me when I least expect it. Tonight I was watching the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, and one of the songs they played was Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". That song is in the soundtrack for "Watchmen" which was a graphic novel that Dan really liked and he liked the movie, as well. So when they started playing the song I thought I was going to lose it.

Then later in the evening I was watching something else (since I spent the day in bed with the laptop and the television)… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 13, 2010 at 12:02am — No Comments

In which Chris turns into a complete wuss

We had a huge snowstorm here yesterday and our power went out around midnight. I was still awake because my sleep schedules are totally messed up, and when the power went out, I freaked. My first thought was "Dan's not here, what am I supposed to do??" even though I know darn well what to do. But my mind went to complete mush. I ended up calling my mom and asking her what I was supposed to do, did it, then spent the next hour and a half beating myself to a mental bloody pulp because I was such… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 12, 2010 at 10:00pm — No Comments

Day 14 - Two Weeks

It's now two weeks since you've been gone. Two weeks ago, right now, I was anxiously awaiting the results of the bronchoscopy they were doing on you, hoping to find something in your lungs that was preventing air movement. They found mucous plugs and got them out, but even in that last ditch effort, nothing seemed to work. I was praying for a miracle that didn't happen.

Now, I alternate between numbness and pain. The pain when it comes takes my breath away. I miss you so much and I… Continue

Added by Debbie on February 12, 2010 at 3:40pm — No Comments

New Member

I found this site in my search for help, and after reading these stories, at least now I know I am not going crazy-at least not yet. I lost my son almost 3 mos ago just after he turned thirty. It was so unexpected I am still in shock. I have a very supportive family but I am usually the one who pulls everyone together in a crisis. Now, I am having trouble holding anything together. Part of me died with him and the other part is just existing. I am so angry and when I am not I am just sad. I am… Continue

Added by Mary Powell on February 12, 2010 at 1:00pm — 2 Comments

Horoscopes in retrospect

My horoscope for today is a day behind.

"Your horoscope for February 11, 2010: Sometimes the only way to beat the blues is to indulge yourself, Chris. Rather than trying to be strong and brave and keep up your good cheer, why not give in to your melancholy, just for a little while? You could spend the day in bed, the blankets pulled up tight to your chin, or opt to soak in the bathtub. You might find that one day of wallowing is all that you really need. Before you know it, you'll be… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 11, 2010 at 6:47pm — No Comments

Reply to Is this it?

9 weeks for me. I don't want it to get better, feel better. I've lost my husband. I feel like I want to be like this forever. When I do 'normal' things like going to the supermarket, my niece's b'day party, I put on a fake face. It's me but it's not me.

Added by Leanne on February 11, 2010 at 6:12am — No Comments

11/02/10

9 weeks
Know it was all my fault.
I think I was too depressed myself to be able to help him

Added by Leanne on February 11, 2010 at 5:56am — No Comments

MOMMA

Where to begin? I lost my mom on February 1, 2010 unexpectidly! She was my rock. My best friend. I'm so confused and angry. I just don't understand. I miss her so very much. I feel as if I can't move on with my life. I'm worried about my dad and sister and niece. I pray every day that they are able to stay strong and cope with things. I pray that I can stand strong. I am stuck in a deep rutt and can't seem to get out. I just hope that with my loving husbands support and the support of my family… Continue

Added by DUSTY on February 11, 2010 at 3:42am — No Comments

Wallowing

Tonight I'm wallowing. I acknowledge it, does that make it okay? If it's a conscious choice is it a bad thing? I feel like I've disappointed people tonight, even though I know intellectually that I didn't. But that doesn't stop me from beating up on myself for it for a while.

This is the sort of thing that I would have talked to Dan about and he would have helped keep me from chasing it around in my head and driving myself nuts with it. I guess I'll have to figure out how to shake it… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 10, 2010 at 11:00pm — No Comments

Memories

I put some pictures of my Chris on my desk some of my very favorites and bought a candle and put and lit it last light. I realized that the candle put the word memory on the wall from the frame it is in. How that upset me to realize my beautiful son that I loved and cared for so long is just to memory to so many people. To me Chris lives. Anyone that met my son and knew his story took a part of him. He suffered from Leukemia and had every side effect to every drug they gave him. He never… Continue

Added by Kim on February 10, 2010 at 11:01am — No Comments

Help!! How do you go on with life after losing a loved one??

