Chris B's Blog

Leaving the Site

I think this site has reached the point where it's doing more harm than good for me. Up until today it has been helpful in various ways to read the posts of others, and see how others are coping. Maybe occasionally contribute something helpful.

Today I realized that it's possible for me to actually get angry when reading and replying to posts here, which means that it's time to leave. With all the cr*p that's going on in my life, in dealing with Dan's loss, I don't need to read posts… Continue

Added by Chris B on May 15, 2010 at 3:29pm — 5 Comments

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

Had the worst day in weeks today. Just got to the point where I completely didn't care about anything. Work, my job, keeping my job, the house, the chores, anything. I considered just walking out on my job and not caring about the consequences. I fought through it, eventually, and the afternoon was a little better. Hearing the thunder (instead of just the boring, grey, drizzly rain we've had) actually helped... I hope we have more thunderstorms soon. Nothing destructive, but something… Continue

Added by Chris B on March 8, 2010 at 11:30pm — No Comments

And another bad day

Tired of this rollercoaster now. My brother was in town for a couple of days, and while he was here I was fine. I could think about Dan without it hurting so much, and put up the front that I was "okay" well enough that I felt okay for a little bit. Until I had to drop my brother off at the airport - the airport where Dan worked. Gods, what am I going to do if every time I go to the airport I lose it?

I wen tto my group after I dropped my brother off, but there was someone using our… Continue

Added by Chris B on March 7, 2010 at 8:28pm — No Comments

A good day

Today was actually a pretty good day. I don't know if it was a sense of calm from having one more question answered, or if it was the face that it was the third day in a row of sunshine, but whatever it was, I was in a good mood practically all day, was focused and productive, and was in good spirits. I even went to dance class tonight (which I haven't done since I lost Dan), and while I'm stiff and sore, I'm still relatively content. I only lost it for a second at class, then was able to flow… Continue

Added by Chris B on March 4, 2010 at 11:56pm — No Comments

ME Report

I got the ME report today. It lists the Cause of Death as "Lobar Pneumonia". The report said "Bilateral lower lobe pneumonia", which is bizarre because he wasn't even coughing on Monday, yet he died Tuesday morning. Not that I'm disputing the findings - based on what the autopsy report said, I can accept that as the cause. It doesn't say what caused the pneumonia, but based on how fast it happened and the reading I've done online, I'm guessing it was bacterial. I'm going to my doctor's office… Continue

Added by Chris B on March 3, 2010 at 7:33pm — No Comments

Six weeks

Today is six weeks since Dan died. Today sucked. I couldn't sleep last night, and ended up not going in to work today. I miss him so much. I've tried to be strong and tried to go on and tried to keep going and I evidently have a lot of people fooled into thinking I'm doing well and that I'm so strong. Bullhockey. I'm hanging on by my fingernails - or at least I would be if I hadn't bitten all my fingernails off. I don't know if it's that it's Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays, or if it's rebound from… Continue

Added by Chris B on March 2, 2010 at 8:30pm — No Comments

Endorphins? Yeah right.

Last Saturday I went to a local Lifetime Fitness and got a seven-day pass to see if maybe working out at the gym would help me get off the couch and hopefully stay out of depression. When I went on Saturday night and went on the treadmill for 20 minutes I felt pretty good, except I broke down and started crying in the locker room afterwards. I was doing something new, what would Dan say? I know he would have encouraged me, then made some comment about how he "needs to do something about that,… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 24, 2010 at 11:19pm — No Comments

Defense mechanisms

I'm sitting here watching some mindless TV and somehow it feels "normal", and then I got wondering if I'm intentionally shutting away what it felt like to have him here? Because if I don't think about what it was like to have him, then it doesn't hurt as much to realize I don't have that anymore? Like the last 17 years happened to someone else, or were in a nobel or something. That I'm not that person. Which I know is selling our relationship short - what we had was wonderful and special and… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 22, 2010 at 9:26pm — No Comments

A new trigger

I learned something about myself today. I have an overactive, paranoid imagination that I'm going to have to keep a tight rein on for a while. A friend of mine on FaceBook posted in her status "seriously not feeling well.. something is just not right.. hate to admit it, but i need to see a doctor.. really freaked out.." and I immediately thought that she was in serious trouble and needed a doctor RIGHT NOW, and tried texting and calling and was imagining her sitting at her computer having a… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 20, 2010 at 1:39am — No Comments

Loyalty

This afternoon I stopped by the furniture store on the way home from work. Last night I was thinking about getting a new dresser for the bedroom, and moving our old dresser into the back bedroom to use for sheets and towels. Dan and I had talked about doing something similar for several months, but never got around to it. When I was looking at dressers, the first thing that would go through my head was "Would Dan like it?" and then I had an overwhelming feeling of disloyalty. I posted about it… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 18, 2010 at 9:11pm — No Comments

Like there's another option?

