Chris B's Blog (25)

I Survived The Weekend

Yay me. If you don't count the fact that I didn't get out of bed until nearly noon so I wouldn't have to face the day, that is. I don't even remember what I did this morning. I took the dogs to the park around 1pm because they were exploding with energy and it was a way to get out of the house. The park was weird because I kept hearing myself say "we" when someone asked me about the dogs, and of course I was including Dan in talking about how we adopted them and how we named them and every time… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 7, 2010 at 10:47pm — No Comments

Dreams

I dreamed about him again last night. That's two nights in a row that I'm aware of and remember. Last night I think it was more about him being him instead of him representing the missing part of me. I don't remember much of the dream, I just remember being on the bed, watching him get dressed, like I did a thousand times when he was alive. And I knew that he was dead, because I had that sense of heartlonging loss as I watched him, knowing that even though it was something we had done thousands… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 6, 2010 at 9:54am — 1 Comment

Close My Eyes Forever

If I close my eyes forever,

Would it all remain unchanged?

If I close my eyes forever,

Would it all remain the same?



I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it shock? Is it denial? I don't know. It's almost like "pretending the last 17 years didn't happen" is better than dealing with the pain of remembering that he's gone. It's like the feeling I get when I go back to work after a two-week vacation. Work is so normal and familiar that it's like the vacation never… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 5, 2010 at 12:14am — No Comments

Getting help

I lost it at work today. For some reason I heard his voice telling me to stop chewing my lip (a bad habit he'd been trying to break me of for some time) and I completely lost it. Went into the bathroom at work and cried, trying not to be too loud because there was someone else in the bathroom. Freaking miserable.



Later that day I was going through my wallet for something and I found the card from the anniversary flowers he sent me last September, telling me that it's only been three… Continue

Added by Chris B on February 3, 2010 at 11:37pm — No Comments

Maybe this will help

I'm hoping that journaling will help, but I don't want to do it on my own computer. I don't know how to start this so I'll just start with "it's Sunday night and it's just hitting me that I'm never going to see him again."



My husband died on Jan 19, completely unexpectedly. He was fine on Monday - we had gone out and done some shopping, gotten some lunch, spent time together. Monday night I went to my dance class and he practiced his guitar. I kissed him goodnight and he went to bed… Continue

Added by Chris B on January 31, 2010 at 11:00pm — No Comments

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