I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married… Continue

Added by Janie on February 9, 2010 at 11:45pm — No Comments

My life without Bill

I lost my husband, Bill, eleven days ago. He had surgery to remove lung cancer, became septic and passed away from septic shock. Nothing the team of doctors did seemed to help him. They tried, no fault there, but he just kept getting worse and then one day he was gone. My days and nights were spent at the hospital feeling helpless and doing nothing but trying to will him to live. That didn't work either. Now, I'm left trying to figure out how to go on without him.

Added by Debbie on February 9, 2010 at 1:57pm — No Comments

How to honor a friend

It’s been almost five years since my friend Betsy died. She left a big void in my life as we had one of those rare friendships where we were truly like family.

Betsy had a form of cancer that did not respond to post surgical treatment so I learned not to take our friendship for granted. For several years, I worried about Betsy and always asked how she was doing. Finally, she told me she had stopped worrying about the cancer; she considered it a period where she was sick and now she…

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Added by Robbie Miller Kaplan on February 9, 2010 at 12:30pm — No Comments

Three weeks ago

Three weeks ago I was happily married. Three weeks ago I wasn't a widow. Three weeks ago we had gone out to lunch and spent time talking. Three weeks ago we did laundry. Three weeks ago I went in to him where he was sitting at the computer and did a saucy wiggle before I headed out to dance class. Three weeks ago he told me he adored me and he loved me. Three weeks ago I came home and sat on my computer next to him and surfed while he played a video game. Three weeks ago he kissed me before… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 8, 2010 at 11:09pm — 4 Comments

Robby....

Robby wasn't just my brother, he was my best friend. We watched Family Guy together all the time and he loved honey mustard a little too much...I dubbed him the Honey Mustard Monster. He would put it on anything and everything, pizza, hamburgers and even cereal... He was a smart and funny guy, who was self motivated. He loved soccer, and Cross country running...anything that he could do to be around people. Its crazy when you can tell your little brother anything and know its not going… Continue

Added by Jessica on February 8, 2010 at 5:30pm — 1 Comment

I thought it was suppose to get easier

I thought as time went by it was suppose to get easier. Why is that it seems so much harder? I was cleaning around the house and came across the burp cloth my mom made for her future grandchild. (I'm not pregnant she just wanted the kids to have something from her). I about had a panic attack. It hit me like a boulder that I will never again see my mom. I will never hear her voice. I will never get a hug or crazy text from her. I had to take triple my dose of lorazapam just to be ok. I slept… Continue

Added by Michelle on February 8, 2010 at 4:47pm — 1 Comment

Field Day at Grade School

I was invited to do a lecture on the basics of dental care today in one of the local schools in town. Arriving in my smartest suit (looking like I’m the best Orange County dentist in town), I was surprised to find out that my audience would be children. Apparently, my secretary forgot to mention that I will be talking this morning to a bunch of rowdy 7 and 8 years old.

That means I had to do a total revamp of my speech. But that’s easy. It… Continue

Added by Daniele Johnson on February 8, 2010 at 1:16pm — No Comments

Is There Life After Death?

Is there life after death?

As one who has experienced the searing loss of a loved one, I have many times pondered about what happens when one dies. Questions I’ve asked include: does a soul go to “heaven” or somewhere else; can we still communicate with a person who has died, even though his/her physical body is gone; and are we being looked after by the souls (or angels) of our lost friend or family member? Although there are no definitive answers, evidence from different fields of… Continue

Added by Ellen Gerst on February 8, 2010 at 6:00am — 3 Comments

It was over 2 years ago.

My best friend was my boyfriend. He was a fireman and I miss him so much. Everyday is still hard without him. Do you all ever get together?

Added by Tracy on February 8, 2010 at 2:23am — No Comments

I Survived The Weekend

Yay me. If you don't count the fact that I didn't get out of bed until nearly noon so I wouldn't have to face the day, that is. I don't even remember what I did this morning. I took the dogs to the park around 1pm because they were exploding with energy and it was a way to get out of the house. The park was weird because I kept hearing myself say "we" when someone asked me about the dogs, and of course I was including Dan in talking about how we adopted them and how we named them and every time… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 7, 2010 at 10:47pm — No Comments