Over the past few weeks I've had so many people tell me that I'm strong, that I'm doing well, that they admire how I'm handling things, that they're proud of me. I didn't realize there was another option. If I don't at least pretend to be strong in front of others then it means I'd spend all my time in misery, instead of just the time I spend by myself. And the only solution I see to that is blowing my brains out, which isn't much of a choice.

I'm rollercoastering today, and I… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 17, 2010 at 9:26pm — No Comments

Today was horrible

I only say "was horrible" because I don't know if "s*cked" will get through the filter.

It's four weeks ago today that Dan died. I spent this morning again watching the clock and reliving the last day with him, and fell into depression around 9:30 after he was "gone" and all I had to remember was making phone calls and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life.

I managed to shake that off for a little while - I don't know if it's avoidance or… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 16, 2010 at 8:42pm — No Comments

A new perspective?

"John Bowlby, a noted psychiatrist, outlined the ebb and flow of processes such as shock and numbness, yearning and searching, disorganization and despair, and reorganization." - Wikipedia.org

I'm going to need to learn more about this model of grief, because the more reading I'm doing, the more I'm seeing consensus that the Kübler-Ross model (which was based on people facing death rather than on those who survived the death of a loved one) isn't always the best roadmap for dealing… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 16, 2010 at 12:01am — No Comments

Support and sleep

I took a full pill last night and slept like a rock, for which I'm grateful. I woke up in a much better mood and got a little bit of cleaning done. Today was the first meeting of the Widowed Persons Support Group, and even though today was basically a "Hi, my name is..." session, I'm hopeful that it will be helpful. I bawled in the car afterwards before I started driving - my first serious cry of the day. Considering that it's Valentine's Day, I think that's pretty good.

One of my… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 14, 2010 at 9:24pm — No Comments

Surviving today

This was not a good day. I slept miserably because I thought "I'll try to sleep without a pill" and as a result I was up every hour or so. This morning was the first time that I think I seriously considered suicide, to the point of looking stuff up online and thinking about what I had around the house, whether we had any bullets for the revolver, the realization that was too messy, but wait - there's a whole bottle of his hydrocodone in the medicine cabinet and wouldn't that be appropriate?… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 13, 2010 at 7:20pm — No Comments

Memories at every turn

Things are hitting me when I least expect it. Tonight I was watching the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, and one of the songs they played was Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". That song is in the soundtrack for "Watchmen" which was a graphic novel that Dan really liked and he liked the movie, as well. So when they started playing the song I thought I was going to lose it.

Then later in the evening I was watching something else (since I spent the day in bed with the laptop and the television)… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 13, 2010 at 12:02am — No Comments

In which Chris turns into a complete wuss

We had a huge snowstorm here yesterday and our power went out around midnight. I was still awake because my sleep schedules are totally messed up, and when the power went out, I freaked. My first thought was "Dan's not here, what am I supposed to do??" even though I know darn well what to do. But my mind went to complete mush. I ended up calling my mom and asking her what I was supposed to do, did it, then spent the next hour and a half beating myself to a mental bloody pulp because I was such… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 12, 2010 at 10:00pm — No Comments

Horoscopes in retrospect

My horoscope for today is a day behind.

"Your horoscope for February 11, 2010: Sometimes the only way to beat the blues is to indulge yourself, Chris. Rather than trying to be strong and brave and keep up your good cheer, why not give in to your melancholy, just for a little while? You could spend the day in bed, the blankets pulled up tight to your chin, or opt to soak in the bathtub. You might find that one day of wallowing is all that you really need. Before you know it, you'll be… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 11, 2010 at 6:47pm — No Comments

Wallowing

Tonight I'm wallowing. I acknowledge it, does that make it okay? If it's a conscious choice is it a bad thing? I feel like I've disappointed people tonight, even though I know intellectually that I didn't. But that doesn't stop me from beating up on myself for it for a while.

This is the sort of thing that I would have talked to Dan about and he would have helped keep me from chasing it around in my head and driving myself nuts with it. I guess I'll have to figure out how to shake it… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 10, 2010 at 11:00pm — No Comments

Three weeks ago

Three weeks ago I was happily married. Three weeks ago I wasn't a widow. Three weeks ago we had gone out to lunch and spent time talking. Three weeks ago we did laundry. Three weeks ago I went in to him where he was sitting at the computer and did a saucy wiggle before I headed out to dance class. Three weeks ago he told me he adored me and he loved me. Three weeks ago I came home and sat on my computer next to him and surfed while he played a video game. Three weeks ago he kissed me before… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 8, 2010 at 11:09pm — 4 Comments

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